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I spoke with my A brother today and it was a conversation I didn't need on top of all the sorrow and loss and grief thrown at me this YEAR!!! so hes going on and on and I just told him how sorrowful I felt because to me?? when Jane died, that was IT for me re: family
Hes going on and on about how he "likes to drink..Its fun...I NEVER plan to quit...I can't wait to get off work and DRINK"
exact quotes from him...I just listened and when it was my turn, I just told him that as sorry as I am, I must let him go...I told him I was not in that place..Never wanted to BE in that place, that alcoholics have hurt enough of my life with abuse or chaos or drama not just being a healthy component to a relationship, be it man-woman brother-sister friend-friend...I told him every time he calls me, its all about him, never how I am doing...I am closer to folks at WORK than I am him and I said that to him..I told him that I wanted equality and mutuality and stability and trust in my relationships....AND he wants to visit?? I told him under no circumstances can he come to my house as an active drinker..He mentioned to me that "oh you can just shove me out the door" I told him I did not want to be put in the position of having to "shove someone out my door" that just doesn't and never will work for me
So, I told him I was done..Fed up..I don't want to watch him enter end of life stages as active drinking WILL, GUARANTEED happen if he does not stop...He will begin to lose his thinking, his central nervous system will be destroyed, not to mention the cirrosis of the liver where he will bleed out like the rager mother did...and her death was slow....I asked him if he remembered the bloody and horrid death she experienced...."
his reply was "well, I don't care...I want to drink...I feel good now...I eat well....but I plan to keep getting drunk because that is what I want to do"
I said "your choice--your death" and I told him I would ask the angels to look after him, but as long as he felt that way??? Don't come around me or contact me...I am done with this!!! A wise person said their sponsor told them to stay away from all things alcoholic , or words to that affect...I agree...If I want to heal, to progress, to move beyond the dysfunction and chaos and drama and legal troubles and hospital emergency visits he routinely goes through and of course calls ME, crying about "woe is me" its always someone's elses fault.... and his MIA episodes which are increasing, it seems and my worrying is he dead or just on a big bender...I dont' want that anymore...So I told him I was cutting him loose with a Ton of love and "come back if you decide to get into AA...I'll support you as long as you want to help yourself"..I am a CoDa which is an addict personality..I am not gonna hang with other addicts..I want to keep my issues in remission...and I'll do whatever I have to do to be sane, serene and progressing....
I will not be witness to his self inflicted and slow suicide...
Another loss, but I am doing ok with it...I know it is healthier for me to , sadly, give him up to his HP and LET GO!!!!
So, essentially, I have no more siblings, so I guess I need to embrace the FOC loved ones I have in my life and let the drinkers, druggers, users and takers and abusers GO!!! Creator Bless them-----Creator change me!!!!
-- Edited by mamalioness on Tuesday 15th of August 2017 01:34:48 AM
((Rose)) My brother felt likewise. I needed to remember that alcoholism was a dreadful disease and do my best to maintain a loving supportive relationship with him. He fell and broke his hip , was hospitalized and demanded that his grown children bring him Vodka in the hospital. Needless to say he died there after a short stay. l visited, sent fruit baskets and never commented on the alcohol. Being powerless allowed me to have no regrets
Prayers for you and your brother.
I feel for you. I see you working your way towards the light. I am sure that was a painful conversation that brought some relief and some sorrow. But I guess this is the journey. For my AH that I recently left, I am working on detachment with kindness. But where is the line? What is an acceptable amount of kindness before I feel like I am losing too much of myself again? Perhaps your journey with your brother is similar. One day at a time. I hope you will keep us posted on your journey.
