Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

MizzB · Senior Member

Forgotten myself

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

((MizzB)) It is a difficult road that we travel. i found that repeating the serenity prayer over and over in my mind, keeping the focus on myself letting go of fear and asking for courage helped tremendously. Try attending the on line meeeting here this AM. You are not alone.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

MizzB, I hear you and I feel for you. Focus on step one -- acceptance -- accept you are feeling scared, anxiety, etc. Surrender to it. And then let go. Take the very next thing in front of you...laundry, a book, cleaning a closet, whatever it is...take that and focus on that task...with a laser precision focus, with so much intensity, so that you perform this task as you never have before. Do that one minute at a time if need be.

That said, so he's AWOL. Why is that bad? He's lying, you've removed yourself from all that. Let it go. Why exactly are you struggling and shaking? What is going on, what he's doing, etc. -- is about him. It has nothing to do with you. What you are feeling -- is about you. You don't feel worthless because of what he's doing. Focus on you. Pick up the phone. Make some calls. Keep sharing. Call your sponsor. And yes, get to that meeting. Spike up your meetings. Spike up your work with your sponsor.

MizzB · Senior Member

Hi Bo,

I'm shaking because when I get anxiety I don't eat. It's been a habit throughout my life. I've had a smoothie now which has helped. I can't cope with Physical food so this is the best solution at the moment. I'm scared when he goes AWOL because he comes back eventually, usually in some state, and my life gets thrown into chaos. He always says he'll stay in a hotel but then doesn't. I"m happier when I know he's not coming back. He says he'll sleep on the sofa and then forget and I can't stand sleeping next to him when hes drunk so I get a bad night sleep on the sofa and I have work in the morning. I know what what he does is now his choice. He will probably end up killing himself through drink. It's the impact on my life. I still don't have the strength to get rid of him yet and move on. I'm getting there. But I'm not there yet.

HI Betty,
I've tried getting to the online meetings. I don't know what I'm doing wrong - whether I"m working out the time diffreence inaccurately or whether I"m going into the wrong place but I can't seem to work it out!

I've only got an hour until I have to leave for the meeting and before that I have lesson plans to do and the oven grills to clean and the dog to walk so now the shaking has stopped I can focus better.

Thank you both xx

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi MizzB Sorry for the confusion

Here is the information

SUNDAY MORNING & EVENING AL-ANON MEETING 10AM & 7PM EST (7AM & 4PM PACIFIC) TOPICS: Crises. How important is it?

Web add is:http://www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

MizzB · Senior Member

Thank you Betty!

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

MizzB-I can relate and I am so sorry for what you are going through. Not eating made me feels worse, so liquids are the way to go-chocolate milk, milk shake, liquid yogurt, whatever you can handle. And when I was falling apart, that gave the power to my A. With Alanon I have taken my power back, but it's taken several years and a lot of work on my part.

I just want to remind you that no matter how badly you feel today, and it sounds awful, you will not stay like this. You have later and tomorrow. Bad is bad but it won't last, so try to keep in mind One Day at a Time, or One Moment at a time-the next moment and/or next day can be different. Lyne

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

MizzB...nothing changes if nothing changes...I get the eating thing now...OK...the scared, AWOL, chaos, no hotel, no sofa, you on the sofa, and so on...nothing changes if nothing changes...it sounds like you are relying on him to make your day, night, sleep, etc., OK. Nothing changes if nothing changes. YOU change. YOU change. YOU change...your day, night, everything, one step at a time. He comes home -- you leave. He starts the chaos -- you leave. What he does is his choice...and surprise...what YOU do is YOUR choice.

Nothing changes if nothing changes. Detach. Boundaries. Go to face to face meetings. Work with your sponsor.

Hang in there...nothing changes if nothing changes.

MizzB · Senior Member

Thank you all. I went to an alanon meeting today and they, as always, were good people. I cried most of the way through but I felt calmer after. It was good to hear from someone who has been in my situation two years ago and who has made changes for the better. I told my mum today that I was probably breaking up wiht him, told her about the verbal aggression - I try to protect my parents from a lot as they are elderly and I don't like them worrying but I am at the end.

While i was in a meeting his mum called to say he'd gone to hers (3 hours on a train). I was panicking about the dog and Then he called to say he's coming back.

But I have gained clarity. He is not reliable. I have to accept that. And my responsibility is the dog. So I have to get her ready to have a dog walker and then find a dog walker. So regardless of his drinking or not drinking I have to find a dog trainer to get her over her fear of strangers. I'm very lucky that my job leaves me with money to do this.

I also finally understand detaching with love. I love him, I don't love his drinking. But I also need to be strong for me. I should love myself but I have to work on that. Me and myself are on friendly terms but no-one wants to say the L word yet!! SO while I love him and I don't think he's a bad person, I have to love me first. I've taken a hit at work with results which has knocked my confidence and the whole drinking thing has also affected my confidence as has feeling a bit old and a bit worn around the edges in the looks department. I need to work on building me up and making sure Mabel is ok. And also (a perennial problem for all teachers) making sure life is not all about work and the the students in front of me, and a boss who would work me into the ground and my own need to feel I'm doing a good job and on top of everything.

So I'm a work in progress. Taking baby steps. Eating my elephant one bite at a time.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

(((MizzB))) - prayers and positive thoughts continue for you and yours!

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

MizzB -- again, nothing changes if nothing changes. It is up to you to change and make change. You know when he comes back, your life turns into complete chaos. You know he doesn't stay in a hotel. And most of all -- you know YOU are happier when you know he is not coming back. That makes a statement. This is impacting your life. You said it. So, if he won't stop, how do you make this not impact your life? Is this the way you want to live? Work with your sponsor. The strength you need is right there inside of you. Right there. Spike up your meetings, pick up the phone, and work with your sponsor. Daily if need be. YOU will get better.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

MizzB just for me I was satisfied that I felt the courage to ask he members in the program for their ideas and belief about many things; one being love as they understood it. That brought me to the understanding I now use daily the definition of which doesn't even use love as a word except in title.

"Love is the complete and total acceptance of every other person for exactly who they are". Love became a character asset and my alcoholic a child of God entirely. Acceptance is so much more easier and nicer to understand and use for me. (((hugs))) smile

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

MizzB, one thing you should be grateful for and very proud of -- is that you have gained clarity and you have awareness. You know he is not reliable, and you know about the lies. Hopefully, the anxiety and panic will no longer overwhelm you. You can love an alcoholic...but you can't love them into sobriety. You can't love them into changing. You can't love them into...anything. He is probably not a bad person...but you have to accept that he is not a bad person who is trying to be good...he is a sick person who does not want to get better...and for as long as that is going on...you have to focus on YOU so that YOU can get better and healthy.

Focus on you. Make up and review your grateful list. Keep the focus on YOU.

MizzB · Senior Member

Thank you. I have made starts. I have found a dog trainer who will do home consultations which will allow for me to get a dog walker which will reassure me a little more.

I have resigned from my book club for the time being. The difficulty is that this was a time for me, where I got to speak to other people who shared my interest - they are a good group. I've had to resign for the dog. I'm preparing to be single - accepting he is unreliable and that I don't want to live like this. It's hard to have given up something I like doing but realistically I can't trust him to be home and competent, I just worry about the dog when I'm out so it feels a bit counterproductive to be taking out one thing from my life that I enjoyed doing but in another way it's gaining control back in my life (I think - I'm not sure). And I'll be able to go in school vacations still. I'm sad about this though.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

MizzB - just do you as necessary....we all progress at our own rate and more is always revealed! Continued thoughts and prayers headed your way!

MizzB · Senior Member

Thank you xx

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene