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Good morning all. I almost feel badly posting my concern while there is so much devastation in Texas. My problems aren't even problems compared to what that area of the country is going through.....so forgive my whining here today!
This fear of mine rears its head every time we are going to have out of town/overnight company. You all know what I am talking about, I am sure. My brother is coming in for a visit this Labor Day weekend. Tradition has been that if he is coming in for a week or so, he will book a hotel so he can set up an office to work from. When he is coming for just a couple of nights, he stays with us. We have more than enough room and it usually works out OK. We already discussed him staying here, so I don't want to tell him otherwise at this point.
A few years ago when we had some time to ourselves, my brother commented on AH's drinking; noticed that he drank quite a bit, wondered how I was doing with it and said he wouldn't bring it up again.....just concerned. As I have mentioned in a few recent posts, AH's drinking has increased since going off his pain meds for hip replacement. He is either half or fully "lit" by bedtime. I enjoy my mornings and afternoons with him because I know the tides will be turning by dinner time > bed time.
Honestly, I am just plain embarrassed for my brother to witness this advanced state. In the past, hubby has risen to the occasion and has been very careful, but I don't believe he has any control over that anymore.
I keep giving the impending visit up to HP, trying to not project and to stay in the present. However, this weekend looms.....and I can't help but dread and worry. I will hit a couple of meetings this week too, but any ESH you can toss my way would be greatly appreciated.
I hear you. Been there, done that. Early on, it hurt. I was scared, worried, and it never went well. Until I took a different approach. I changed my thinking, my mindset, etc. Sure, what does acceptance tell us? Right, we got it. What does the first step tell us? OK, check. Got it. So, I viewed this as an opportunity. For what? To leave my AW alone, and her brother, and my sister, would see what they would see. That is on my AW. Not me. If you think about it...why should you be embarrassed. It is a reflection on and speaks to your AH...not you! As a matter of fact, I was proud -- that my sister and her brother would see me, a healthy person, a person who was grounded and doing OK despite the fact that she was an alcoholic. Her own brother saw that I was "doing the right thing" and was simply the recipient of getting a bad hand dealt to me.
I didn't view this as being about my AW. This was about me. How? Why? Was this how I wanted to live the rest of my life? Is this the life I wanted to live? I realized that I was going to have a part-time spouse at best. The rest of the time she'd be not present, incoherent, passed out, loud, obnoxious, argumentative, distant, alone, withdrawn, sad, depressed, whatever she would be as a result of her disease. While I detached, both physically and emotionally, I would not accept unacceptable behavior, and life at times was good. Very good. Other times bearable. I didn't view al-anon has teaching me how to make the unbearable bearable. I didn't think al-anon would show me how to make the unacceptable acceptable. I didn't want to settle. So I did the work.
My AW's behavior stood on its own. Others knew, they realized, I couldn't get her to stop. I couldn't control her and keep her from getting drunk. Eventually, they didn't want to be around her when she was drunk. Eventually, she got the message on her own.
More to follow.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Hi Ellen, I understand that fear of family visits and the worry of how they would perceive my home situation with a sick alcoholic. At times my mind would say "well, maybe they won't notice" ... but that was denial rather than acceptance.
It sounds like your brother is understanding and cares about your well-being. Is it possible that he can be an emotional support for you? I know that when I opened up to a good friend who understood alcoholism and cared about me, it was such a miracle ... there was someone I could talk to, who didn't condemn the alcoholic or give me advice, just shared her experience and knowledge. I had to step away from my shame, and Higher Power led me to the people that I could trust with my secret. That friend -- and later my AlAnon meetings and sponsor -- were my safe havens in the storm.
Oh (((Ellen))) - you made me recall 'the visit from he!!' - *sigh*....I can chuckle about it now but in the moment - I was so full of shame and embarrassment!!!
What I know about me - based on FOO, there is this underlying 'compete and compare' between my siblings. I don't add myself there any longer as I quit the game before Al-Anon. Yet, we were all raised by the same parents, so the tendencies are 'there' for all of us.
Essentially, we had 2 untreated ACoA parents. Their journeys were different but they had many same characteristics. Those include - a perfect yard, house, cars, etc. gives the illusion of a perfect family. Everything needs to be 'perfect' esp. if company is coming. Grades were expected to be As and anything lower was punished. Hard work produces results. You can rest and play when you retire.....I could give many, many more - exhausting!!!
Any how, my parents retired, downsized and moved out of town. Yet, I am the only one here and here is where most of the family/friends are. They come in at least once a year, sometimes twice and they stay as long as they want. Well - it's been a long journey to stop freaking out over it! The 'visit from he!!' came years ago when my sons were both deep in addiction and I wasn't in Al-Anon yet.
I called a family meeting, instructed my AH & Sons how to be/act/do during 'the visit' and of course nobody listened and even cared. While my parents were here, my oldest almost OD'd (my parents did not know about the drug use) and when I tried to hide it from my parents, he blew an emotional gasket, put three holes in the walls coming down the stairs and then ran away! All while my parents were sitting in the family room at the base of the stairs!
It did not get better from there - but you get the jest. I was mortified, embarrassed, full of shame and decided to call my brother who always has an answer for any issue/problem/other in life. I told him what just happened and he was stunned silent. He actually finally said - that's pretty bad ____ - I got nothing.
I found myself hiding in my garage trying to figure out how to face my parents about the whole event...It was awful on so many counts....and then, when I did find the courage to return to the inside of the home, they did what they've done my whole life - acted as if nothing had happened!!! It just goes on and on and on for the rest of the trip - I was never so grateful to have them leave as I was 'that day'.
In Al-Anon, I've learned to say what I mean, mean what I say and not say it mean. They now know that if they want to know how my boys are doing, they can reach out and ask. They know that we have a on/off again relationship and I always am honest before they come - as far as our status. I do not talk about the disease in my boys or my AH with my parents as they are still in denial from their own upbringing + it's not my story. I do what I can to be of service but resigned from being the hospitality queen as well as the social chair for their visits.
Each one goes better and better and you touched upon the tools that serve me well - avoid projecting and One Day at a Time. I also figure that with an unknown future, living in the present is such a gift - I try to no longer worry about what might be/happen....
So - breathe and try to look forward to the visit. It took me quite a while to realize I worked so hard to 'be perfect' that I didn't even get to enjoy the anticipation of their visit. I got a call just yesterday, and my oldest + his son and son-in-law are all coming next month for a weekend of baseball + a Monday night football game. I offered them respite but also shared that I'll be playing ball for most of the time they are at their events. I'm not doing anything special beyond gathering those in the family that can/want to join for a dinner. I didn't offer to host it - we're going out.
Letting go in recovery has helped me let go of so many other things - lean in as you plan to and just trust the process. (((Hugs))) - enjoy your visit with your brother!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
