The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
All my life I viewed life "as I wanted it- dreamed it- wished for it to be"
Case in point...my nieces in CA..I have spoken to them re: possibly moving nearer to them and they are telling me all the rent they are gonna charge me, PLUS I have to get rid of my pets because they are "dogged" up according to the city and I just told them that my pets are my children and so maybe I need to RE think moving to their ranch , living in a travel vehicle as they can't accomodate a mobile home, so that means parting with just above everything I have to be there
I also have been observing since my sister's departure their interactions with me...I get only facebook communications from them AT BEST..Most of the time, there is no contact, but as I read THEIR pages, I see them telling this one and that one "I'll call you tonight" or "I will call later" but so far, that is not given to me...I told my sponsor this and told her "I think my hopes and expectations of an instant family were just that-----hopes and expectations" its been a long time since I saw those girls...even communicated with them...I reached out but got minimum back...So okaaay, it is what it is and I am not moving to be alone again...
2nd plan...My BFF lives in Vegas...too expensive for me, so we are looking at little towns in AZ , near NV, or in NV near AZ/CA where cost of living is easy and I can re-establish with a doctor in las vegas..
I'm thinking about this....BUT---- WHAT are MY expectations???? are they realistic????? and with BFF they are...boy we would have fun and I can make new friends for sure....what I MUST do is find a mobile where I can own the lot....no lot rent...can't afford...but if i can find a nice, built after 2005, say, mobile on a decent sized lot, NEAR my BFF, that would be kinda cool
The girls are "just not that into me" as I had hoped...its OK..better to see it then not see it....
Saturday night I got so physically ill, I nearly called 911, but was so sick, I am lying there, ready to "let go" to Creator if it means getting out of this mental, emotional and now physical pain....the following day, when I was able to walk and communicate I got ahold of this nurse friend of mine and she said that all the emotional stress this year, just took my body down...there is a nasty stomach bug going around and I got the industrial strength version...She said she would take me to doctor if I can't get back to eating, which I am, a little...BUT..I am not working this week..I need the $$ but I need me more....
anyway, I post this on facebook...I know my sister's girls saw it....one even posted a , looked like obligatory, post wishing me well....ME??? I would have been on the phone!!! They can call me when they need information, etc....so I just took it as it was....
I am disappointed a bit, but ya know??? I am so so gr8ful that I see life AS IT IS...not what I hope/dream/wish/pray it would be....nothing beats reality...Even if that reality sucks...I am checking my motives and my expectations and they do NOT fit moving out where they are, more expensive living, paying rent, AND having it harder to make ends meet for a bunch of girls who have outgrown me as I have been gone for over 20 years....its noones fault...it just IS.....I will be of support to then when I am WELL enough to give support to them....I had to grieve this out, posting here, leaning on my BFF and my good friends...I didn't have ONE biological soul to share with.....not one.....it is what it is and I am going to make my life decisions based on what is REAL----RIGHT NOW!!!!!!!
I am able to eat today and walk around, i possibly could work tomorrow, but why exert myself on a tank that is only 1/4 full?? why not wait until I am recovered and ready to go on....Saturday night as my body was crashing , I had a good cry over her and got out her pictures and told her this..........." that after this night, I am saying goodbye, love you forever, miss you forever, but I gotta move on and my life and spirit must go on without you now..I will keep inspiring people and I will keep being real and a blessing wherever I am at, but I must go without you now....sleep well and maybe I'll see you in my dreams before I see you in eternity."
I put her pictures away in my "Jane" box, awaiting her ashes and her "sisters" blanket I bought for her IF the girls remember to send it back to me and its time..Time for me to go on...
FOOTnote: NONE of the alcoholic/addict brothers reached out to anyone..not me..not anyone...as they view life from beneath a shot glass, continuing to self destruct, I have accepted----I no longer have any bio family....I must go on by myself and "love the ones I got" and let the others go........
