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WEll, my beloved sister passed on July 25th, at 3:37 pm, PST.. 6 weeks ago, tomorrow....its been hard...terrible...even my body gave out and I couldn't eat for 4 days....There were times, I would lose my rational/reasoning thinking and thought the grinding pain would never ease up, but I think this past day or two, I have turned a corner...I'll never stop missing her...Never stop thinking of her but the searing pain is giving away to a sort of sadness, but acceptance..Sadness I won't hear her laugh and giggle at my jokes anymore...No more texts with a BIG red HEART on it....No more "solving the world problems" with her on the phone...No more sharing the horse racing, our passion, the Horses!!! Even her Urn is an ornate box with gold horses drawn on it....Sadness that such a dear part of me is gone "for a while"...But the sadness is not crippling like it was the first 40 or so days..It is bearable now...And I even catch myself smiling when I see pics of her with that "crap eating" grin that she had...
I feel like doing some stuff now...cleaned out some clothes I no longer wear and donated them....tidied up my closets and dresser drawers....
I also had to accept that her youngest daughter, though she doesn't hate me or anything, just "is not that into me" and I am not , by her actions, going to have any kind of bond with her...She was supposed to send the memorial cd's out and did't even BOTHER to text me or call me to see if my address was correct....So....my disk is floating somewhere, I found the house that it may go to and left a note for the people...A nice lady texted me and said if it shows up, she will get it to me (she is only up the street a few houses)
My daughter is re-sending one to me...So I will either end up with one or two....the niece gave me this "lame" apology over facebook PM and I thanked her for her apology and said that tho disappointed, I accept that she has no desire to call me on the phone..She had promised to call..Even when I was so sick, she promised to call....Never did she put a call into me....So I told her I would always care about her as she is my beloved sister's child, but I would , with love, detach and allow her to walk her path, perhaps without me...I also said I was "open and here" but not going to keep reaching out to one who clearly is not reciprocating....Thanks to program, the emotionally unavailable people no longer have a magnetic affect on me...I let them go in peace...If I see a relationship is "one way", I walk away...
I am saddened by this younger girl's disinterest in me , promising to call me but not doing so, but I am hopeful that her older sister will "come around" and want a relationship with me..Needless to say, I am not even remotely pushing myself onto anyone....I told them all I am "here if you want to talk, but gonna respect your boundaries and your space"
Her grandaughter seems to want to be close to me...So I am looking at what I have and letting go of what I don't have...
I notice that my concentration at work has way improved..Appetite is improving...Interest in "doing life" has improved....Her older girl is going to send me a necklace with my sister's ashes in it..I will be the only sibling who gets one because I was there for her when she was dying...I loved her...Sent her little things to make her smile...Called and texted her....Uploaded fun stuff for her on her Facebook....I was there for her because I WANTED to be there for her....Maybe that is why I am recovering and not drinking and drugging myself into oblivion like the brothers are because I loved her in LIFE and I can be happy with myself that I was THERE...
In my memories as I lay in bed at night, I seem to remember her always, even up to her death, she was always "taking care of me" in some way...when she was nearing the end, she "insisted" that I "friend" this one lady on her facebook so that I would not be left alone when she left....Not long b4 her death, she called me and made me promise I would NOT rescue this lady's big giant parrot as I would not be happy with a creature so big, as "big sis" did research...It was funny...She is going on and on and on at me and when she finally stopped to catch her breath, I said "OKAAAAAY MOM!!! I won't get the friggin parrot" and she laughed and was "ok" because she knows I keep my word...then she pushed me again to "friend" her friend...I did...It has been a total blessing...My sister blesses me and loves me even in her passing..."P" and I are becoming very good friends..She is a dear!!! and she loved Janie...Maybe that is why I am improving because I made her happy to the end......I didn't blow her off in her time of leaving this world....
Anyway, hurricane messed up the gasoline supplies here in TX for a few days...I notice that the program kicked in for me even this past Thursday when lines were miles long as the panicked drivers were flooding the stations for their gas because they were SURE we were gonna be without...I saw all this and also saw a car finishing her gas and I , passing by, slipped in and "topped off" my tank...I wasn't worried, had I not been there, on top of it all, I would not have gone, but I was passing by....I knew things would work out...I just kept my "easy does it" and my "keep it simple" this past 6 weeks and , yes..I hurt BAD...Felt like half of me was ripped out of me, but I clung to my program and did my meditations and I "rode this out" knowing that this god-awful pain would ease, it would pass, and slowly it is passing...I see light at the end of the long dark tunnel I was trying to walk through..
