The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Ever notice when you have taken a stance against the darker forces in this world and begin looking to HP to strenthen you and give you courage, more challenges pop up for you to deal with?
I was trying to prepare myself for the day when my "a" and I would have a disagreement and how that would play out. On Sat. morning I began paying the bills and began discussing what was being paid off etc, etc. He was sober at this point. He heard what I had to say, but this I guess reminded him that he just took a pay cut and would not have as much money to do the things he wanted to do. The conversation got a little heated, but there was not much yelling, no name calling, no slamming of doors, no scaring the children. We brought them to their room and said, Mommy and Daddy have important grown up things to talk about we'll be with you in a minute. ( Kids don't care, they want your attention when they want it). We ended the conversation, he was frustrated and felt like he could not get a head. I thought about what I would be comfortable doing as a compromise for him and our family. I had to ask myself, what I was willing to do, I could not be resentful about it, bring it up in a fight etc.
So I reopened the conversation and let him know that we would take care of the expenses on the new car together, the only way I would become resentful is if he didn't follow through with his half or he drinks and drives. He understood my feelings. The rest of the day was nice and we went out together that night. Of course he got pretty drunk which was not fun for me. He wasn't crued or obnoxious just happy but I did get a little embarrassed when we were at the bar downstairs. He didn't say much by way of conversation the entire evening, which I found annoying. (Progress not Perfection)
So the next morning, I spoke up and simply asked that the next time we go out could he no get so drunk. Of course he could not see my point about me being embarrassed, he immediately said, "Here you go controlling my life again." I simply said I'm not controlling you, if you want to drink when we're out fine, just don't get so hammered. I said what I had to say and got up and started our day. He came over to me a couple minutes later, gave me a hug and kiss and said " O.K." ( I guess that meant o.k. I hear you and understand I won't get so drunk next time.) I left it at that.
The next challenge I had was my kids, they were restless, getting into everything, just plain not listening. My "a" was hung over and in bed. He could hear the trouble I was having with the kids, I think he got up once to change a diaper then went back to bed. We had plans to go to my Dad's that day. I knew he wasn't up for the trip so I left him in bed. I felt that old anger and resentment because I wish I could just lay in bed and not deal with the kids, but that won't happen. ( I kept my mouth shut) I took them to the park to run out their energy and called him to give him a chance to come. He declined and said he just wanted to relax and get back on schedule before his work week started. ( I said o.k. in a cherry voice and hung up the phone) The rejection was what I couldn't handle on the inside. I found it hard to accept that he just wanted to do something else. I fumed about this for a while until I got to my Dad's. Then my father was being an a--h--- too!! My kids wanted to get into all his things, they didn't want to eat the food he prepared, they were just wired. I was ganged up on by them, they were quicker than I could catch them. My Dad finally says, "So what's wrong with you, its like you are not hear". I said my morning was crap and I'm tired from staying up so late. He just o.k. then my one son starts throwing dirt from his flower pot onto his concret floor on the porch. My Dad lost it with them and started screaming at them that he doesn't appreciate them coming to his house and destroying his things and not eating his food, and if they didn't learn to be civil he wouldn't envite them back. (O.K my kids are 2 1/2) do ya think they got any of that!! My son walked away and in his sweet voice said, "I'm sorry mommy". My Dad yells don't say your sorry to her, say it to me." I had had it!! I packed them up and left, told my Dad sorry they were just too wild and we had to go. He says, " Well I remember I went over to my grandparents when I was little and I don't recall messing up their house." I said, "Well, if you can remember when you were two I'm amazed". He said, "Well my parents wouldn't have let me." I began feeling like a kid again, when he would tear into me and break my spirit and my self-esteem down. I can't allow my kids to go through that with him. He's caused enough damage to people in his life, I'm not about to let him destroy my children. So I left and have decided we won't be going to grandpa's anytime soon, if wants to see them he can come to our house.
I got home vented to my "a" and cried some too. It really hurt me. Recovery has taught me that I don't have to take his crap and abuse anymore and I don't have to subject my kids or family to it. My "a" made a good point, my Dad knows nothing about taking care of kids, he was never around to help my mom. I was able to ask for what I needed, which was just a hug and to hear that I was a good mom and we were o.k. my "a" was able to do that for me, which I'm glad about. I'm grateful I can see the dysfunction from my childhood and finally know that I'm not that kid anymore that has to take it, I can see what it did to me now. I really believed I was a piece of sh-- when I was a kid, I believed my Dad's lies and became a people pleaser to get people to be my friend, love me, or just be around me. I know now that if someone doesn't love me or wants to be around me, its their loss. I'm fine and I'm worthy of being treated with more respect than my father can offer. I guess that's why he's going to live out his last days alone. He never learned to love anyone or care about anyone but himself. I'm thankful that HP is showing me a new way to live, so I don't end up like him.