Wow, Betty, your brother wanting vodka in hospital..Vodka is my brother's poison of choice as well....I will always love him, but at a distance..I told him if he got help, I would do everything to help him with literature, etc....its not about not loving them, its about loving ME enough to say "OK, I toss in the towel"...and yep..I agree...I am powerless over him...really, he is 63, I think?? and still going?? hes tough..he could last a while, but as you and I both know, in the end, if he doesn't stop, the drink will get him.....thanks for the prayers....Hes a nice guy, underneath the disease...
thank you grateful: its hard..Really hard...I told him I would always love him, but just can't go any more of this with him....and yea, i DID feel relief along with sorrow......and yep...detachment/letting go with kindness...I didn't say a mean thing to him...what for??? hes in an 80 proof prison.....don't know where the line is, but when Janie died, I guess, his drinking and dissing her when she was dying..not calling her or texting her when he could have, but chose to get drunk instead,I think he crossed the line, then..Then I get so sick I am unable to walk or eat or drink because of all the grieving, we couldn't even support each other...i tried and tried to call him over and over, but he was on Vodka holiday....somewhere a line was crossed in all this....and I felt me, too, losing too much of myself on someone who didn't even care enough to reach out to ME while all this was going on....like she began to walk towards death in MAY and never a word from him.....too many benders , close together, he was "occupied" I called his BMF and he had ripped him off for $400 on a job they did together....it broke my heart for him to do that when his BMF had done so much to help him......I will always be kind to him in that I will send him light energy and be there when he decides to get help.....and yea, I had to cut him for the most part--- loose, .....Back off...Let go...maybe if he keeps losing people, he will get the idea, but I have zero expectations.....I did this, letting go, for ME....of course I will keep you all posted.....
I'm so sorry. I know this is very painful. I can only share my own experience and please take what you like and leave the rest. I don't have many family members. When I lost the emotionally closest one of them, it was so painful and sitting with those feelings was downright miserable. I wanted my sibling to step up to the plate, get sober be available, be who were with one another before the disease took over. I felt a terrible sense of abandonment despite my Alanon family's presence in my life. I didn't have a god sized hole, I just felt such intense absence of family of origin love. I went to the hardware store for bread in a quest to find that love. I made many trips as I was processing my grief of the one who had died. The shelves were always empty and to be honest my hunger remains even today. I try to fill myself up acceptance of what is, gratitude for the simplest gifts concerning my sibling and prayers for an open mind that will allow for hope concerning "us." When the death occurred, it changed me. Panic and feelings of abandonment were looming large and somehow through my pain, my demands became larger yet on my sibling to provide something that he wouldn't. He hadn't changed but I had and damn it was time for him to get sober and be my big bro again, I needed him! That need, that extreme emotional discomfort from the loss of another family member propelled me to try to force instant emotional availability from him. It was a set up for failure and only forced into the light yet again a painful truth I already knew - he couldn't show up for me, he couldn't even show up for himself. My early grief was so intense I felt I just couldn't bear to lose anyone else. This feeling isn't resolved even today but Alanon has given me tools to cope with it. Sharing helps on so many many levels especially sharing myself with others and accepting what is concerning family. There are so many people out there who are just waiting for someone to welcome them, to spend time with them, to help them feel a little less alone in our program and out of our program. Here is what i know to be true. I know my loved one who has passed loved me and would want me to live my best life now that they're gone and I know my bro under his disease and in the absence of living healthfully and fully also loves me and wants his little sister to be living her best life. How better to honor myself and both their lives than to do just that. Rose, what else can we really do? What else is there to do? There's so much to do! So much to do for ourselves. We can keep good boundaries concerning family who are active in their disease. We don't have to sit and take it at the other end of the phone, of course not. "Oh there's the doorbell I have to go." That has always bee a great detachment tool for me It's also a way of keeping it simple and keeping my serenity. I don't need to be taunted over the phone by someone who is drunk or whose thinking is skewed from years of use. I don't know if any of this has been helpful for you. I know you hurt. I know you love your sister and your words in your post tell me you also love your brother. Our prayers for acceptance of what is can be the hardest ones but resting in the surrender of it all helps us to regain our sanity. I wish you peace and healing (((Rose))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
You hit the nail on teh head....I just texted him and vm'd him...I told him I did NOT really want to 100% give him up, but I had to set boundaries, re: NO visit while active drinker, but CAN we be loving sibings IN SPITE OF his drinking??? Can he FIT me IN??? Somewhere in his life???? I think when he hit me up with that "I'm gonna drink and get drunk as much as I want because I like it and I never want to sober up and quit" his words...I felt abandoned AGAIN!!! Like another death, only hes above ground....It was just too much for me!!! I couldn't handle it....so I tossed the dishes out with the soapy , dirty water......I just texted him this am, and VM'd him as well....and just asked him , "let me know" if we can have a loving sibling relationship "around and in spite of your drinking, can we do that???" "can you fit me in somewhere in your life?????" I am waiting to see what he says...I have always been his favorite....but yesterday?? I felt like he just pulled the other of two rugs , out from under me...
