The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Good morning MIP!
Today's reading in Courage to Change is about the fear of making mistakes. The author explains how even the smallest mistake could lead to an avalanche of accusations and abuse from the alcoholic and eventually themselves. Avoiding mistakes, covering every possible outcome, seemed crucial. The author's self esteem suffored, and eventually they began to rationalize and cover up mistakes to maintain the appearance of perfect control.
The author found freedom in the difficult step 10, taking their inventory and promptly admitting when they are wrong.
This is an interesting reading for me. On one hand, at work and in my public life, i can see mistakes as opportunities for growth and learning. Everyone makes mistakes, and i think i have a rather healthy approach to them. Not so in my personal life! Here, i have become overly critical of myself and each mistake i make. My head wasn't a good place to be while i was trying to repair the lawnmower last weekend! The number of mistakes i made there was staggering! For me, my self esteem and self worth have become dependent on doing the "right" thing. Thankfully i have the tools of the program to help me openly admit my mistakes and apologize when i am wrong. (Or, in the case of the lawnmower, learn from my mistakes. I got it working again eventually. It only took 6 trips to the hardware store, lol!)
I'm in the woods this week with the pups. We saw a deer last night behind my car, and have been enjoying the distant howling of things more wild. I hope you have a great day!
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
I'm so grateful for your post and relate. I hadn't realized just how much being in a 20 year marriage to an active addict has distored my aversion to making mistakes. I now understand that everything I did or didn't do was considered a mistake. I was looking through the sick eyes of my exAH and drinking in the distortions as if they were facts. The harder I'd try, the more I would fail. There would be no winning for anyone as he spiraled downwards and as I let him take me with.
Working step 10 is a great focus to help overcome this so that I don't take blame and beat myself up for when things don't work well.
It's so worth saying and repeating that mistakes happen and are learning experiences. It's not the mistake that is a critical focus, but how they are handled and processed. The black and white thinking of distortion had me label things either into a category of good or bad.... mistakes, being bad (and end of story). I'd want the bad to go away so much that I'd remain stuck in the mistake rather than moving past it and getting on with life.
This is a wonderful post. Not only did I fear being called on my mistakes, I lied, avoided, covered up... anything I could do to not get the blow back. I didn't even see how dysfunctional I was and how I had become a person I didn't admire.
Good Morning Skorpi, Thanks for your service and for sharing your thoughts on this very important topic. Needing to be perfect and fear of making mistakes was a destructive attitude that I uncovered when working my 4th and 5th Step. I love the fact that alanon reminds me that I am a human being which means I am" imperfect" and will make mistakes most days. Being willing to ask for guidance from HP and learning to trust that showing up, with courage regardless of the fear strengthens my life experiences.
I love the fact that i can and should learn from my mistakes. I can embrace the lessons learned in these instances and grow and there is No need for regrets or beating myself up. It is always a WIN WIN Loved your share regarding the repair of the the lawn mower. Your abilities are amazing. Thanks for your service
Good morning all. Thank you all for your shares - great ESH. Thank you Skorpi for your service and the daily. Goodness - the 'perfectly planning polyanna pre-program me' can totally relate to this share from start to finish. It was so draining, so exhausting and so damaging to my person, heart, mind and soul!!
I am beyond words grateful that the program steps and support gave me the freedom to be the real me. I am mostly OK today being an imperfect person living in an imperfect world affected by a disease that I truly have no control over. When 'life' happens, I can be shaken yet each time I am walking forward through the pain, change or event, I find that relying on my HP, the spiritual journey and this program return me each and every time to a place where I know who I am and who I no longer want to be.
Happy Wednesday to one and all - off the get cleaned up, meeting, grocery store, cleaning, basement drying and then softball and little people for a sleep over. Make it the best day possible!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, Skorpi for today's message! Growing up and even into recent adulthood, I struggled with perfectionism every single day. I somehow had a very inflated vision of my intellihence and importance in keeping my loved ones on track. Full of advice, I had all the answers. At work, I also was a perfectionist and bristled at evaluations and constructive criticism. I couldn't let it go! Ugh....I was in an almost constant state of agitation!
Through Alanon, I have loosened my grip on being perfect. It is not possible, and life is much easier to tolerate when I can shrug my shoulders, or laugh it off and laugh at myself!
Looking for what might be my lesson, letting others be imperfect, living life on life's imperfect terms.....that is what I now strive for. I am glad OK with doing the best I can and letting the rest happen....and letting others to their best. I sometimes revert, but catch myself.
Have a wonderful Wednesday; lots of errands to run today!
Good morning and thank you skorpi for your post and your service.
this message resonated with me as well and I remembered times when I was living w my now exAH; I had myself convinced that if 'I did this then he would do that' or 'when I said this that caused that'-- so in a sense I thought my words and actions were causing or contributing to the situation at home.
what I know now is-- my qualifier was not necessarily putting this on me, but I was taking it on! The program has helped me learn I did not cause, I cannot control nor cure the disease. Once I started working on my own self things had a way of being sorted out with much more clarity than when I was minding the business of others!
"mistakes... I've made a few..." thank you ol blue eyes for reminding me! One of my earliest mistakes was my ego letting me think I would have such an effect on any one other person! I appreciate the humility of working this gentle program
This is certainly one of my main shortcomings that I need to address. I would say it was the first thing I started working on when I first came into Al-Anon a few months ago. Now I just bought Courage to Change on kindle this morning and my first reading is on one of my greatest obstacles. What's odd is that I knew this was a problem for me a long time before Al-Anon, but I could never stop berating myself for past mistakes. I also couldn't stop planning out every possible outcome and my response.
I don't know why Al-Anon seems to be helping as much as it is. I go to meetings and I frequent this forum but otherwise I don't actively do much other than chant the serenity prayer in my head. I'm just grateful that I feel better and can see a bit more clearly.
I remember as a kid, I wold clean my room or the kitchen, and the alcoholic would come "inspect" Oh its nice, BUT you forgot this!!! always a "but" and the negative...so for me, I just gave up trying....did half assed jobs at pretty much anything..I mean why bother?? it wasn't gonna be good enough anyway, and HIM?? he was another story..even more "put downs" so yea, THEN, later, I became a perfectionist...i had to "SHOW THEM" or perhaps it was to show ME that I am never perfect, but I can be "damned good" and if I make a mistake, it is just a mistake....my mistakes don't define who/what I am as a person.........Just sayng