Have a great Day,
Twinmom~
__________________
"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Wow what a weekend! I agree with you the more you try to put things where they are supposed to be the harder the "dark forces" are working against us---man they really like to have us on their side don't they? "Misery loves company" they say!
I think you did a great job of handling things though!! You left when you needed to-made decisions for yourself, told your husband what you needed from him. Goood Job you!!
I hope you have a good week! 2 1/2--wow I remember those days!! I only had one at a time! I know it can be overwhelming just being a mother of toddlers, but with everything else I know you must truly get so tired! Try to take care of you.
Your a Busy Girl. ((haha)) You handled everything with diginity and grace. I'm impressed with your patience and your strong will to detach and keep the peace. I am very proud of you. Proud of your focus on living happy and a healthy life using the tools and the support help of the program in all you do each day. Hp / God Bless. ((BigHug))
twin mom, AMEN. I sure relate to the it is their loss if they don't love me and don't want to be around me.
Also relate to the not taking any abuse at all. One negative thing, I am outa there.
You sound like you handled everything well.
It is hard having two little ones. I wish your dad would have seen the humor in it. I love watching kids and what they get into. My kids were only fourteen mo. apart and were just like twins. Looked alike too.
Ok it is true, the more you want to do right, and you work on it, the stronger evilness tries to turn you back to him. Satan loves it when he can pull you away from the creator. He thinks we only love the creator becuz he gives us everything. He hates it when we still love the creator even when he puts all the bs on us he can.
tis true, read "Job" if you are into that.
You enjoy your cuties and ignore the bs men adults in your life unless they choose to respect you. oops advise again. dang.
I would watch my kids and play with them and laugh and not give the A or dad any attention.
What a challenging weekend for you. Ity doesn't sound like you had much time for yourself or for your program there. I can only imagine that you did not get any psychological rest at all. I know resentment for me can magnify, grow and take on great proportions and i have to monitor and work with my resentments daily or they simply take over.
I do not talk to the A about finances very much at all because it does not bode well. I work pretty hard these days on finding ways to separate out the finances. I can't even go there about the drinking and driving and craziness. I do know one of the a's friends spoke to me this week about the a's reckless driving and how he felt drained by it. I think the A remains in denial about it. I know I am not alone in my concern about it. At the same time I am not in a place yet where I can totally separate it out, take responsibilty for my part and set comprehensive limits with him on all issues, some yes, not all of them.
I can also echo the resentment that can be there about taking care of stuff when the A does nothing. Currently the A does very little in the house and I resent that he can manipulate very well on many of those issues and continues to do so. I detach from it as a way to deal with it but there are days when I would dearly like him to take far more responsibility for the housework and animal care (he does none of that either). He does deal with our dysfunctional landlord however. He does deal with some things. I would not say by any means it is a partnership though.
I can go into all or nothing thinking in a minute. I can see nothing when there is "something" there. I can see nothing when there is progress. I know for me being in al-anon is progress. I go up and down but it is nothing like the peaks and dips I used to have.
I can progress everyday. I do not know if my boyfriend will recover. Its up to him not to me and I can give him that responsibility these days to me that is progress because I do not take that on anymore I do not need to, want to or choose to anymore. I know I am and for me that means a lot of changes around me. Thank goodness they dont' all happen over night. I know also that the work I have done on my family of origin changes a lot of things. I can grieve my family of oriign. I doubt that will mean that I am ever able to share much with my two remaining sisters. I doubt that it will mean that I have many family occasions with them at all but it may mean that I have a lot less rigid or nothing feelings towards them over time. Grieving is a process for me I can't hurry it or make it up I just have to be in it and do it daily over time it does change but it is a process I have to be in with two feet rather than one.
There are some subjects I don't talk to the A about, driving, finances, shared responsibilities. They are important subjects. At some point I need to address them for me. I do not discuss them with him but I certainly think about them and the long term implications of dealing with someone who is reckless in that regard. I have had to acknowledge and look at my own recklessness in many areas too and the mess that caused for me and clean up my own mess rather than focus on the A's mess. I have my own to deal with. I do think about it and I don't like the choices I have. I can talk to him about them and argue and make it a crisis. Or I can think about my options and try to create better ones for me. Maresie.
haha)) You handled everything with diginity and grace. I'm impressed with your patience and your strong will to detach and keep the peace. I am very proud of you. Proud of your focus on living happy and a healthy life using the tools and the support help of the program in all you do each day. Hp / God Bless. ((BigHug))