I am open...Willing...BUT!!! BUT!! Boundaries will be in place ----BIG time.
Thank you ((((((((((((TT)))))))) ))))) for speaking your truth to me which is spot on.....I read your post here, and thought "OMG----THIS is what I felt" Like you were sitting in my mind and heart, reading me....WOW!!!!! how awesome is that?????? Janie died, and he went MIA all these WEEKS.....yea, it was too much......so now its time for me which I did , to work out SOME LIVABLE way of staying together with him, but keeping my distance from the drinking part of him.....
WOW!!!!! what you said, I felt this am...like i am thinking as I sat and drank my water, "there HAS to be a better way to handle this" I feel sooo alone and abandoned and just floating with no ballast to keep me grounded....so I did some breathing meditations last night and this am, re: releasing the fear and frustration from me and breathing in love and peace........I don't want to never talk to him again.....
(((Rose))) so glad something I posted helped you. Grieving is rough it does let up on us a bit with each passing day. You've done what you can now concerning your brother. Maybe that helps with feeling a little more serene. I have a hunch that he will be willing to have some sort of relationship with you :) And yeah, boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.
PS: If you hear the doorbell ring, peek through the curtains first before answering. TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
These are some of the growth periods I had to get and use in order to be set free from the disease of alcoholism and addiction. I had to admit that I did know how to be helpful for others who chose to be helpful for themselves and also admit that my alcoholics and alcoholic/addict wasn't in that group. I learned about the disease and stopped trying to find ways around what I was learning...Acceptance IS THE SOLUTION to all of my problems...PERIOD no exceptions and that was a small part of my recovery behavior. I loved having them around while I kept my boundaries which were universal without exception and without negative emotions. By God (yes...by God) it worked and everything got quiet and the wars stopped.
I learned that there wasn't many differences between I and them with the most important one being I would no longer drink and use with anyone and I would not allow anyone else to do it around me given the choice. Mutual respect allowed us to have our choices and our consequences without suffering losses. My niece once asked me "So Uncle Jerry, how come you don't drink anymore"? and my best thought of response to her was, "If I gave you the answer to that what would you do with it". That in an effort to cause her to think about what was going on right at that minute. She would not have quit drinking for any reason. "I'm done was another response and I didn't use it."
When I was working and struggling with letting go of my alcoholic/addict wife my sponsor who stayed close to me gave me this lesson..."When you turn her over and let go and let God....Get the hell out of the way and let the two of them (HP and Alcoholic/addict) meet". That practice drove me mad for a little while and then I found myself saying, "Free at last, free at last...thank God I'm free at last". HP returned the favor as HP always does and I learned what humility was.
I respect and love this post and responses because this is how I remained alive and sane. Mahalo MIP family for your unconditional love and support. (((hugs)))
(((Rose))) It has taken me decades to figure out what boundaries would work for me regarding my sister should I need to be in touch with her. It came when the boundaries were made from a place of compassion rather than fear.... I am doing my best to apply this to other situations in my life where I feel I fell down the rabbit hole. Sending postive thoughts and prayers your way.
