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My daughter did not come home this weekend .. I was sad .. lol .. seriously .. I miss that girl.
I did get to see her she decided she had a lot of work to do and how she really was going to have to buckle down the realities of her schedule has fully hit her. I had a feeling that something else was going on and I mentioned in passing to my bf that I figured she broke up with her boyfriend .. who I LOVE .. this one I actually liked .. I don't know if that's a good thing or not .. LOL. I didn't see him as the ONE however I could have seen him as the college boyfriend.
There is nothing like seeing your mom and getting in the car and the first words out of my mouth are what's wrong .. cause DUH .. you can't fool mom. So the verbal vomit went and I was right, .. boy is gone. The good news is there are no boys at this point and she has learned some important lessons about knowing when something isn't right for her.
We had a short lunch together and as we were talking I had to laugh .. see this is my concern for many people .. when a relationship ends it's suppose to feel bad .. there is no magic pill or wand that makes it easy. I said with an over-exaggerated smile and excitement .. gee I feel just great I broke up with someone and they feel like crap .. isn't that wonderful? LOL .. umm no .. it hurts, it's confusing, am I making the right decision .. what if this person was really good for me, will I be alone, I feel lonely now, self doubt .. all of these things are TOTALLY NORMAL. I told her too .. because once again even though the meds are working she's saying her anxiety is up .. LOL ... umm yes .. ya think .. if she responded with a smile I would be hiding all sharp objects from her and she would be restrained when she did come home because now we are talking about sociopathic and psychopathic behavior .. that is NOT NORMAL!!! As much as it is being normalized .. it is not a healthy response.
We live in a world where we are fed poop by the bowl full and told it is candy and at some point we forget we are eating poop. The extremes slay me ... everyone should always feel good ALL of the time is not rational or healthy .. I know from living my life I am not going to feel good ALL of the time and I am not going to feel bad ALL of the time. What I do when I have these extremes in feelings is really my core personality .. that's where I really get to who am I .. who am I during the good times and who am I during the bad times. I didn't share all of that with her however I did share with her about what I felt like when I broke up with her dad (she remembers most of that because I was a horrid hot mess) and even past boyfriends .. it's ok not to be ok in a world the message is you are always suppose to be ok. That's a lie. That is a false story and a false sell. The truth is the sun will rise again .. the rain will stop .. and the earth will turn to the next night .. the world doesn't stop because I feel bad and it doesn't turn because I feel good. I am also a believer that Leave it to Beaver was the down fall of US society and the up rise in dysfunction because people thought if their family wasn't like the family on TV something was wrong with them. I have weird thoughts what can I say .. lol. I love that show by the way .. however .. it sold some stuff to the public that was not healthy. Not all mom's were June Clever and not all dad's were Ward still true today.
In the midst of turmoil though and I know there is some great quote about troubled times are what make boys .. men. I just can't remember who said it and what the exact quote is. I want to say it was FDR or Lincoln .. anyway I digress. Point being these are the things that make me grown and stretch in my understanding of me as a human being. I will never be simple because I'm just not made that way .. lol.
