The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A couple weeks ago my AW had me look at a new red/purple mark that had appeared on her breast. It's an odd pattern and just a bit bigger than a quarter. Obviously not normal and I urged her to make an appointment with the physician. I'm not too worried yet. She does have an immune disease which results in all sorts of rashes, break outs and marks. She hasn't had something like this before but it's most likely just the newest symptom of her ongoing problem. But due to her family history of breast cancer the most prudent thing to do is to get this checked.
She hasn't. I made the suggestion once and asked a couple times since if she had made the appointment. It is not my place to make her but I'm baffled. She was acting strangely when she brought it up and when I asked later I could sense something is off. I don't want to take her inventory so I'm just chalking it up to her being scared. But she goes to the doctor and has various tests all the time. And she was upset when her mother had breast cancer years back and kept asking us what her red mark might be and we kept telling her to go talk to the doctor. Now it seems my AW is doing the same thing.
I feel like I should continue gently encouraging her to go get seen. Suggestions?
Oh boy .. that's a tough one because I usually go with the standard .. I can suggest something or discuss something one time and then I'm kind of out of it .. meaning I say what I mean .. mean what I say however I can't "make" a grown adult go to the Dr. Then I have to look at my control issues .. I might phrase it like I am concerned about that mark and it sounds like you are as well .. why don't you make an appointment and put both of us at ease over this wonky mark. Finesse it better than that .. lol .. however once I make that statement I gotta let it go. Or even honey is there a reason you won't make the appointment? How can I help you without making the appointment for you.
I have a girlfriend who's brother was an addict and refused to address an abscess on his nose. Well this went on for years literally .. there were some other issues however the bigger one was he just refused to address it. Guess what not to be gross however his nose rotted off his face and yes .. it was cancer. He passed away .. I don't know why some people are hell bent on destroying themselves, however some people are his family tried and tried to get him into the Dr and he refused .. the Dr who was treating their dad for cancer offered to look at this while he was there with his dad and again .. he refused .. maybe it's a level of self hatred or another form of punishment .. I don't know not my call.
At some point the answer becomes you have to allow people to act for themselves even if it's in their own worst interest and I might be alone in my thought process .. one thing Alanon has taught me I can carry a torch so far .. someone else's fire is theirs to light and I have to allow them the grace and dignity to figure that out. I do apologize if that sounds cold .. we are not talking about a child .. we are talking about a grown adult. Unless you are planning on taking over power of attorney from her and treating her like a child then I don't see this as any different than alcoholism issues .. you can take someone to an AA meeting you can't make them be sober.
Hugs S
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I'm pretty much with you Serenity. Usually should say it once, maybe twice to make sure you're clear and then let the person make their choice. This is something I've been able to do even though I'm still new in the program. But this seems a bit different, but maybe it's not. Self-neglect and the disease certainly go together. But, when it comes to other things she's not really like that hence my confusion. She does take care of herself. She takes good care of family and home.
But something is off. I don't know what and I'm not sure if it will do any good to push the issue.
((Westman)) I would simply restate that i love her and am concerned about her health and would like for her to make the an appointment asap and offer to go with her for support. Then I would let it go. Sending positive thoughts and prayers on the way
For me, my experience, etc. -- I would gently, softly, and very delicately reiterate that you love her, care about her, and care about her health and well-being. Check your motives and try to not be passive aggressive, trying to control, fix, force, or directly take this on. Be there for her, in a healthy and supportive way -- healthy and supportive for and to her, and for you as well. And, you can "state" -- if you'd like to make the appointment, I am here for you, always, and will go with you and be there for you.
You have strong program, and you know how to be healthy in and around this. Check your motives and be sincere, authentic, loving and supportive.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I go with what everyone else here says...make sure you say you love her and that a Dr. Appt. would put you both at ease and 'hey if you want me to go with you?? I'll go" and then let it go...Sending healing and positive energy....
Westman - sending prayers and positive thoughts your way....I could easily be 'your wife' - I am one of the worst when it comes to going to the doctor for something that is ailing me. I can give you a millions reasons from my head as to why, but it truly boils down to fear. I never can seem to get there, get through what brought me and have it be normal. There is always something else that keeps me returning!! I am fanatical about my fitness and reasonably good with my nutrition yet I can sit in denial over anything else that shows up, unexpected.
I'm with the others, use I statements and offer support and then let it go....(((hugs))) for you both!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Westman - sending prayers and positive thoughts your way....I could easily be 'your wife' - I am one of the worst when it comes to going to the doctor for something that is ailing me. I can give you a millions reasons from my head as to why, but it truly boils down to fear. I never can seem to get there, get through what brought me and have it be normal. There is always something else that keeps me returning!! I am fanatical about my fitness and reasonably good with my nutrition yet I can sit in denial over anything else that shows up, unexpected.
I'm with the others, use I statements and offer support and then let it go....(((hugs))) for you both!
But, she goes to the doctor quite often. Never really a problem other than how often she's had to go. That's why I'm scratching my head here. I just don't get it.
Anyway, got home last night and tried to go to bed early. She was already laying down and I could smell the alcohol. I was really tired but just as I fell asleep I snapped back awake with a sudden onset of unnaccountable fear. I am obviously bothered by the situation but haven't really had that happen before. Took awhile to get back to sleep and had to be up early this morning. 0330. It's going to be a tough one today.
Give it all over to your higher power .. and give her to hers. It's honestly all you can do.
I totally get it and I get the confusion .. like I stated I will never forget my girlfriends grief and anger about her baby brother. He made the choice and no one could force him to do different.
Big hugs, I really hope you are able to get some rest tonight and can do something to take care of you. Worrying only steals today's joy.
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Hi Westman,
I have been plagued by worry about my AH too and some of his health issues. For me I find telling my AH that I am concerned once and then also telling him that I think he's capable of figuring out what is best for him and letting it go has been helpful. It was hard for me to do at first but I'm getting a lot better at it. In my relationship it seems that I sort of enabled him not to address his health issues because I was always "nagging" (I saw it as loving) him about taking care of himself and making all kinds of suggestions etc. When I took my hands off and handed it over to him and his higher power I saw good things happen that had nothing to do with me. The dynamic in my relationship in the past seemed to be that my AH would start to worry about something bring it to me and I seemed to take over the worry. As soon as I was sufficiently worried about it he seemed to take the opposite stance. Now when he brings a worry to me I try to listen with detachment with love, communicate my faith in his ability to solve his own problem and let it go. This has brought me a lot of peace. Slowly I've been learning to have more faith in other's abilities as well as more faith in myself.
I often have the waking up in a panic situation myself. I have some difficulty with sleep myself because of worry/fear. What helps me is to recognize that I'm worried or afraid and hand it over to my higher power. I hope your day goes well. Take care.