"compassion rather than fear" yea, that is what I did with A-Brother....I just gotta love and accept him AS IS and for a while, when Janie died, I did not...i wanted him sober, LOL..Like hes gonna do that but my fear of abandonment kicked me in the butt and yea , I reacted rather than responded....I did have remorse for my actions tho, last night while I did my step 10 thingy and thought "OMG..there HAS to be a way I can protect me from the insanity, AND keep a loving brother who truly loves me and is basically a good person, just in the disease" So I just had to look at it as "OK, boundaries are in place..he knows that...so now just accept him with the boundaries and leave it to his maker"....that is what I choose to do.....oh yea, i fell down the rabbit hole big time when she died, I just went into fear mode of being abandoned and left alone. like TT says, the grief will ease in time, and I must just keep on keepin on because this pain SHALL not last forever.....I am SOOOOOO gr8ful I have this community and Al-anon family........WOW!!!! I hope I give as much as I get here..
(((((((((((((((((gratefulforafuture))))))))))))))))))))) awww that is soooo nice of you to say and I am so happy that you are learning here....Much love back at you, my good little recovery mate..........So glad you are here....
I learn so much and feel inspired and supported when I read your posts as I struggle with similar things. It's good to know that I'm not alone and I'm grateful that you're here.
Your a strong woman Rose and I admire your clarity in your decisions and courage to love yourself enough to Let Go and Let God. Its really brave. I dont know if my life will ever be free of this disease because its in every one of my children, one drinks, one rescues and saves, one is a controller. Its in me the complete set of symptoms minus the actual drinking or drugging but its in me. I want to be able to trust myself as you have done to not tolerate unacceptable behaviour one day at a time. Thanks for sharing.x
(((el-cee))) Hey, good to see you, lady!!! it takes a strong woman to know one..I love reading your shares......I don't really expect my life to ever be free of this disease either but I slog along day to day, learning, and shooting for progress and remission....it impacted my daughter (really my bio niece whom I raised up as my own) and SHE is in recovery...it impacted my 2 adopted daughters (not the one I had to turn over to Creator) but the other one I have had since forever and who is a dear!!! SHE is in recovery and she is a people pleaser...the daughter (bio) is a recovering meth addict........Its in me too, el-cee...we just gotta keep on keepin on...I made amends to all kids, even the one who was and still would be abusive to me, had I not put serious distance between us, but I had to to take care of myself and keep moving forward..She is in a place where I no longer accept and want to ever be......I made my amends..being over protective of them, sticking my nose too much in their business out of FEAR they would suffer the mistakes that I made....the bio one married a druggie and got into the darkness of drug abuse.....the one a year younger married a narcissist who abused her and exploited her kind and giving , loving spirit and really knocked her down...now she has been in recovery along with me, and married a sweetheart....both those girls are working strong programs..I pray each day, they keep up the good fight---for themselves.....the last adoptee of mine??? I just have to be satisfied that I got into recovery, made amends to my kids, pointed out to them that I loved them to death, but I am a CoDa big time and my disease impacted them, even tho I was a loving mother, never hit or abused my kids, my CoDa was there........and you are right...I do NOT tolerate unacceptable behaviour but its a ONE day at a time proposition.....I have to work on me DAILY....I see HUGE growth in you...BIG time....and I am glad you are here because I always get something good out of your honest and brave and wise shares........BIG hugs to you and I am glad you are part of my recovery
It's also a way of keeping it simple and keeping my serenity. I don't need to be taunted over the phone by someone who is drunk or whose thinking is skewed from years of use. I don't know if any of this has been helpful for you. I know you hurt. I know you love your sister and your words in your post tell me you also love your brother. Our prayers for acceptance of what is can be the hardest ones but resting in the surrender of it all helps us to regain our sanity. I wish you peace and healing (((Rose))) TT 
TT
...I did have remorse for my actions tho, last night while I did my step 10 thingy and thought "OMG..there HAS to be a way I can protect me from the insanity, AND keep a loving brother who truly loves me and is basically a good person, just in the disease" So I just had to look at it as "OK, boundaries are in place..he knows that...so now just accept him with the boundaries and leave it to his maker"....that is what I choose to do.....oh yea, i fell down the rabbit hole big time when she died, I just went into fear mode of being abandoned and left alone. like TT says, the grief will ease in time, and I must just keep on keepin on because this pain SHALL not last forever.....I am SOOOOOO gr8ful I have this community and Al-anon family........WOW!!!! I hope I give as much as I get here..