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Hey Everyone! It has been a while since I have been on here. Everyone helped me so much when I was here previously.
A little update on my situation- things ended up getting worse with my ABF, so I decided I just couldn't stay in the relationship any longer. I had made up my mind to end the relationship, even though we still lived in the same house. A couple weeks ago, he decided to check himself into a 30 day rehab in CA (I live in NC). I have spoken to him a couple times since he finished detox and moved to residential. He sounds so much better, more clear headed, and optimistic. He even apologized for taking me for granted and being so dependent on me for everything. (Feeling unappreciated and taken for granted was one thing that bothered me the most!) I do understand that he is an alcoholic and he may just be saying the things he thinks I want to hear.
My question is how I support him once he completes his treatment and returns home. He said the first thing he wants to do when he gets back is to find an AA meeting to go to. I don't know how I am supposed to help him with his sobriety and what should I expect. I am going to try so hard to have an open mind and go in with a positive attitude, but it is so hard to forget about the past. I also don't want to be a trigger to make him relapse or bring any negativity to his recovery.
I want to do everything I can to support him, but I also don't want to have unrealistic expectations. I would love to hear some stories or advice from people that have gone through this. Thank you so much in advance for all your help!
Hi NCJo, Whenever my ABF comes off the drink I ask him how to support him. I share your worries that I will trigger or make things hard for him. Unfortunately I'm not in the position of him having being to rehab so I have to use what he thinks helps but within that I have to be true to myself and make sure I"m not doing anything that compromises my values. Good luck with everything.
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"To change the world, start with one step. However small, first step is hardest of all" Dave Matthews Band
Welcome back NCJo, Glad that your partner is seeking recovery. I found that the best support i could give my hubby, was to get into an alanon recovery program for myself.
Alanon has face to face meetings in most communities and offers new constructive tools to live by while encouaging members to respond to the world with basic healthy principles. This is a dreadful disease that we are dealing with and finding sopport is essential.
My AW has been struggling with addiction since her teen years. She's been in recovery this time for about two years. She actually says that she feels most supported when I go to AlAnon meetings.
I couldn't wrap my head around that at first. After all I have done to keep our family afloat and help her in every way I possible could for nearly a decade, she feels most supported when I go to Alanon meetings? It turns out, though, that learning a new way of being in my AlAnon program let me let go of the control over her that I thought I had to maintain. I was sure if I just did or said the right combination of things, I would be really supporting her and her recovery, and she could ...
What I needed to do was focus on myself and leave her and her sobriety to her own Higher Power. I needed to get out of her way, and I learned to do that in AlAnon through loving detachment, healthy boundaries, and many other program tools. In AlAnon, I have found a community of people who also have experience living with the disease. Their experiences, shared in meetings and places like MIP, have really helped me.
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
My experience was very similar to what Skorpi describes - taking my focus off my husband and trusting him to do well for himself gave me time to do things that made me a happier person to be around. Great to hear that your boyfriend is seeking recovery, this is a great time for you to build in some recovery time for yourself as well.
Also, you are right, it is hard to forgot the past, I struggle with that a lot and found that as I started to let my barriers down I would bring them right back up again all by myself. I've found it easier to be honest about this - not rehashing the past but simply saying 'I need time to get over some things, I appreciate your patience.' Making my present time as good as possible for me helps me to do this as well.
I've learnt a lot of lessons through Al Anon and they are really valuable for me regardless of who I'm with, the main one is being honest about myself and how I'm feeling. I do need a support structure to off-load to as well. Sending (((((Hugs))))))
Welcome back NCJo - I also agree that working your own recovery is the best step to support another. Sending you tons of thoughts, prayers and positive energy - for your partner as well. Recovery is not an easy road, yet it's also the best path to peace and serenity when one wants it!
(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
