Hi all. I was at my meeting today, but didn't share about my last big enabling thing, just didn't feel up to it, because honestly I'm ashamed about this almost more than about anything else at the moment. I have reduced enabling my ex-abf drastically during the last year or so, but I still spend quite a lot of money on him, although we have separated and don't live together anymore. Yeah... I estimate its around 1/4 of my salary... The progress I've made recently is that I don't give him any cash anymore, but I still buy food and cigarettes occasionally, and have paid for some things, like internet connection. Now that he's my ex, it really makes no sense for me to be spending so much money on him (I guess it didn't make much sense before also), yet I do, its always something, always urgent, always so logical that I should spend money. I am resentful about this yet I realize I'm the only one who is doing this to me by agreeing to do what I resent... I feel I really need to get rid of this resentment, as its prone to poisoning my peace of mind. I realize this is once again my fear of his reaction and blaming, and fear of him thinking badly of me. I have overcome a few large enabling things, and it was so so hard, yet so so necessary and a blessing in the end. And also healthier for him, although he may not think so. I realize this is just like those times. So, while I still continue to shoot myself in the foot with this, I'm still making slow baby step progress, but the way I do it somehow seems cowardly?... Like I wrote before, I stopped giving him cash a couple of weeks or so ago... I mean, I feel as if I'm trying to wean him off, slowly and slyly, from counting on me regarding money. It kind of feels like manipulating, like I should just be straightforward. But I can't, not now, anyway. I am trying to protect myself in this way, and this baby step helped me some, because at least now I'm sure no money from my purse finds its way DIRECTLY to alcohol (indirectly - still does, of course). Still, it feels like this is the wrong approach. And I suppose it may not work like I would like it to, anyway, and probably won't, in long term. I suppose I just haven't become sick and tired of this... Today ex-abf called me with another totally logical request for money. He's due to receive a very heavy shipment tomorrow by the courier, and I guess the driver does not normally carry heavy loads to the apartment, instead, the receiver carries it wherever from the van. So he tells me he really needs to have some cash to pay for the driver so that he would carry the super heavy (really) equipment upstairs. My ex-abf's hands are still badly bitten and scratched, with big blue patches after the unexpected attack by his cat (it really is bad, I haven't seen damage from a cat this extensive), so I really do believe he can't carry the item. When he called I told him I really have need for my money, that I need it for this and that, that I have spent enough money on him as it is - basically, I was justifying why I want the money I earn... I did manage to EXPLAIN and JUSTIFY in a totally nonjudgmental way at least... I told him to please think about getting the cash somewhere else. Well, if he doesn't, and asks for money tomorrow, I don't think I'll be able to refuse again, because otherwise he will make it out like I want him to experience terrible pain (the damaged hands). I know I'm projecting, but this is lately his go-to method. ... I'm not gonna worry much about this today, though. I don't know yet how to stop enabling him with money yet. I can't yet let go, and let god on this, I can't let go of the consequences (which I predict)... But somewhere in the Alanon literature it is said that we are as sick as our secrets, so maybe being open here about this will help me... I'm gonna try to muster the courage to talk about this at the next meeting as well... Thanks for reading.