The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading in Courage to Change is about the Second Tradition (For our group purpose there is but one authority - a loving God as he may express himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants - they do not govern).
The author reflects on their desire to control and how that desire can, at times, be seen in their attempts to control their Al-Anon group. The author shares that they at times feel as though they are the only one to really understand the traditions, or they alone know what a newcomer needs to hear. It can be easy to see this as a sense of responsibility, but the author understands that these actions amount to a kind of dominance and are contrary to the second tradition.
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I have struggled with dominance quite a bit since adolescence. I always told myself it wasn't that I wanted to be in control, it was just that no one else stepped up, or those who did were not "up to" the task. I have worked on this defect of character through the 12 steps, and refused to take any kind of leadership role for years, regardless of the context. My approach was to sway from the extreme dominance of over commitment to the extreme opposite of refusal to serve. Thanks to my work in Al-Anon, I am learning a better balance of service without dominance, and HP has given me a fantastic face-2-face group with several dominant personalities so I can practice service without dominance at each meeting
I hope everyone has a lovely day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning Skorpi I always marvel at how well structured the alanon program is and at how wise the founders were in establishing the Traditions. These informed guidelines really do understand how alcoholism affects the family members and strive to guide us into interacting with healthy principles.
I love the fact that our leaders are trusted servants and do not govern and that we are a fellowship of equals. I know that if I entered the rooms and found a controlling" know it all person" ,my pre- Al-Anon personality would've engaged in challenging their authority and wisdom. The traditions guard against this defect and allowed me to assume a seat in the circle as an equal. I am so grateful for these traditions.
Hi Skorpi-I am grateful that my F2F group seems to be a group of equals and no one is attempting to control the group or anyone in it. My ability to relate to this share however, is how I was prior to Alanon with my A. I tried for over 20 years, first to control her eating, and then her drinking. I couldn't see the hole I dug for myself of negative emotions, nor realize the damage I was doing to myself. What a painful awakening I had! But I am grateful for program and I am sticking with it. Progress not perfection! Lyne
Thanks, Skorpi, for this reading. I am glad that Al-Anon encourages equality in the membership, has traditions that help to prevent any one person from dominating others, and respects that minorities should be heard.
Honestly, if there were dominant leaders, my tendency would have been to try to please them, and then get exhausted by trying and probably quit going to meetings. So, early in the program, when I heard "our leaders are but trusted servants," I knew these were my kind of people.
Thank you Skorpi for the daily and your service. Thanks to all above me for their ESH. So often, when I read shares about a topic, tradition, step or related I am reminded of what bonds us together - common experiences. I was the youngest yet the only girl so was not too focused on control until I left my family with a broken picker. Since I often chose the runt of the litter, I developed unhealthy habits and patterns by which I was not only in control but was 'needed'. *Sigh* - so very grateful I no longer have to fix, change, control and heal anyone else - it was so exhausting!
I do love how the program is structured and I do feel that each time I go to my group, we are all equals. We had a social gathering on Monday outside of the rooms, and one of the gals sent me an amends later. Long story short, she got lost for the last one, and blamed it on my directions. I truly was not offended nor did I defend or anything as I had no need to do so. She sent a long text message and owned it. I reassured her it was no big deal to me, and that I still loved her.
We are imperfect and our program is imperfect. Yet, when each does their part to lean into the program, it works wonderfully. I do feel very comfortable with my group that we are peers - length of time, age, etc. makes no difference. I was told in early recovery to hang with the winners and I am very cautious and distant today around others who dominate or instruct. They remind how I was and what I do not want to be like.
Have a great Wednesday all - off to a meeting and then the store for steaks and ... my son + the little guys are staying at my home for a sleepover - he still has no AC. I am playing ball later tonight - a new night added with a new team!! Make it a great day!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Skorpi for your service, and all for your ESH on the topic. The program does an incredible job of encouraging service without hierarchy, and leadership without dominance.
I came from a high control environment among my foo, and admit to finding the soft guidance of AlAnon challenging at times. This provides me, however, with a great growth opportunity to draw upon the tools and program principles to understand and adopt healthier perspectives and much needed patience.
Grateful for the reminders
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Thanks Skorpi- great topic! Coming from an extremely dysfunctional family, my parent's trained me to take charge to fill in for other's deficits. I was told that if I didn't do it, who would! You can imagine what a good little helper I was! Thank heavens, I can shed what doesn't serve me well.
