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I have not spoken to my husband in almost a month. I flipped out on him angrily a few weeks ago and told him all of the things I really think about him. He was very hurt and angry and very drunk and ran home to Mommy. I did speak to him the next day and I did tell him that I was not sorry for the things I said, but how meanly I said them. I did not expect him to understand, nor did I expect my words to sink in anymore than hurting his feelings. I made my amends for my actions and have let them go. He told me that day that I can't take my words back, that he now knows how his wife really feels about him. I don't want to take the words back, everyone was true. I just needed to apologize for the way I spoke, for me, not him.
I have had no contact with him since. This is the longest I have ever gone without speaking to him. He calls every night and the kids talk to him. I am not keeping them from him. He has not seen them at all, but that is his doing not mine. I have done nothing to stop him from seeing them. Every night he asks them to speak to me. Sometimes they tell him I am not home, or asleep or in the shower, and sometimes one of the little guys just talls him I am here, but don't want to talk to him.
Yesterday my daughter talked to him and when she got off the phone she said Mom he was crying, he wants to know why you won't talk to him. She said she told him she doesn't know. She said he asked her to please ask me to call him.
I spoke with my sponsor and she asked me to think about why I won't speak with him. Am I punishing him? Am I protecting myself? Do I hope to gain anything from it.
I have thought about it. I am very hurt and angry. Hurt at all he has put me through, hurt that he is using me not being able to have any more children as an excuse to drink and badger and belittle me. I'm angry at how tired I am and how much has been dumped on me because of his drinking and his immaturity and his not taking any responsibility for this family. I'm angry with him and angry with myself for letting it get this way.
I'm honestly not trying to punish him. I felt bad when I heard he was crying, but that could be emotional blackmail aimed at our daughter. Otherwise I really don't care how he feels about it. I have no sympathy for what he is or isn't going through. I haven't even been wondering what he is doing. I just don't care. I am protecting myself. I have nothing to say to him. He is still drinking, the kids tell me that (I don't ask). He is still not working. I know he did not show up for liver tests ans when his Dr called I just gave him his Mothers number. I can't worry about his health anymore, he doesn't. I don't want to hear any more lies. I don't feel like making small talk. he tells my 5 year old to tell me he promises he won't drink anymore. I've heard it befo0re, it means nothing, it is just more lies. I don't hope to gain anything by this but some peace for me. I don't want to feel the sick feeling in my stomach anymore. I don't want to hear how hurt or mad he is. I don't care. I'm empty. All my compassion for him is used up. I do still love him, but I don't want to hurt anymore.
Tonight he called and left a message on my cell phone. He was kind of nasty and just said he wanted to know if he should get a lawyer, since I can't be bothered talking to him, and to let him know soon, that he has a right to protect himself.
I don't know what to do. If I call him I have no answer to that. I am not sure at this point what I want. I'm not ready to think of divorce. If I was going to do it, I would tell him. I'm not sneaky or underhanded and I'm not looking to play legal games.
To call him and tell him that I honestly don't know how I feel and that I just want to be left alone, would be a waste of time. he won't get it. He will twist my words to make himself a victim or he will pick a fight. I'm not strong enough to deal with that right now. I'm too confused and too tired.
I don't want to fight and I don't want to make any decisions right now. I know I can't make him understand that. But I think if I continue to not speak to him, he will take this to the courts and I'll be forced into a mess that I am not prepared to dela with at this time.
I know I cannot expect an alcoholic to act rationally and I also know that I cannot deal with an irrational alcoholic right now. That seems to leave me with no choices.
Sorry this is so long, I'm just so confused and venting. I have so many words for everyone else, but for him I have none. I guess I've used them all up.
Jeannie, It does sound rather confusing, but the best advice I ever got was "when you can't decide, do nothing" and it seems that is what you are doing.
If you feel he is owed an explanation of sorts, your own words sound good to me: I don't want to fight and I don't want to make any decisions right now.
That's the truth and you can't offer anymore then that right now. What he does from there is beyond your control.
There is a lot of recovery and recognition in your words :) Hang in there
Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I wonder if maybe a short letter would do the trick - setting out your position but not getting you drawn into anything with him? You wouldn't have to say much - two or three sentences would do it. If you think even that could get to be a mess, then you are probably right in just doing nothing. I found that my A was much better at threatening dire action than at actually doing it, so you many not really have anything to worry aobut.
Jeannie I no longer have anything to say to my A either. I too am sick of my gut hurting. I decided it hurt becuz i have been swallowing all this sh**. I mean it.
I believe it is HORRIBLE of him to put your kids between you. It only hurts the kids.
If I were you, I would write exactly what you said. "I have no answers for you. I honestly have nothing to say right now."Please do not mention anything to do with our relationship, with the kids." Jeannie. Then send it to him.
You have a right to your solitude. If you don't know, you don't know. Plus for petes sake, you are sick!!!!
The kids do not have to lie. They can simply say, mom is sick and cannot talk right now. Or mom does not feel like talking right now. She will call you when she can talk.
So that way he will maybe stop asking for you.
For now, you take care of you. Throw it to hp. It is not your problem right now. He is trying to manipulate you to talk to him, HE cries, he threatens an attorny, he threatens divorce blah blah.
It is all the disease talking. Ignore it and take care of you.
If you can read some Farside stuff or watch Absolutely fabulous on vhs. Do you like comedies? go rent some comedies. I love the Big Lebowski and about anything funny with Goldie Hawn.
When things get to heavy, I try to lighten up. Just simple stuff. Take care of you.
You would have to be one of the most compassionate people who post on this board. If you have had enough that is saying something. He still runs back to Mum every time and instead of her telling him to grow up and work out his marriage she enables him again. If you are not ready to talk then don't. You are putting up a protective shield for your own health. If he does call then maybe you set the boundary that I am trying to detach with love please accept my decision. You and kids first. Luv Leo xx
Jeanie: My outburst at the A have gone from several times daily to once a month or so. He cannot fathom that he is so self centered and so concerned only with his welfare that I get exasperated with him at times. I am supposed to be the rock at all times. I can definitely understand how you are emotionally exhausted.
I can also understand how you are not yet ready to go to the next step or whatever it is to speak to the A about a divorce. Of course if he is using he will not be able to hear that he is just one big ball of need and reaction.
What a difficult place to be. Have you thought about going to counselling just for you. I go now and have for a few months now and find it is a welcome respite from the place of not knowing what to do next to help myself. Do you have a sponsor who can guide you through the step work you may need to do to move to another place. Sometimes of course we are in a place where it is just where we need to be. Emotional exhaustion is emotional exhaustion and many of us get there. I have certainly been there many many times with an A and I do not have children to deal with as well. I am so glad that you can come here and speak your truth and receive support and understanding and know that others do understand that you need time for yourself.
Boy do I understand how you are feeling. All I can do is offer my support. If you have nothing to say, then don't. Just let him know you need some space, time to think on your own.
If you don't feel like talking or have nothing to say it's just fine. It's your right
I've gone months without talking ... in my case sometimes there is no point cause all I will hear in reply is a lie. But usually it is simply cause I have nothing to say especially not nicely.
Last week my AH asked if I hated him, I said ... sure do, especially every time I hear a song on the radio that was on one of my cd's you stole and sold, more when I hear you singing along with it, and even more when I see lying in your face, you are not a complete waste of space and I love you but I hate you too. He spent a day or two muttering "my wife hates me". i ignored it.
You're not alone in this one, I hope you find your voice when the time is right!
