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I don't know what is going on with my husband. I don't know if his decisions are due to his alcoholism, some form of ADHD or Narcissism, but I am on the verge of a breakdown with his actions.
I'll start by saying the only reason I find anything out is because I snoop on my husband's online bank account, our phone records, his Facebook messages, his email account. He gave me his bank password because he wanted me to online deposit his check, I have full access to our phone records, I know his email password because it's the same one we use to log into our X-box, and the Facebook password I figured out on my own.
He has no money except for what he brings home each paycheck. No savings, not even a 401k because he can't be bothered to look into anything like that. Rather than help me pay for his share of the bills and mortgage, which he always says he's going to get me some money "after his account settles" from all his own bills and I never see it, he has no problem spending $60 each paycheck on pot, going to a bar and running up a huge tab and buying people drinks. The things he has done in the past week leave me speechless.
Last week he told the daughter of a friend of his who died a few years ago that he'd like to buy the speakers of his that she wanted to get rid of. I saw all this on his Facebook messages to her. He asked her how much they were and she said she'd like to sell them for $800 and he said he couldn't afford it. Then she said she'd take $500 from him to which he said he could do. Not sure how since he can't even help with bills! He keeps telling me he's going to meet her to just look at them and help price them out so she can get a good price and has no intention of buying them. Turns around and tells her that he'll meet up with her for a drink and give her some money. Well he totally forgets about their meeting and leaves her sitting at the bar until she calls and asks where he is. They make plans to meet a few days later. He keeps telling me that she keeps bugging him about money for them and he tells me that he's just going down to look at them. He ends up taking his motorcycle down to meet her, I see he took $250 out of his account to give to her. Didn't even look at the speakers. Probably won't ever pick up the speakers but will give her another $250 for them.Yet he STILL tells me he never gave her any money.
A few nights later he sent a message to a totally different person. This person is the wife of yet another friend who died a couple of years ago. This friend was someone he went to high school with and literally hadn't seen him at all after that, but kept telling me what great friends they were. So now the wife (who H has never talked to other than on Facebook) had posted some pictures of a guitar that was her husband's that she wanted to sell. H tells her that if she'll hang onto it until Sept or Oct that he'll give her $600 for it and pay for shipping (from FL to WA!)! I am so angry right now but I can't say anything because then he'll know I've been snooping! Oh but she says that the money will be a blessing! Of course, H is playing the martyr by helping out the less fortunate again because I don't think she works! $500 for speakers and $600 for a guitar, which he already has 4 of and can't play that well. He could have paid me his share of the mortgage instead seeing as how he hasn't paid his share of that for the past two months! Then when we go out he makes a big deal about how he bought dinner so I should buy drinks. Oh really! Gee you don't see me ever saying, "Well I paid the $1200 mortgage on my own the last two months, not to mention every bill we share, maybe you could buy the drinks".
And god forbid I get angry at him for what he's doing because "they belonged to his good friend and how could I deny him that"?! I'd be a horrible person! And he'll say that he's doing a good deed by helping his friend's daughter and the other friend's wife. You know, each of these people are in their 30s and 40s. You DON'T need to be helping them!
Then last night he tells me"Oh by the way, (his 19 yr old daughter) is coming up on the 15th so you'll have to pick her up at the train station because I'll be going to the concert with my coworker right after work". Great! I love it when I basically get ordered to do something with or for his daughter. He hasn't even told her that he's not going to be around that night! He asked her to come up for a concert, just happened to be the night after this other concert, and he hasn't seen her for 10 months but isn't going to be around that night at all anyways. Nor has he verified that her friend is coming with because I said to him "Well is she coming by herself then if she's taking the train?" He pauses and goes "Well I haven't heard any differently that her friend ISN'T coming".
Then HE brought up out of nowhere last week that this Foreigner cover band with a guy he knows is playing a free concert up at the casino that is 10 minutes away and said that we could go to that. Same place we went to see the Journey cover band a month ago. I ask him on Monday if he still wants to go and he says yes. I send him a message on Wednesday asking if he's going to take off work a little early so he doesn't have to rush home to go to the band and he says yes. I ask him last night after he gets home if he is leaving early today and he goes "I don't know. Why?" Um, the band that we've been talking about for the past week!!! He literally answers me like he never told me yes earlier with "Oh I don't want to go to that. I don't like that whole casino scene". Why do I get my hopes up to do ANYTHING with him! Even when he comes up with the idea, a few days later it's like he never said it!
