The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about denial and learning how to face the reality of the past without placing blame or wallowing in self-pity but instead to learn from it.
Today's reminder --- There is much to learn from the past, but I cannot allow past hurts to smolder and destroy today. Instead, I can ask my Higher Power to help me use my experiences to move forward to make healthier, more loving choices than ever before.
Today's quote from Aldous Huxley --- "Experience is not what happens to you, it is what you do with what happens to you."
Many of us are affected by denial, a huge symptom of this family disease called alcoholism. Often, we first deny there is an alcoholic and then we often deny our part, our insanity and/or our need for recovery.
Often times, when we are new to recovery and we determine alcoholism has affected us and/or our family, the past becomes the topic of all conversations. We need others who've been working recovery longer to point out how easy it can be to lose perspective, feel trapped, and to stop living in the present. Unlocking the secrets of the past offer gifts to us in recovery and we learn to look there, learn from it but not to stare or stay there.
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When I came, I wasn't happy to be here....I felt others needed to fix their behaviors, and then all would be well. I struggled to believe and see any part I played. It took a while for me to embrace the disease, the denial as well as my part. As I practiced the program, I learned how to view the past as opportunities to learn instead of 'bad events'. I also am able to accept it is done and can't be changed and dwelling on it keeps me insane.
Stepping beyond the acceptance, the program gives us to tools to forgive, grow and expand well beyond any past event that held us down. Spending time talking, discussing, blame, shaming others is not a healthy behavior in recovery. I do much, much better with my spiritual condition when I can see it for what it is/was and let it go. I no longer want to be held down or insanely affected by events that can't be changed. My joy, peace and serenity wait for me in the here and now!! So grateful Al-Anon showed me this in members who work the program as well as gave me the tools to practice and arrive today.
Happy Thursday all - off to the Doctor with my friend with cancer and then lunch. Have softball tonight - 4 games - weather permitting! Had the little guys spend the night so hoping for a nap between lunch and softball....wish everyone a super day!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you, IAH for today's message. I am one who loves to look over my shoulder at the past to confirm troubles in the present. I have been asked many times in my previous marriage and current one why I always have to bring up old fights, comments and behaviors! It has finally sunk in that this is a character flaw of mine and one I need to work on with HP and program tools.
Good Morning IAh-- Great topic!! I know that prior to program, I did not have constructive tools to live my life by , so that I reverted to denial and pretend as my go to responses.
Entering Al-Anon, it was suggested that I examine my motives, stop pointing fingers of blame and criticism at others and keep coming back. That was a big order and one that took me a few years to embrace. I love that Al-Anon's principles suggest that change is a process and to keep coming back and so I did. I was also urged to let go of gossip and sarcasm andto embrace the Al-Anon principles of treating everyone with courtesy and respect and to focus on myself.
Learning from my painful experiences happened when I worked the fourth through 10th step. Owning my part in each situation, delivered me from victimhood and provided the lessons that I needed to learn about living life on life's terms.
I guess I learned to grow up in Al-Anon rooms, and I'm still doing so. Thanks for your service and have a grand day
Hi IAH and thank you for your service.
Denial was my survival technique I learned in my family of origin to cope with living with the insanity of the disease. Denial of a problem to begin with, denial of my real feelings about things that happened, denial that I was affected by other people's drinking. Denial was strong with me and it protected me in some ways of not having to face something I had no tools or support to face. It also hurt me because I never really validated my own feelings. Once I came to Al Anon I learned tools, had friends and support to look at the past and the present. Coming out of denial was a slow process and it's something I can slip into easily when stressed. thanks for sharing.
Denial of the situation was never a big deal for me. Denial of my own thoughts and emotions was.
As a kid I was a great observer. Seeing the outcome of lengthy drinking sessions, I concluded they could only be drinking some sort of poison! I could not understand why- at a certain age- I would be expected to do the same thing!
I was the sort of kid who fitted the bill- for the story about The Emperor's New Clothes. Until I reached my teens I spent time in other people's homes- and had childhood friends. One friend lived over the river from us. I recall lying in bed there and hearin ghis mum and dad come to bed. And the hum and murmur of voices as they talked... I really did want parents like that!
