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ive been living with my boyfriend happily for the past 5 mths but he has this werid situation that is tearing me up. i have tried to give the thing back to him,tried to ignore it,give it to higher power with no results
basically a few years ago, he co signed on a friend of a friend's apartment lease. he knows it was stupid to do and since then has had to pay her rent nearly every month. she constantly gives him a sad story about her bills and believes that my guy and her have a business deal which she is constantly demanding money for.. HE GIVES THE MONEY TO HER EVERYTIME and claims he doesnt owe her anything but never says NO! .went as far as having her sign a notarized letter saying she want ask for money anymore and my guy said he wouldnt send her any. sure enough a week later and up to today he is sending her money. i love him and have been happy but told him i couldnt take it anymore. i mentioned leaving. he never has given me any money and i never have asked though things have been tough for me. i clean this house,organize his hoard, do everything a psuedo wife would do.....acccckkkkkkkkkk
Hi...so...just to clarify...is he sending her money for the rent/lease? Or, is he sending her money for other things (whatever her sob story is) as well?
It sounds like he is sending her money for other things as well (when you reference, sure enough a week later...). Thanks.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
in order to keep his finances clear,he has to continue paying her rent when she claims she cant. only solution is if she gets kicked out by management or she dies.
yes,he sends her money for her supposed other bills :{
Alyce - this is one of those where the program suggests it's none of our business.....I do however understand your frustration. My best suggestion is to determine if you can define a boundary around it - from as simple as you don't want to hear about it any longer to more complicated as, "I can't live with you any more if you are legally bound to another person financially."
When I am 'stuck' on an issue, I tend to work the steps....it's the only process that helps me more clearly see what my options are....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
So...he is not just paying the rent or giving her money for the rent, because he co-signed. Not because his name is on the line, and he has a legal obligation to do so.
He is giving her money for other things -- because she is asking, demanding, guilting, sob-storying, and so on.
So, is this about you? Or about him? You can't change, solve, etc., him or anything about him. You can only change you.
Similar situation -- I didn't give money to pay the rent. And, I didn't give ANY OTHER money. None. But when it came time to pay the rent...I paid the rent directly. I didn't give money. I paid the rent directly. That was my boundary. And, if I didn't get the money back as per the agreement/re-payment...I never gave another dime.
He has a problem...saying no, or whatever it is...is his old problem going to consume you? Is his old problem going to be your new one?
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
My program says if it isn't important enough for the other person to make the change it is out of my hands....We have a slogan that works for many of us...."Let go and Let God". (((hugs)))
This is one of those slippery slopes, yes .. you are not going to change him .. however you DO have power over yourself.
If you did not then for me when dealing with my BF, who pays his XW an insane amount of spousal support. That's his business however I do feel resentful when it affects us in terms of what we can do and so on. He's paying her way outside of his means. I knew about it going in and so I kind of deal. It is what it is and I am glad he honors his debts. She doesn't believe it's enough and oh well .. that's on her not him. The longer we are together the easier the statement NO becomes.
If this is an ongoing issue that is never going to end then I mean what is your hardline about it? What is the point where you say no .. this isn't working for me and it is not about control it is not about changing him it is at what point does your sanity in the given situation loose out. I'm not making that a question .. it's just something to think about.
My BF's X continues to go on about his adult children living with him (why they live with her I don't understand however whatever .. not my business) .. that is a deal breaker for me and he is aware of that, it's a very dysfunctional situation and for my kiddo's to be involved in it .. they have both dealt with enough at this point and time so for me the answer is NO. Now I'm not stopping him from doing so and that choice is up to him .. my boundary is the relationship will have to take a break based upon the issue of not my circus not my monkey's and those ducks are so not even close to being ducks .. they are mutated squirrels.
What kind of deal breaker is it for you and is this a situation that if it didn't change in 5 years are you going to be ok with it?
It really is about you and what you want for your future. Sounds like working some steps would be a very good thing in this situation and seeing exactly what you want. Change him .. no .. that's not going to happen ... change me .. absolutely .. always and forever.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