I am losing my mind over the things he is doing!! The lies, making plans and getting my hopes up and then deciding not to do them or never making plans with his daughter and then telling me I have to do something because he won't be around but she's free to come up whenever she wants and stay as long as she wants even though I'm the one who has to deal with her most of the time because he's working or whatever.
You seem very stuck in where you are at ... did you go to a meeting .. did you do something different or is this the same story with the situations varied?? Nothing changed until I got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I remember my first meeting in which someone told me to get up off the floor if I didn't like being a doormat and to unglue the seat from my pity party. That is how I operate and what I needed to hear in the moment to shock me out of my victim role .. he does this .. he does that .. I have come to realize within the program .. I cause my own pain .. which is an awesome way to say . I offer my own solution. Guess what happened after that meeting? I was so pissed OMGOSH .. I was furious for the first time not at my parents or my AH at the time .. I was mad at the woman who had the audacity to call me out. Best medicine I ever got .. I got up off the floor and started to think about what did I want, what were my choices and how I was going to be willing to change.
I'm sure someone will offer the same as what I am saying from a more compassionate point of view .. however . until something changes nothing will change .. you can post, cry the "hims" and so on and nothing is going to change .. why should it? He does what he does because he's an alcoholic .. what has changed for you?? NOTHING!? I really go back to the original post weeks ago and I believe you received the same advice years ago ... go to a meeting .. get a sponsor and work the steps .. NO ONE CAN DO THE WORK FOR YOU .. get some help for yourself and stop obsessing about the addict.
Keep coming back because sometimes quickly some times slowly things change .. I changed and that was what made the difference in my situation.
Big hugs,
S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
No I haven't gone to any meetings. I just wallow in my own unhappiness, I guess. But what is going to a meeting going to do when it is HIS behavior that is driving me crazy? I can't separate myself from that. If he tells me we are going to do something, I can't believe him. I can't ever get excited about doing something, because 9 times out of ten he won't end up doing it.
Honestly, when I read your post I thought it was your first one. I see you have posted prior to this so I'm sure someone suggested getting to face to face Alanon along with coming here. Listen... I hear your frustration loud and clear but please try to keep in mind that your husband's mind is not a rational one because it flooded with alcohol. My ex would have such clear thinking at times I tricked myself into believing I could expect him to keep plans and his word. Although some of the times he lied to me we both knew he had, there were other times he had no recall due to his disease.
I had a "hero" in the house too. And no, I'm not talking about myself as an Alanon trying to save him from himself although that was true too. I'm talking about the husband who always found time to save the day for others while I was left on the sidelines to watch it. And ya know what, I let him know about it every time. I did deserve more. You do too. But we call this "Going to the hardware store for bread" in Alanon. You just aren't going to get what you came for if you go there. You might say why not he has it to give to other people who don't even know him who don't love him like his family does. At least that is what I use to say to myself. It just didn't make sense. It makes more sense to me today. I think my ex got a lot of mileage from other people that didn't know him well helping him to feel like a "good guy" when inwardly he didn't feel like that about himself. Ya know they didn't live with him 24/7 in an insane household. He just may have needed those ego boosts to believe he wasn't such a "bad guy" after all. My ex had no self love.
I wished I'd found Alanon sooner. I'm sure I would have still felt the sting of abandonment by him (his disease) but if I knew more about alcoholism and how it shows itself through some pretty irrational behaviors, I likely would not have taken it as personally or felt as lonely due to having lots of in person support and comfort from others in the program. I would have made more of my own plans rather than waiting for my ex to be the other half of a couple with me. It's just the nature of the disease of alcoholism - unpredictable.. sometimes they show up for us and sometimes they don't. The more I waited for him to be what I wanted him to be the more resentful I became. And you know what? He didn't understand what I was so angry about it. Again.. alcoholism. We're powerless over it but not over our ability to take care of ourselves while living with it, make plans and live our own lives to the fullest. I'm not saying the feelings of disappointment have gone away entirely for me today but the sting is nowhere near as intense when I use the Alanon tools and seek people in the rooms for support. (((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
Mapper, my heart goes out to you. So very much. I feel for all that you are going through, because I've been there. That said, there is so much in your post, I hesitate because I don't know where to start. You seem and sound like you are so focused and immersed with him. You are stuck looking at him, watching him, focusing on him, being angry at him, finding fault and blame with him, and so on. And, I get it. I was there. I did the same and more. Regardless, you are entrenched in him and everything about him -- what he says, does, where he goes, how he behaves, everything he does wrong, his intentions, his faults, and so on and so on. This, ultimately, is part of the problem -- your problem -- and at a certain point, our problem becomes a sickness. For me, my experience, when the same things were happening in my life, with my wife, I was talking, sounding, focusing, etc., just like you are now. I was so wrapped up in all of it, the day to day things she was doing, saying, and they became the sole focus on my day. They became my trials and tribulations. They became my drama, chaos, and turmoil. Look at your role in all of this, your contribution. You also sound so wrapped up in the anger and resentment for and around him, what he's doing, what he says, etc. My wife was not my problem. What she was doing was not my problem. It was my reactions to what she was doing that was my problem! It was that I allowed all of what she was doing to negatively impact me and consume me...that was my problem! I was the problem...and therefore I had to be the solution.