Around the idea of denial I put- deny-minimise-accept. The accept bit I found in the serenity prayer. I learned in Alanon that life had not dealt me a bad hand of cards because I was a bad person- that I was not deserving of anything better. I had learned to play the local game of euchre. With a stratagem, even with low denomination I could still win a hand or two.
And to get into a game changer too, in the end. I did not ever want to be a spoilsport, or a wowser. I wanted a world where kids got looked after, had fun sometimes, and lived with some sort of hope. Alanon became my family for a while, when i needed support... and it got me by... thanks...
for a LONG time I had to live in denial , living at the FOO as a child and going through the darkness that I had to endure...."oh he loves me but is just kinda over affectionate" "Oh he does this to me because I am special" oh yea, the denial because to accept that kind of evil, would have destroyed me as I was a child who HAD to know her provider was protecting and caring and taking care of her....HOW could I accept that my own provider whom I was dependent on for LIFE, how could I accept that he was evil and destructive and killing me spiritually by the day....and when SHE turned on me, i had to deny AGAIN, "oh she isn't mad at me, shes just hungover" or whatever tool of denial i had to use to cope with my impossible situation..
When I first came forward about the abuse, I told my cousin...She put her arms around me and we both cried!! she asked me "WHY didn't you tell MY mom????" I told her that if my own mother would turn on me, how the hell was I to feel safe telling anyone else???? the fear of being rejected was so powerful, I lived in denial....then I told my AH#2..not #1, he was not trustworthy with info like that, but AH#2 was...I told him...He broke down and cried and told me about how his brothers gang attacked him....I was the first one he told b/c I trusted and told HIM, he trusted and told me....our FIRST baby steps into recovery occurred that day....we told and we were BELIEVED....our next steps was to get ,(he was in the navy so mental health help was available) I went to a nurse psychologist who was a male , go figure, but he was GOOD...he started me on anger management and getting it out....later on when my AH#2 and I separated, i got into 12 steps and NO MORE DENIAL and it felt GREAT....to "come clean" without being attacked....I had to separate from most of my FOO because I wanted the truth and reality and they wanted to stay in denial....my now deceased sister towards the end, wanted out of denial and we finally talked about it and she believed me and accepted the truth....How freeing it is to get out of denial
back then, tho, denial served a very good purpose..it was my "bandage" to cover my massive wounds and it was my "go to" place when things got so out of control, I was overwhelmed and experiencing numbing and shutting down, denial kept me afloat until I was able , mentally, and old enough and ready to face the god awful truth and the pain that went with it....I remember my first time I really really cried...yea, I cried with my cousin and AH#2, but not like I did when i got into al-anon and aca....i REALLY cried then...I'm talking all night long until I dehydrated it was so intense, but omg...from that day forward, i began to inch towards feeling better and i mean it was by the inch
Now I reverse the evil by helping others and comforting those who are recovering from abusive situations and still blame themselves for the abuse...lots of times I thought "there has to be something wrong with me for this to have happened---some weakness or vulnerability" but really?? there was NEVER anything wrong with me....but there WAS something terribly wrong with what happened to me....
I won't let myself perpetuate the darkness...I do what I can to reverse it..to bring light rather than the darkness...to bring hope rather then despair...I bring love rather then hate.....the buck stops with me..I can' do anything about my past but learn from it and do what I can to take care of me and to bring my experience, strength and hope to others...I use my experience to validate others who have suffered the most cruel of fates by their own families...I do my best to help others feel good about who and what they are......I can't erase the ugly, dark past, but I CAN bring love and light into my present and my future.....
thank you for this post....denial is a big thing for me because I had to employ it to survive my impossible situations...I had to use it to stay alive , mentally...Now I don't...Now I thirst for the truth, reality and what REALLY is..even if it hurts...give me the truth and reality and what really IS....for me it is the only way to live....but yea, as an emergency tool,denial can keep one afloat until they are ready to "deal and heal" Just saying
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thanks...