The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have felt very focused the past couple of weeks and feel as if I am struggling to get my focus back. Excuse me while I vent...My husband smoked weed yesterday and I didn't mean to and knew I shouldn't, but I ended up telling him I was angry and exactly why. I ended up telling him that I didn't feel he was actually working his program to his fullest ability. I ended up feeling angry and resentful most of the day yesterday. He kept asking me why I was in such a mood. I told him that I am tired of him promising to do something or promising not to do something and then not following through. I told him to keep his mouth shut and then if he does or doesn't do something I will be pleasantly surprised. He called me today and said he got a speeding ticket last night when he left out for work. This is his sixth in the last couple of months. I made a small comment on it and bit my tongue so I wouldn't lecture. We don't have the money to pay the ticket. He will have to pay it. I read my literature this weekend and tried to stay focus on that. That kept me pretty busy, but I can't figure out how to deal with my feelings. The anger and resentment are what causes me to run my mouth. I just can't figure out how to deal with those feelings. I am going to school full time. I was fired in September for something that was completely my fault. My husband is the only one working. I tried to apply for medicaid for my daughter and they wouldn't approve it until I applied for unemployment. I thought it was impossible, but I applied because I had to. I was approved for unemploment. I have to wait eight weeks for it to start because of the penalty of being fired for something that was my fault. The amount will be almost the same as what I was making. I was pleasantly surprised because I didn't expect it. I only applied six months later because i had to. I'm glad they forced me to apply. Now I will have insurance for my daughter and at the beginning of May I will have some income. That relieves some worry about my going back to school full time and leaving my husband as the only one working. (I was approved for financial aid for school, so I won't have to pay a penny.) My son receives SSI so that helps with all of his expenses. I am blessed. My HP really does provide for me.
Anger and resentment have been stumbling blocks for me as well. When I get angry my natural response is to let him know about it. It was so hard for me this weekend not to go off. I have been trying to get myself to a quiet place and either journal or think it out for myself and calm down. I can literally get so angry I shake. The "a" is not angry because he's not taking responsibility for his own actions. He breaks promises because he can't find the energy emotionally or physically to complete something or see it through. I realized yesterday that the "a" has some good intentions but he sabotages his own intentions with alcohol. After a night of heavy drinking his head is like a frozen pineapple and his insides are turned upside down. If I felt like that every other day I would probably want to lie in bed too. It doesn't help our situation but maybe after so long of feeling like hamburger he'll wake up and say, what's happening to me. Wow, I could have had that great job, I could have saved money all these years, I could have, should have, would have. I'm thinking about getting a punching bag for me and the kids to take our anger and frustration out on, the anger has to be released, its stored up energy that can eat us alive. Maybe something cathartic like this would be good for you.
I hope you have a great day,
Hugs,Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
That is great news about the unemployment, powerless.
Keeping quiet over something that hurts us and our families so much is very, very hard.
Keep the focus on yourself. You're doing a great job, and we're all gonna have a slip now and then. We're still babies in the program. We will get better with practice.