So, here is my perspective, and my experience, and what I learned...you are not losing your mind over the the things he is doing, the things he is saying, the lies, the behavior...no, you are not losing your mind over any of that. What you are losing your mind over is how you are letting all of those things impact you. There is a massive difference between the two, and they are completely separate and distinct. Why? Because he is going to do what he is going to do. Period. And there's nothing you can do about that. You can keep trying, but all of those efforts will fail. You cannot control the alcoholic and his/her drinking, you did not cause it, and you cannot cure it. Period. So, he will do what he will do, and there's nothing you can do about it. Separate and distinct from that -- if you allow those things to impact you, if you participate, contribute, play a role in all of that, then you will lose your mind. Your post says that you are -- and how you are reacting to all of those things is why you are losing your mind. NOTHING CHANGES IF NOTHING CHANGES. If you do not change, if you do not make changes in your actions, reactions, behavior, thinking, etc. -- then none of this will change.
So what do you do? Focus on YOU. Work on YOU. Start doing the work. Go to face to face meetings, as many as you can. Think about going to meetings instead of going out for drinks with him. One thing I did -- my wife was an alcoholic -- and I made a decision, and set boundaries, and I did not buy her drinks. Anyway, back to meetings...Find a sponsor. Start doing the work for YOU to get better. That has nothing to do with whether or not he gets better. YOU. I am talking about YOU. Acceptance. Immerse yourself with your sponsor in acceptance. Enabling, learn, understand, look at your role in all of this and make change. Detachment, both emotional and physical, which will also help you make changes in your thinking and reactions.
Keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Friday 4th of August 2017 01:29:13 PM
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((Mapper))) - so very sorry that the disease is driving you a bit crazy. All that you describe is/was me before committing to the Al-Anon program. I snooped, I armed myself with information that I could do nothing with but obsess. I counted on others who were not willing/not able to be what I wanted/needed them to be.
What Al-Anon will help you with is to understand that a person with alcoholism is a sick person. You can't make them well nor can you expect them to change until/unless they are willing. We learn to stop focusing on what they are/are not doing and put ourselves first. We learn how to detach and we learn how to create boundaries, find our own joy, make Plan B(s) and C(s) all with loving support from others who truly understand!
The disease is considered a family disease because it reaches well beyond the drinker and affects most, if not all who live with or love them. We don't even know that there is joy and happiness waiting for us as we are so bogged down with the behaviors, words, deeds of others. For me and my journey, I found what I needed to recover in Al-Anon. Before that, I was on an endless loop of anger, disappointment, hope, resignation, disappointment, anger, sadness, etc. It now seems like it was a perpetual cycle of emotional chaos - and I no longer reside there.
There is hope and help in recovery - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Like others have said, I have been in similar states of mind in reaction to my partner's behaviors. In brief, I'll say this: he is living his life. You are reacting to his behavior. His behavior is impacting you. So now what? Over the past few years, I tried to detach... in my own home... I tried to remind myself "live and let live". I learned that when I tried to support him in terms of sobriety, it backfired. So I tried to step back. I certainly did not always succeed at stepping back, but I tried. But it affected me - I could feel my blood pressure rising, I could feel my tension, I could feel my anxiety about what would happen next. I could feel my judgment and my frustration that he wasn't behaving in ways I thought were healthy or functional. I knew what was good for him, and he would not cooperate!
