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He came home drunk. Apparently not messaging me to say he'd be home late is perfectly ok as long as he knows where he is. He became very attacking of me verbally. Everything I do is wrong. I treat the kitchen like S***, I'm messy. He feels like I dominate him. He's unhappy. and the core part of the argument was that everything I do is wrong and everything he does is fine.
I used all my skills to not engage but it didn't work this time. I stopped speaking and the attacks just kept coming. He deflected any concerns I raised. And now he's left.
I am really really trying to not take it personally. I am untidy, I know but I do try to be better. He isn't untidy but he never cleans and never throws anything away.
I feel some of the things he's said, we can't come back from. And now I'm scared of being alone. Scared for the dog. Scared for a future. I don't think I can carry on this relationship as he is clearly as unhappy as I am. I know logically I have done nothing to make him unhappy. I try not to give him s** about drinking. BUt sometimes I do. Only when he's sober. And what I try to believe is a constructive way.
I am in a crisis now. This is the worst its been for a long time. I'm hurting so much right now and so scared. I feel I've wasted so much time and money on this "relationship" that has disintegrated beyond repair. I'm angry at the lot time and energy. I'm angry for my dog. I'm angry that WE got dogs and I do all the care for her. I'm angry that I get criticised for not immediately washing up dog food cans when he doesn't even feed her. I'm trying to separate out what is alcoholism speaking and what is him speaking. My head is a mess and my heart is broken.
-- Edited by hotrod on Friday 8th of September 2017 06:49:18 PM
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
((((MizzB)))) Its how they exercise power and control over their victims; crazy part is that most often it doesn't work unless we allow it to. Find a meeting even If it is here on the board and share and listen. The disease is temporary and the pain optional. Keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
I'm so sorry. Do you have a meeting? Being around sane people who understand can be so supportive and healing.
It sounds as if you are reaching your own personal bottom. I know fear kept me in a bad situation way longer than was good for my psyche. As for why he is doing this, it's because alcohol makes people crazy. And alcoholics are typically crazy even when not drunk. It infects everyone around them. You're right, it is totally not fair. Hope you will take good care of yourself.
thank you. At the moment I'm allowing the disease to have that power because I'm sapped of energy and mental strength after a week at work. I'm hoping things will look better in the morning after a good sleep.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Get to a meeting ASAP. You are so in it right now. Your mind is racing, all over the board, and going to extremes. Stop. Breathe. Focus on YOU. Not him. Focus on the next thing in front of you right now. You have to break the pattern you are in, get off the track you are on. Right now everything going on is based upon him. He's angry, things are bad. He's OK, things are OK. He's happy, you are happy. And so on. There is the problem.
Go to a meeting ASAP. Find a sponsor. Start doing the work and you will get better. Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
THank you Mattie. I will find a meeting tomorrow or Sunday. I thought I'd reached a low point before but these low points keep happening. I''ve been chatting with his mum tonight as well. I've not really protected her from any of it but now she knows more than she did before about how hard it is and how screwed up her son is. I agree that he is narcissistic and selfish when he's not drunk. It's something I've spotted before. When he's drunk the world is only about him. As I was told tonight "If I know where I am and I know I'm ok what does it matter?" when I asked him if he couldn't have messaged me to say he was coming home late.
I know I need out of this. It's the dog that is my big concern. She won't have a sitter and I have late nights at work I have to do coming up. Plus I have a book group which is my time on a work night and I won't be able to go anymore if I don't have someone sitting with her. I'm so angry from the last 3 months when I've supported him financially that he jsut isn't paying back now he has a job (and a better paying one than mine). He's rather buy things for himself than pay me back. I'm angry at all the concerts I've bought tickets to that I might not be able to go to now. I'm angry and tired and scared and heartbroken.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
My son asked me about depression today and that started some dialog about feelings and this to shall pass. Tomorrow really is another day and it all takes time to really get a clear picture.
Nothing is absolute and staying in a relationship to not be alone is so not the way to go it creates misery on both sides. One day at a time. I really hope you can get to a meeting this weekend it will help.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
(((MizzB))) - I'm also sending you positive thoughts and prayers. I can relate to what you share about the anger of wasted time/energy/etc. I will share that beating up 'self' over the choices we made has never resulted in added serenity for me!
My hope is you sleep well tonight and get good rest. For me, all things are magnified when I am hungry, angry, lonely or tired. I have been burning the candles at both ends recently and my sleep patterns have been interrupted. I took a nap today and had some really strange, bad dreams. I knew instantly when I woke up they were dreams yet they shook me up a bit. So much so that I was not good company tonight...
It happens and I've opted to just 'chill' a bit tonight. I'm going to a meeting tomorrow and I am very aware that I am very tired. Take good care of you and just put you first and trust the process and program....I know that when my 'guys' are under the influence, they are not good company either so I forgive me for being me - and just have to accept how powerless I am - over the disease, people, places and things! Hang in there sweetie - one day at a time...
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
