The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today, my package from daughter darling was due to arrive...Inside this precious box would be my DVD on my sister's life from babyood till days b4 her death, and my "sisters" blanket that I had sent to her that has her scent on it and also 2 very adorable little shirts she had that her oldest daughter "grabbed" just for me, ashes are on order: Crematorium has to insert them into my special necklace but that is coming
Today I am all excited , waiting for the postman..Here comes this very nice looking young African-American postal man and hes got NOTHING but junk!!!! I am like "WTH??? this is IT???? havn't you got anything else for me?????" He looked at me with apologetic expression and said "no mam this is all I have--I'm sorry" and I just said, "thank you" and I tossed the junk mail into the trash..
I KNOW she sent it Wednesday, via priority mail..PO said "for sure: Saturday delivery" anyway, I turned to my program...chanted the S prayer...DID a HUGE step 3...Told Creator "you know where my stuff is--I'm detaching and getting out of the way so you can help me"
I got on Facebook, asking my prayer warriors for a BIG Psalm 91 (yes, we doubters do buy into the Psalms") and some serious prayer..My treasure box is floating around somewhere
Immediately I got "prayer posts" 2 of them...then I hear the dogs bark and the doorbell
I go to it and there is that nice looking postman with MY BOX!!!! I yank open the door, practically grab it out of his hands and i am thanking him over and over and I told him this was my newly deceased sister's memorial and possessions that this box was very precious to me...He smiled at me and said "I felt so sorry for you, I had this 'urging' to go BACK to my truck--check it through and through and low and behold, in the WRONG box, there was your package and I just had to bring it to you" I thanked him and said "may Creator kiss your prayers and bless you, your a good man to do this for me" He smiled and said how happy he was to find my treasure.
I go back to facebook and I tell everyone " WOW!!! me chanting S prayer and doing step 3 and you guys praying for me---guess what!! BOX is in my hands...." and I tell them the story what happened....
I opened the box as though it were carrying fragile glass...gently opening the box...first I see my "sister's blanket that I had sent to her in April...Then I see the "memorial service" cards that were passed out at the church...then I see my DVD disk adn then two adorable little shirts..one a long sleeve T with horses on it and its beautiful..the other, a sweet little pink flowers shirt where its not buttons but snaps to close it up....I can't wear them just yet and the blanket will stay in its special place where I have it because it was HERS...It has her scent on it.....
I watched the DVD and it began with her baby picture and through the years until her last few days of life...I cried all through it, thinking "oh yea, I remember that horse she made me ride bareback on" and I am giggling adn crying...."Oh yea, I remember us having to mow that HUGE back yard" and her school pics, prom, hanging out with her BFF Bonnie and pics of her and me and her other siblings throughout and, of course, when she was married with children in CA and then when the cancer began to take her from us back in 1993..The changes it did to her..Slowly taking pieces of her, here and there and the progression of her disease and its FAILURE to take that grin off her face and her will to have fun and "do life, anyway"...THAT it didn't take...I watched , literally, in pictoral black and white and then in color, her LIFE...and her leaving her life...all there in this one DVD......Yea, I cried all through it...Talked with daughter and we reminisced and she said that I was the ONLY sibling who stood by her to the end...I stood by her because I wanted to...
I cleaned up the yard and tried to play tennis, but was spotty...sometimes brilliant, sometimes i STUNK!!! couldn't keep my concentration and focus on a consistent level, but I needed to get out and move my body, get the blood flowing and just get some sun and exercise...
I also , after that miracle of my box being found and brought back to me, the guy had to walk a distance to his truck to look and then crawl through the truck to search instead of maybe waiting till it was more empty, then he had to walk BACK to my house and knock on my door to give it to me...THAT was a miracle......I am thinking maybe I need to open up and just be WILLING to believe.....Let HP take care of the rest........All I ever wanted in life was to know..to believe with all my heart and soul that Creator IS involved in my every day life and that Creator loves me......I am willing.....I am soooo willing to open my heart to that.................JUST saying
thank you, (((Betty)))) today was a huge walk down memory lane, but ya know??? I am slowly getting better, accepting, realizing that I have to go on and be the best me I can be...I will never "get over" her but I can learn to go on and carry on and be the Mom to her kids and gramma to the grandkids..IF they want me and many are coming out and expressing that they want me.....I can't take her place, but I know I can fill the space...be mom/grandma #2....She wanted it that way..I was the sibling she knew she could trust
I know it seems like I am talking a lot about this but in Al-anon, et al, I , when mentoring others, tell them to "talk as long as you need to, BUT work your program and shoot for progress" and that is what I tell myself....each day, I feel a bit stronger..appetite is coming back...I'm cleaning out the house and garage in the event that I do move, I want to start the energy in motion and I just notice that I appreciate the good more...i don't take stuff for granted AND, big time, notice that if I make a mistake, I wanna make amends right away because NONE of us are guaranteed tomorrow...so I don't want to let a day go by w/out giving love to my loved ones, a smile or kind word to others and to make amends as quickly as I can....Lots of lessons to be taken from this loss.....
Anyway, those of you who stepped up and supported me through this awful year, really, I want to thank you and know that I am here for you as well....I know a lot of folks may not be able to relate to me on some of my posts and that is OK...I just hope that you got a good tid bit of ESH out of them in some sort of way.........Just saying
((Rose)) I too learned from the loss of loved ones to appreciate each day and each person in the day. I agree that no one is guaranteed tomorrow. Take care.