In my case, the behavior escalated to the point where I decided I can't do it any more. I can't live with him. I am extremely sad, but I am claiming some space and peace for myself.
I have a friend in al-anon who is married to an active alcoholic. She decided to stay and she detaches and works her program and she is, for the most part, happy. She has an understanding with her husband and she's making it work for her. She came into program in distress; now she is content with her life.
So... I understand that his behavior is driving you crazy. But what is within your power? If all you can change is yourself, and you're powerless to change his ways, then what? That is what this program is for.
Hey Mapper welcome to the board. This is an al anon board and so we go to Al Anon meetings to learn the tools to help ourselves who are frustrated by living with alcoholism. I would encourage you to go it definitely can't be worse than just wallowing around in your own unhappiness (as you said earlier).
Living with an active alcoholic is difficult for most of us. You are not alone and at a meeting you will find people who have been in similar situations. The situation you described with the concert/cover band sounds very similar to my life with my AH before I came to Al Anon. When my AH drinks he's a big talker and kind of a different person. He talks about doing things when he's drunk all the time that he has no recollection of after the fact. Or has no intention of doing the next morning. For a period of time my AH would get drunk and talk about moving back to our old smaller town. He talked about it so much that I decided to start looking for jobs there because it seemed like we were going to move. Then one day I got a phone interview for a job there and I told him all about it. He was so perplexed he couldn't understand why I thought we would be moving so soon and without having discussed it. The Al Anon program has helped me realize that you cant' reason with someone when they are drunk and unfortunately you can't believe the things the person tell you when they are drunk.
I've learned from the program how to make my own life happy. How to set boundaries with my AH and how to adjust my plans if things don't go my way. It has helped me increase my own happiness. I don't have to live my life according to what my AH does I live my life for me now.
We all utilize and work the al anon program so if you do attend meetings and learn the program this board can be a really positive addition to your support system. I hope you find a meeting and consider attending.
Mapper, I feel for you...I really do. You haven't gone to any meetings, you say you just wallow in your own unhappiness (you guess), and you ask what is going to a meeting going to do when it is his behavior that is driving you crazy. Mapper, nothing changes if nothing changes. His behavior does not have to drive you crazy. Right now, you feel like you have no choice, like it will just drive you crazy and there's nothing you can do about it. But, you can. It is your choice. Right now, and you just can't see this...by doing nothing -- nothing for YOU -- you are allowing his behavior to drive you crazy. Nothing changes if nothing changes and the only think you can change is YOU. It is your choice.
You can and should start going to meetings. Find a sponsor. And start doing the work to get better.
This is not about him and his behavior, what he does, says, where he goes, money, 401k, etc. -- this is about YOU. Start with YOU.
Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
He got into an accident on his motorcycle on Friday night. He was coming home from work, he hadn't had anything to drink and a car turned left from the right lane and he t-boned them. Not his fault. He just ended up with some knee abrasions and a cracked bone in his foot. The worst part is I had my phone on silent from work and didn't check it at all because I rarely get phone calls. When he was about 30 minutes late I finally check the phone and see 4 voicemails which sent my heart racing. He was taken in an ambulance to the ER where I met him. So much for our anniversary weekend dinner out we had planned.
2 years ago he had two much worse wrecks on his motorcycle, although this time it was on the race track. The first one in May of 2015 where he ended up with cracked ribs and sternum and a night in the hospital. Then in September of 2015 the really bad one happened where his throttle stuck and he hit a cement barrier at high speed. Broken ribs, sternum, punctured lung and he was airlifted to the hospital where he spent 5 days. I wasn't even there when it happened and was 2000 miles away visiting my mom. I once again didn't know until I got a voicemail. I was frantic and scared and wasn't even going to be back home for 3 days. He told me to stay where I was and he was okay.
All these accidents were him not drinking but they have just added to my stress with him. I am constantly stressed out not knowing if he's okay, if he's going to be in a bad mood when he gets home from work or a great mood. If I can ever count on him to follow through on doing things or not. He was so apologetic this past weekend knowing I was upset from the accident. Grateful I was there to do things for him when he couldn't get around. My third time being his nursemaid. The thing is, I do so much for him, I keep the house clean, the bills paid, the groceries bought, the yardwork done, I just want to have some things done for me and I don't get that. He'll make dinner for me and then make it sound like I should get on my knees and thank him for it. I don't get thanked when I pay the entire mortgage every month because you can't afford to help.