Today, I burned a bunch of dvd's of movies and docus i got off the net, then went and played some tennis...went to gym and shot some hoops, then went to the outside pool for a nice swim.....Today was a good day because I CHOSE to make it good..Hope you all had a good and safe Holiday weekend.................JUST saying
I guess I should mention that she, (youngest) was never wanting much of a relationship with me...Like I used to try to be a loving auntie, but it just was not (love) returned....So , I am not surprised at her behavior with me now....I tried my best...thats all I can do....Ya win some, ya lose some...it all works out in the end....
((Rose)) The pain does soften and the beautiful memories will continue to surface to warm your heart at various times to help wth the missing. I hear acceptance in this posting and feel as if you are processing your grief using constructive alanon tools
Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way.
((Rose)) I am glad to hear that the pain is starting to lessen and that you are in a place to chose to have a good day. I love the acceptance in your post. It is just beautiful.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
(((Rose))) i'm so glad to hear that the shock and misery of your grief is lifting a bit... so much acceptance, insight and wisdom in your share... as always, grateful to read your voice. thanks for sharing your process and your healing. big hugs to you.
Hey ((Betty)) ya know?? I am remembering fun stuff and loving and lovely stuff with her...How all through our lives,she was always, in some fashion, taking care of me...She loved her family and I am so so grateful that program, over all these years, helped me SEE through program eyes and see that she truly loved me , even when we had our "separations" because I would get triggered OR just had to stand to a boundary, but I notice that the love was always there and we would find our way back together....
she told me one time, LOL, that she "would never let me go because I am her beloved sister" and she MEANT it...I guess she was CoDa but in a desirable way ...We had a, at times, tumultuous relationship...My coming forward about the abuse in recovery was hard for her to accept..I mean it was her dad...but in the end, as she understood, she became a real supporter of ME.........Program has so helped me to grow up and I am gonna get better......gr8ful HUGSSS to you, my friend.. ...thanks for the thoughts and prayers...
-- Edited by mamalioness on Wednesday 6th of September 2017 12:01:25 AM
((Skorpi)) I was googling "how long does grief normally last" and it said 3-6 months...and here I am at 6 WEEKS, starting to feel better, feeling interested in stuff, started cleaning out the garage today after browsing Goodwill for some treasures, and I was thinking "maybe for other folks" but I do think the program with its focus on detachment and acceptance and keeping the focus on me, et al has HELPED me with this...yea, I am still grieving, but its not the searing, "unable to do more than to just function" kind of grief...Its like I miss her, but I am ready to get on with life and self care and sharing that self care/love with others......thanks for the sweet reply....HUGS
((Junenine)) and I love reading YOUR voice as well....I think program has really helped me, even when I was in the deepest of pain, I always had this "knowing" that if I keep taking care of me, keep things simple, let stuff that can wait, wait, basically keep it simple and sorta "quiet" I always knew I would come out "ok" This is for sure the worst loss for me..Worse then my two beloved Aunts whom I adored...I did have a few days at work where I just could not concentrate, but thankfully, I know my jobs so well, I was able to "tread water" and get it done.....thank you for kind words....HUGS
(((Rose))) thank you for sharing, you sound so healthy and grateful and it looks beautiful on you. I'm glad you're here :)
Hey ((((Carrie))))) I'm glad you are here , too.....being emotionally sober is a one day at a time prospect for me.....If I don't cling to my program principles, I am in deep doo doo.....Its going to be tough when the big horse racing events come up as she and I shared that passion with great vigor!!! Both of us raised and trained horses all our lives--she taught me everything she knew and then when we became racing fans, oh it was unreal how we were so "on the same page" it just won't be the same w/out her but I've made friends with other fans and we shall carry on.......thank you for stopping by and giving me this kind note.......HUGS always
Thank you (((rose))) for sharing your loving memories of your sister and how you're processing your grief. This is a real keeper for me as I come up to the five year anniversary of my mother's death in a few short months. I'm lucky to have good memories too. I really enjoyed your "parrot" story. How great that in utter powerlessness, you both chose to let go and enjoy a moment of humor with one another. I hear so much gratitude in your post for the deep and loving bond you shared with one another. She sounds like a very special person and one who would be proud of how her sister is continuing to care of herself one day at a time. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
((((TT))))) Reading you is like being out in the sun shine breathing fresh air...Always so kind and with lots of insight.....yea, the Parrot story was funny...shared that one on facebook and got lots of laughs....she was funny...and yea, I am really gr8ful for her...From her happy place, she sits in the sun, looking at colorful flowers that we can only imagine and she is smiling because she knows she will welcome me home when it is my time....................HUGS to you ,my new and special friend.....
hey WestMan...thanks for stopping in.....this whole YEAR has been the year from hell....but i keep saying "this too shall pass" and I keep visualizing a light around me and my loved ones........I just choose to get better....I think things are improving re: this loss and grief is because I have the advantage of the program..........thanks for stopping by...................