Hi Rose, sorry to hear what you are going through, on top of your grief about your sister. Life on life's terms is hell sometimes. I went through the loss of someone very close a few years ago and I remember reading in one of the many books I read about grief to not make any major life changing decisions until a year had passed. It just occurred to me to pass that on to you. It was my daughter's dad who died, none of his side live in the same country as me and I've often wished they would make more effort to have regular contact with her, but they don't. You have tried to offer support. I guess we just can't take a lot of stuff personally. Living near your best friend does sound fun though! Look after yourself with that bug and hope all becomes clearer for you soon.
HI Rose, I admire your decision to keep your pets, they are children to those of us without children. You sound positive even though you are having a challenging time. It seems that you are being put in a position where you can make decisions about what YOU want and what is important to YOU and you seem to be very strong in the face of these tough times. Take Care x
__________________
"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
hey Sorcha, nope!!!! not gonna do ANYTHING serious till at least a year has passed...Thank you for reminding me...I told my BFF/Sponsor, this will take about 2 years to do anyway...research....cleaning out stuff I don't want to take with me.....so yea, we both agreed....let at least a year pass b4 I make any real decisions......and I am not taking their indifference to me personally...its all good....GLAD I am seeing this NOW, then later......my BFF is "tried and true" but again...check my motives...check my expectations....God forbid, she passes...will I be in a place where I got other people whom I like?? etc....lots of things to consider.........and the best thing---------LEAVE IT TO MY HP within me.................I am just gonna "sail" by the day...not project any farther than today.....Today I think I will be able to eat something.....
Hey MizzB...thank you for the nice note...and yep...I adore my pets...they don't leave me until they pass....my babies...when I was so sick, I had the little wild one in his crate and the older lab/pit and the younger lab/pit both black and gorgeous animals at my side like GLUE while I was so sick and struggling to breath and find relief from my pain..They were worried about me and stayed at my side..I couldn't even go to the restroom w/out them following me and watching over me......and I am gonna part with them???? NOT!!!!!! and yea, I am just on the sidelines, now, observing who and what I want to spend my last years with....as to the tough times, I am burning my candles, talking with my angels for protection and cleansing, and giving over to my HP..sometimes when I let go, I see the claw marks on it from my hands not wanting to let go, but yea, the big thing is NON resistance....they say negative cannot thrive on NO energy returned to it.........I'm hanging in there...Gonna actually eat something today.............HUGS of gratitude.....
hey Betty and LinSC yep, would rather live in reality then to mess with unrealistic and/or incorrect/inappropriate expectations...yea, I wanted a family and was thinking "she left..I cannot DO NOT want to take her place, but maybe could have filled her space" but I see these girls and they are "just not that into me" so it is what it is.....I don't know where I belong or fit....gotta find it.....OR maybe just on a day to day basic, Love where I am at right now.....my higher self , i am sure, will give me signs, as she did re: the girls......so I am in no rush....i waited this long for a purpose, I suppose I can wait a bit longer...
(((Rose))) reality truly does suck frequently... sending hugs and admiration for your strength and courage in facing it... more will be revealed as you take care of YOU. hope you're feeling better sooooon.
((((((((((((((Junenine)))))))))))))))))) LOL LOL I need a laugh....."reality truly does suck frequently" well, lately there has been a HUGE vacuum around my entire life, thanks for the laugh.....
thanks LinSC....yea, looking at it in the face..not liking it but thats part of acceptance...I don't like it or agree with it or even want it but it is what it is and does it fit where I am going?? where I am at??? Nope!!! So on to another plan
Thank you Betty...I needed a bit o encouragement....been a really ugly day....I an re-boot tomorrow..hopefully I'll feel good enough to at least go for a swim, but with this weird weather, rain, cold fronts...I'm still too weak for tennis, no way!! but maybe a stroll on the basketball court and toss a few at the basket.....really today is my first day, eating anything substantial....