Hugs, (((Mapper))), I can identify easily with most of the feelings you have - resentment about being the caretaker, the responsible one, the constant worry of what is going on with him etc. It drove me crazy, exhausted, defeated. But he is going to change only when and if he wants to. One of the gifts of Alanon is prodding us affected to do what we can and change our attitudes and actions. I hoped for years my ex-abf will become the partner I want/need if only I will be good enough, cook well enough and speak nicely enough etc. But it just didn't work. I could not change him, and Alanon helped me see that. I wondered as well at first how would working on me help to resolve the craziness in my home, but I was at such a miserable state I was willing to try out this program anyway. One of the most basic things this program did and still does for me is the proof that I'm not alone in this and hearing how others have handled problems that often are the same or similar to mine, what worked for others, I could try myself, because my methods pre-Alanon didn't give me any long-term relief. Take what you want and leave the rest and keep coming back :)
(((Mapper))) I'm so sorry to hear of this. I'm glad that he's (relatively) ok.
All I can think of to say is this: (1) I learned that I couldn't always tell when my partner was drinking. In fact, most often I had no idea. The secrecy and lies around alcohol and pills were massive. (2) Living with the kind of behavior you describe is incredibly stressful. I didn't even realize how stressed and tense I was until I went away for a couple days and stepped away from my regular life. Suddenly my chronic back pain that was with me for over a year - really bad - lifted. I'm sharing this because I know it's very lonely to live in a relationship with these issues. It's lonely and frustrating to be the sober, responsible, adult one, wishing for some capable and/or caring behavior to come in your direction. And even though it took me some time to warm up to the program of al-anon - as soon as I attended a meeting, I saw that the people in that room understood. They had been there. In all kinds of ways, with people they loved. I was overwhelmed and sad and scared, but I felt a little better to be around people who had been through all KINDS of difficulty and were working to improve their lives, their health, their relationships. I was sort of mystified but I felt a little lighter at the end of a meeting. It made me more compassionate for myself AND for him. It was a first step. (3) I also find great comfort and healing (and wisdom) in books. There are so many. They are not a substitute for meetings and action, but they can be a start to stepping back and reflecting on what is happening and what is possible.
So sorry this all is happening. I do agree that my A got into a lot of trouble when he supposedly "wasn't drinking" - and it turned out he was.
But as for meetings. The thing is that the whole syndrome of alcoholism distorts thought processes. They think they're okay to drive (for example) because they don't realize how impaired they are. And their weird thinking starts to infect everyone around them. Pretty soon our own thinking is distorted and we don't even realize it. Everyone gets sucked into the chaos. Meetings help give us tools to get perspective and to cope with their crazy behavior. To keep our balance when they're doing crazy things. There are ways to cope with it that will change the whole dynamic. I do urge you to try out a meeting. The standard advice is to try 6 because they're all different. They can make such a difference. Hope you'll keep coming back here too. Hugs!
I get it. I "was you" until I FINALLY decided I was done. I had said it 10,000 time (to anyone who would listen)...thus to everyone else I was insane and he was the PERFECT man...great looking, always doing for others, always donating money (which was mostly mine)...and I bitched. Sorry for the bluntness, but that is what I did...year after year, to everyone who was within ears reach...but especially at him! That was me. I was so incredibly unhappy and so very lonely. He didn't care what I did and, since he wanted to look so good anyway, he never minded me buying extravagant jewelry and telling everyone who would listen that he had bought it..wasn't he so wonderful???
So, I looked insane...because I was insane and I finally got sick and tired of it. I won't go in to the whole story of his "bottom" (at least as far as I know) again because I have told it several times before. What I will go in to is that I couldn't live like that anymore.
So, now he is 28 months sober, has had several MAJOR promotions, but on Friday, when he got "the call" about an unexpected promotion which requires some serious changes in our lives, he asked for five minutes before he gave his decision, because he needed to call his wife, because he promised, and he did. He asked for my support and how I felt and I told him I love him and will always support him. He told me he could not do it without me. Then, he called the person back and accepted the position. Wow! If you had told me 3 years ago that he could ever care how I felt about anything, I would have said you were crazy...I didn't matter. It was only how it looked to others! Before even coming home (he traveled every week), he went to a meeting. He didn't share his "success" with anyone except his sponsor and last night his sponsor insisted he share it with the group and be proud of his accomplishments.
