The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading discusses expectations and motives. Many of us have tried to change other people to suit our own desires. We knew what we needed, and when our wanted needs weren't met, we often blamed other people. We were looking outside ourselves for one who would be there but not impose. Our way appeared best and we did all that we could to have it.
In Al-Anon recovery, we learn there is a difference between what we can expect and what we need. No one person can be ALL things to us. We are faced with examining our own attitudes. What do we expect and is it realistic? Do we respect other people's individuality, or only the parts that suit us? Finally, do we appreciate what we do receive?
Today's Reminder -- Trying to change other people is futile, foolish and certainly not loving. Today, instead of assuming that they are the problem, I can look at myself to see what needs changing within.
Today's Quote -- from One Day at a Time in Al-Anon -- "The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves and not to twist them to fit our own image."
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I can relate big time to this reading. I truly arrived at Al-Anon full of blame and anger towards those around me. I expected them to love as I thought it should be and I expected them to act as I thought they should. I ASSumed we all had same values, integrity and attitudes. I was tormented by the expectations I had of others and my own of self as well.
When I arrived at Al-Anon and realized that accepting others and life as it is - imperfect - was not only allowed, it was 'real' I felt a bit of relief. When I was told that my thinking was distorted and my expectations were unrealistic, I felt relief again. Finally when I was told that we are all imperfect and progress, not perfection paved the path to serenity, I found comfort.
As I worked the steps, and began to see my patterns, I did realize that me and my attitudes were the source of much of my discord with life. Allowing others to be who they are has been freeing. Looking for love, peace and joy within has brought me serenity. Finally, letting go of my distorted views on love, marriage and the expectation that others should 'fill me up' gave me confidence and a loving relationship with a power greater than myself.
I now allow others to fall down with love, stand up with love, live their lives without judgement and look after me instead. I'm grateful for all that I have and all that I am today - as well as for all of my MIP family here!
Happy Thursday all --- got little people who slept over - off to start the day with small smiles and giggles - love it!! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Great, great page, thank you IAH for your service and ESH. This page hits upon the biggest perspective changer AlAnon guided me toward. When I came to AlAnon, I thought the alcoholic was my problem...AlAnon helped me realize that I was the problem.
Expectations and efforts to change others was the source of most of my suffering. I am incredibly grateful for the wisdom of the program that helped me look toward making changes in my thinking, perspectives, and behavior. When I Live and Let Live, Let Go and let God, and resist trying to change the things over which I am powerless, my serenity soars.
So grateful for the wisdom of the program
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good Morning IAH I can so identify with wanting others to change because I was" so perfect "and I did not need to change. I did not have the concept of "acceptance' of others or of life on life's terms.
I often viewed others,found them lacking, judged them and wanted them to change so that I would be happy. That dated back to my foo where everyone had to agree to think the same, act the same, believe the same or they were judged harshly and not part of the inner circle.
Enter program, and upon picking up the simple tools of keeping an open mind, examining my motives, stopping judging and blaming others, learning to allow others the right to a different opinion(at meetings) and finally the acceptance of life on life's terms allowed a entire new attitudes to surface. I will be forever grateful to alanon for these gifts.
Glad that you enjoyed the "Little People" and thanks for your service.
When I started Alanon I was so disappointed not to be shown how to change my A. After all, wasn't that the purpose of Alanon? Heck no! And it's not that I thought I was perfect or had all the right answers, but I knew what my A was doing wasn't the right path to be on: drinking and driving, lying, sneaking around, accusing me of being "crazy." So program has put me on a path of compassion for others, and self-discovery. I have discovered a lot of really important things! The idea that I could be happy no matter what others were doing, was a real "a ha" moment. I am another grateful member of Alanon, Lyne
Thank you so much for today's message and all the ESH above me. Boy, I could/should read this message every single day. I need to let people be who they are! Even if I don't say anything, my immediate go-to response is to judge....and usually not favorably. I am grateful that I recognize this trait in me....and at least I am not voicing my judgement as much as I used to.......
So, it is more focus on letting people be who they are whether I agree with their words/actions/values or not. More focus on my motives for the reason I say and do things......is it to manipulate through the back door? More focus on my own attitudes.
Hi this reading does hit home with me as well. I find that when I don't agree with what my AH is doing or see that he is harming himself, I want to make him aware of it and stop. I do this to stop my pain as well as his. I want him to be well, put the disease in remission. I have to just focus on my disease and codependency to get myself healthy. Pray and give my AH up to HP for care. I have to learn to accept he is where he is, I don't have to agree with it or support negative behavior. I just need to be loving and caring, not be mean. Keep my boundaries even if he doesn't agree with them. Alot of food for thought. Thanks.
Hey Paul - good to see ya!!! We miss you around here!!! Great shares & ESH everyone. Today's reading is awesome and I am so glad I was able to do my 'thing' this morning before the little people woke up. I am one who really handles 'life' much better when I just do the simple things suggested - daily readers are very, very important to my recovery!
(((Hugs))) to all - thanks for sharing.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