It is truly disturbing to me that she has bought into this stuff about feeling good all of the time. That's just not life .. there truly are miracles every single day and seeing those makes the bad stuff not so bad on an off day and heightens the good stuff on a good day .. it is always there .. choosing to see it is another question .. how I feel daily is not dictated by others and I have a right to both my good and bad feelings as they are not facts .. just moments in time that do pass. This goes with the issue of labeling though so take what you like .. it is truly ok not to be ok .. it is truly ok not to like the A .. it is truly ok not to feel good after a break up .. and understanding that goes a long way because at some point .. it will be ok .. I can have at least a better understanding of the A .. and not feeling good about a break up means I have a conscious which is a good thing by todays standards. I am capable of caring and having feelings .. more than one even .. lol. If someone really can't get outside of that box then seeking additional help is necessary to get back on the right track.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
So great that communication with your dau is so very open and honest. How lucky we are to be members of Alanon and encouraged to honor what we are feeling rather than stuffing our feelings and pushing forward with distraction in order not to feel. I tend to agree with you about the appearance of always being "ok" in today's world despite disappointments, perceived failures, relationship loss etc. Instant dusting yourself off and going on to the next whatever seems to be the go to thing. My bf and I experienced this recently with his dau too. Hers was a live in situation. She told us of the break up at the end of a family event as we were all ready to head to our cars. It was something like.. it's over with him, we divided up the stuff, i moved out but I'm doing great.. working a lot, joined exercise bootcamp "feel great," doing adventure activities, planning vacation etc. She then said, "It's just didn't work out," with a plastered smile on her face. We both just responded without opinion on it. Basically, it was something like.. Oh, OK.. thanks for letting us know. And something on the order of, that sounds like fun when she shared about the activities she was doing since the breakup.
Later i suggested to bf that we take her out to dinner as a belated b'day present. Admittedly, we doted on her a bit by calling out positive qualities we know to be true in her. As she shared with us about work successes, we countered with things that we say as lovable about her as person, dau, sis, friend. Like you, I shared a bit about the ending of my marriage. I had tried to escape my grief with lots of distractions but it caught up with me. I had to feel it to get through it. She then told us she was considering trying Alanon again. She had gone to a meeting with me years ago. Bf and I had to hold back our excitement lol. I calmly told her that recovery had been helpful for me and her dad. Bf told her the same.
I think it can be very difficult today to push away the need to present a picture of perfection. In my humble opinion, social media adds an element of illusion including dating sites etc. Anyone can give the illusion of living the "perfect" life. With the connection of worklife in this manner, there seems less separation for young people between their identity as an employee of their company and who they are in their personal life. Still in the process of gaining life experience and self knowledge, not only does peer pressure cause confusion but now corporate culture as well. How difficult for those affected by the disease of alcoholism particulary those not in recovery to embrace To Thine Own Self Be True. How difficult when worth is measured by liking what others. Please take what you like and leave the rest as this is based in personal opinion.
Your daughter is lucky to have you as a landing place - a place of acceptance. Yeah, funny how moms are so tuned into their kids and know when something is wrong. Nice you got to see her this weekend give her some much deserved mom love. ((((SerenityRUS))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I so agree with what TT has stated Serenity - your daughter is lucky to have you....a calm, productive, recovering minded person brings a touch of sanity to painful life experiences. Not only are you momma, but you can throw in a bit of program to help her see that wherever she is, it's a bit normal and it will pass.
I struggle with my boys as they are males....my AH and my ASons process way differently. I've done my best to explain to my boys that it's OK to feel feelings yet my AH is 'old school' where you do just suck it up and act as if all is well or there is no pain. This applies to life experiences - not illness - at that point, they are all 3 males - having a cold must be equal to having a baby for them!!!
JK - I do believe there is pressure to be 'full' and 'happy' all the time. I am not sure that it is defined as we define it. I see many people who try to be 'happy' by overspending, over-indulging, over-traveling, over-scheduling, etc. I then see others who 'over-do' service work or work work trying to fill themselves up. I can admit I've fallen into some of these traps in the past - and at the time, it felt 'good' for the short-term. What recovery has taught me is instead of running for a solution, if I just process the reality of the here/now, I grieve better and come through it learning. I didn't learn squat before - it was easier to blame a break-up or fight or wreck or ........... on someone or something else. Only in recovery did I learn to take a look at me, my part, my lessons and then - only then - go forward.
People are strange/funny - they don't want to feel 'bad'....while I readily admit it's no fun, it is just a part of life. I consider her 'vomiting her story' a good thing - I swear that being willing to dump, scream, process, cry, etc. has been way more healing for me than how I used to stuff things and run before.
Happy Sunday ladies - hope it's been a good one!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