What I am saying is that you have to be sick of it enough to get out of his way and let him fall on his face. He will...of that you can be sure. You have to stop begging for his attention so that he can appreciate your worth. I'm not speaking literally here, but metaphorically. I do not accuse you of begging for anything. I did though, literally and I griped and complained and cried and yelled and whatever else you can imagine. I did it all. Nothing worked until I finally realized I had no, absolutely no, control over anything he did, said, wanted, didn't want, or anything else. They are addicted to alcohol and we are addicted to them, but the outside world just sees them as the good guys and us as the looney toons. I was the classic example of "if I had a wife like her, I would drink too). I felt hated by the world..and I think I was.
I have never been to a meeting with him because he doesn't want me there. It took a long time to loose the jealousy and to stop snooping. I promise you this...if you look hard enough, you will always find something. Of course, you may interpret it in a completely different way than it was intended, but you will find something.
It is hard work, but AlAnon can help. I get where you are, but I also know where you can go if you just stop the Merry Go Round and get off. Do your own thing and stop depending on him. He is an alcoholic and because of that fact, he is not dependable. Unless he gets himself into a program and really does the work (and that is a hard thing to go through as a couple because it's almost like they go back to the age they started drinking and hit fast forward in the growing up stages), then your marriage will never be what you want. And, even if he quits drinking, and works his program, you will have to do a lot of work on yourself in order to make your marriage stable and happy.
Of course, it is all in your hands...you just don't yet realize it. Al-Anon can give you the tools to get control of yourself and he will have to handle him. It's worth a try because nothing has worked so far, has it?
With loving support and heartfelt compassion.....know that we all care!!!
Beautiful share, Doingmybest! Thank you so much. Although I can't picture my AH ever reaching for recovery, I can only live in today and have no idea what will be revealed. Your share was so inspiring to me.
I agree with El above me - great share Doingmybest! I've had 'one of those days' where I truly needed some hope and perspective interjected into my thinking - voila.....I found your post! Great, great way of explaining how it works!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you guys!! I just wanted to tell the truth and be honest. I'm glad my ramblings have helped! Sometimes, it helps me most just to write it out...because it makes me remember. I never want to completely forget because I never want too live that way again'. Never!!
Mapper this cycle, rounds and rounds of the same misery will never change until YOU do....and the meetings??? it will help you address YOUR behavior and YOUR thinking and YOUR sickness...there isn't a thing you can do about his behavior.....until you accept steps 1,2,3, in their entirety and work on step 4 to figure out WHY you are punishing yourself with NOT using the tools that can free you, this cycle will go on and on and on and you will sentence yourself to a "life sentence" of this misery....I was there...I was in the SAME crap hole you are in until I just said "thats it!! I'm done" and i didn't even know about alanon yet, I just bit the bullet, fears and all and I began to focus on ME and ONLY me..!!!! I see your post is just full of being obsessed with him......You have everything you need, right here, at your taking.....the meetings..fellowshipiing with other, healthier folks who will help you get free of this....the steps to help you think and respond better....its RIGHT HERE.......at the meetings, surely you can find a sponsor to guide you with the steps.....there is no such thing as "i can't separate myself" you CAN and I remember you posting about this some time ago...and it makes me sad to see a human being not making the choices to save themselves from this misery...I do hope you will get to the point where you reach out to the meetings and teh steps and find a sponsor or recovery partner to WORK ON YOU..Whether you stay with him or not, if you thought of yourself as much as you do him, you would see what we are saying......I am sorry that your still hurting....I guess when the pain gets bad enough, you WILL reach out...I had to be beaten down so bad before I finally saw that I would not "make it" if I did't change me and so I did...I would go from bad relationship and bad jobs , on and on till I realized that , yea, removing myself from the man or job was step 1, but I needed MORE...I needed the program to show me a better way of thinking, acting, taking care of me, so I didn't just go from one crappy situation to another....I went to as many meetings as days in the week...every day because I was "DONE with being sick and drawing bad or sick situations and people to me" I had had it!!! I wish to God I knew about this program WAY back...I could have saved me a lot of years of pain.........the best thing I did was get help....and this is FREE.....its your choice....Al-anon offers you a way out but you gotta accept it and receive it.......I wish you well in this...Honestly I do!!!
