The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's C2C reading is about resentments, and the way that we tend to keep them burning by re-living and "reahearsing" them to make sure that we still feel justified in the way that we have assigned blame to others and pity to ourselves. It's very liberating to realise that we actually don't have to do this. Instead, we can let go of the resentment, not because it will have any effect on the person or situation we harboured it towards, but because it brings freedom to us to be finally free from it. We can use steps 6 and 7 and ask that the resentment be removed and then move forwards, free to occupy our minds with better things.
"No man can think clearly when his fists are clenched" (George Jean Nathan)
***
I was once occupied at all times with this exact activity- reliving and reviewing my resentments and justifying my "take" on them. (Which, seen as a measure of self pity, is actually a pretty apt term!). Not only was I forever engaged in making sure i felt justified and blameless in all of my past experiences but i was also pretty determined to have others share my opinion and really wasted a lot of time telling people of these events in order to obtain their validation- "yes Mel, you were blameless and this person I have never met is really horrible". Hmm. What a sad way to occupy my mind! Although i do catch myself doing this still, from time to time, it is rare and when i do wallow in resentment I find I feel really yuk. I'm glad to know that I can ask to be freed from it and move on; what a gift.
I've come to realize that repeatedly traumatize myself by holding on to resentments. Each time I rehash, justify, create a distorted story I etch damage into my soul. I have learned that I can't afford the constant drain of energy from the effort of holding on to resentments. Also, it takes a million times more the effort to remove the resentments after they've grown into monsters. When a resentment bubbles up or rears it's ugly head, I come to the program and my HP. Letting go of resentments can feel awkward and maybe even a little wrong at first because it can feel vulnerable... but I know the freedom that follows from the unburdening of the unhealthy negativity.
Thank you for this great and very much needed reminder this morning.
-- Edited by bud on Saturday 5th of August 2017 06:36:04 AM
Good morning Ms. M, this reading is indeed a powerful reminder that holding resentments is similar to drinking poison and thinking the person we resent should be hurt. I do believe holding resentments and anger helped me to to feel powerful and in some way, my distorted thinking, convinced me that if I remembered the incident, I could protect against it and protect myself in the future.
Enter Al-Anon and I was given the steps , principles and slogans, in order to manage my feelings in a healthier manner. Holding onto anger and resentment made sure that I did not ever have a true"present moment" as I was bringing the past into each day as well, as my projecting into the future, made the current day un important .
Being determined to live in the moment, focused on myself, trusting HP, using the slogans and steps I have traveled this recovery journey for a number of years and so appreciate the wisdom of the rooms.
Like Betty, I thought keeping my resentments alive and well, I could protect myself from my A. As long as I remembered all the horrible things she had done, was doing, and was likely to repeat, I was all set. NOT SO MUCH! Over time I became sicker and sicker and all my attempts to be safe and feel better did not work at all! Alanon teaches me coping skills that promote health for me, and that is the only way to protect myself-get healthy! By having compassion, letting go and letting God, ODAT, etc., I am moving forward instead of being stuck in quicksand. Thanks for this great reminder, Lyne
This treatment for resentment is a key treasure I have learned in AlAnon. I value all the perspectives given.
I find my well-practiced resentments abated as I practiced reciting my gratitude list .
It is a relief not to invoke that poison circulating around my brain.
I was so entrenched in my resentments that it is only recently I have come to recognize I had been rotely saying forgive me my sins as I forgive those who trespass against me. Both halves of that are applicable to me now. I forgive myself for my mistakes (not really sins but still the concept works), and I look for hiding resentments. Boom - I sweep those out of my head. I look for lessons to avoid these traps next time - and now I'm grateful for the lesson each brings. (usually -- but I'm working on it)
Hi I love that quote by Norman. It is so true. I have been angry for so long that it feels strange today not to be angry. I decided to give up those old feelings of being the victim. Today I stood up for myself and it actual was liberating. Every payday my AH always spends my paycheck before it hits the bank. This time I told him NO. I will not fund anymore of his negative behavior. I did preach skittle and gave an ultimatum, but the choice is now his to make and he clearly knows where I stand. Obviously I know it really doesn't mean anything to him because he is going to do what he is going to do ,but I am getting off this ride today. Don't want to play in the sandbox anymore. Most of the time I read what others post reading your ESH. For that I am so grateful. I know I am the one who has to change and I feel myself changing daily. Sometimes I slip I am not perfect. But I know if I don't change then nothing will change for me. I am sick and tired of being broke lonely and miserable. Today that changes. Thank you all and I will keep coming back.š
Ohhhh I needed to hear this....in fact this very morning, I talked with my BFF inmy whole life who sponsors me as well and I told her about the "victim poor me" thingy re: the adopted daughter and I told her I posted HERE about it STILL, a YEAR after her last "slap mom down" thingy....
Yea, she was wrong...IS toxic.....but whose fault was it to keep being in her midst KNOWING she is what she is???? MINE!!! It was ME...hoping for change...hoping (theres that control thing again) to get her to "see the light" its not MY job to get HER to see the light....I have to accept what is...where she is at...where she is at now and is it compatible to me???? NO!! it is not!!! I've been saying to HP all day now..."Bless her...change me" and the CHANGE I need to do is let this crap go....MOVE on....Love the ones I got....Appreciate the love I got and LET IT GO and I shall because I made the conscious decision after "poor me" posts on this board about her to LET IT/HER GO....I don't want to hear from her or about her anymore and that includes ME talking about it.......I want to focus on the folks who do love and who do respect me....so my mantra today has been to "bless them----CHANGE me" and the change means, if it don't fit??? EXIT!!!!!!
thank you for reminding me of something i see in me that I do not want..do not want to feed into anymore and sincerely want to move on from!!!! Let it begin with me.....keep the focus on me.....Let go and let Creator/Universe.....Nothing changes if nothing changes and that change has to be me.......OH YEA!!! Gonna edit the posts I remember I did about her...........and I like what you said about "Yuck" I feel "Yuck" having been the "poor me" little victim...I forgive me because I am a work in progress and yea, there are times I do have to lick my wounds and vent and get it out then , if I am really walking a good path, I can let it go...but this is ridiculous...me bitching about something she did, yea,terrible, but it was a freakin year ago...and I have distanced myself....so WHAT is my problem???? I had a case of the "poor me---validate me" disease......
-- Edited by mamalioness on Saturday 5th of August 2017 03:23:18 PM
Yep, I can relate to this. So much stumbling reliving hurts. Bewildered, wanting to move on but not really knowing how. It was not until I started this programme that I had a blue print for healing. Sometimes the only way out is through and this programme is the map, companion and fuel. Thanks for your service miss m!
Thank you for your service, MissM, and for all the ESH above. This reading rings so true for me, the way I hoarded the resentments until eventually got so sick mentally and physically I was headed straight to hell, so to speak. I'm grateful today I was strong enough to say "no" to a plea from my ex-abf in order to avoid harboring yet another resentment, since I've got enough of those and its hard enough letting go of the existing ones as it is, although I'm getting better at it. Resentments are truly a poison to the soul.
