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For myself and my own household, that language was never tolerated from my children toward anyone, no less a parent. I dont know what happened outside my home....but in my home....it was not allowed. No matter the anger and reasoning behind it .....however justified...foul language from a 14 year old to a parent is unacceptable to me. As always take what you like and leave the rest. I am so sorry for the hurt and anger your daughter feels.
Hi Ms.M I hear you and so understand your reaction. I can see that daughter has strong feelings on the situation and would feel that I needed to address her choice of words so that going forward she will understand that you can draw boundaries on unacceptable people without the use of 4 letter words . These words are triggers for people and they can get her in deep trouble in school, on the job, and with you. You can offer suggestion on how to express yourself in an assertive manner while still being courteous and respectful.
When I was dating my husband (many years ago) we were in a cab and he was ranting about his boss- using every 4 letter wordS he knew. The cab driver turned around and said __" You are an intelligent young man and using these words are a bad reflection on your character-"- You should learn to express yourself without them." Dead silence reigned in the cab and then hubby said:"You are right I will." First time I had heard him listen to any suggestion . Good Luck
This reminds me of a time that my son, about the same age as your daughter, asked me to help him find some words that he could use to insult kids at school who were being mean to him ... but without them knowing they were being insulted, because he knew that bad words would get him in trouble. So I bought him a book of "Shakespearean insults." I think I also suggested some multi-syllabic words like "superfluous."
Maybe that wasn't my finest hour, but I do understand that feeling of understanding their anger but not agreeing with the way they are expressing it.
It sounds like she might be projecting her anger onto your car. Enjoy the car wash! At least it's a safer way to release anger.
As far as the rest of the post, Alanon's topic "boundaries," comes to mind. To me beyond any opinion about using four letter words, this goes more to how and why the four letter words are being chosen and used. The context of the conversation is important here. If someone won the lottery and never had to work another day in their life, with amazement a friend might say F! But in my humble opinion, when a conversation is volatile in nature and the F word become weaponized to inflict pain on another person, the Alanon tool "say what you mean, mean what you say but don't say it mean," might be handy.
For me, tone of voice can be just as cutting in heated exchanges between two people. An angry or sarcastic tone of voice can intensify things just as easily as unkind words. I can tell you that before working the steps, I felt self righteous and didn't choose my tone of voice with discernment when believing I was wronged by someone else. All bets were off, black and white thinking took over and I was not able to separate out the point of contention from the person.
Today, I know to always be mindful of my motive and the boundaries I've set for my own personal behavior. How do I want to carry myself in this world? How do I want to present myself to other people? How do I envision my higher power would want me to do that? These are things I have to keep in front of me on a daily basis. I guess I think they're good questions for anyone.
The Merry go round of Denial pamphlet also comes to mind from reading your post. In that pamphlet it talks about alcoholism as a family disease and how the roles we play in the family become skewed and or out of balance. Certain situations can be triggers for me personally and I can find myself back in the old role if I'm not mindful about who I am today with recovery. I have to be careful not to project my past experience onto another person. My relationship with each of my family members is unique to myself and that person. I need to honor and respect that concerning other family members as well. With that said, I do think there is a responsibility on my part to guide kids in the family through use of the Alanon principles because this dis-ease of behaviors repeats from generation to generation. I hope something here is helpful. This is simply my experience. Please take what you like if anything and leave the rest. Thanks for sharing. (((hugs)))) TT
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