The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today my ex-abf got bitten pretty badly by our/his cat. He's not castrated, and can become crazy sometimes with no good reason. The good news - I didn't rush to ex-abf's apartment to save the day like I have done so many times before. He asked me to come over and bring him painkillers. He said I was the only one who can do it because I have keys and he can't unlock the door because of the pain. I was pretty sure I made the right decision - not to come over since I think he can unlock the door if he can call and text me. Then I did the next worst thing - I began "managing", called his mom who lives a lot closer and asked her if she could come over to him. Sigh. It didn't occur to me at the time that I was once again robbing him of his own choices to ask for help whom he wants when/if he wants it, although I did stop to think whether to call or not for 10 seconds. Not long enough, apparently. At that moment I guess I was just so sure I'm not screwing things up because I wasn't going to go to him, as usual, and I didn't think much further than that. Well, all I did was make his mum worry (not for the first time), because he didn't answer her calls or texts. I realized about a half hour later that I had once again meddled in an affair that wasn't mine. And, instead of owning my choice not to come over, I tried to wiggle out of truly owning it by calling his mother... Just finished cleaning the windows in my flat, and the physical work has helped me regain some balance. Not that I was half as worried as I used to whenever stuff like this came up. Still, its kind of unnerving that I screwed up again in a way that seems pretty obvious in hindsight, considering how little I have to deal with situations like this since I've left him. I kind of hoped I might be able to handle occasional insanity in a sane way if it came my way rarely... At least I'm grateful I don't feel the need to rush to his rescue myself anymore, and that I'm not a nervous wreck.
great awareness! its half
the battle. it took "practice" for me to let go of my caretaker/enabling habit. i see that you are practicing that too, letting go of crippling others...doing for them what they should be doing for themselves. the first step is seeing ourslves doing it (awarness) and you are! this experience had to happen, it was valuable. the universe will give you more opportunities to amend this behavior pattern in you, so have patience with yourself because it probably didnt develop overnight. we just keep "practicing"
(((Aline))) - it's all about progress and not perfection.....good job and good for you - you made it through, celebrated what you did differently and noted that which you can learn from! This to me is program in action - looks awesome on you!!! Way to go!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you both so much for your encouragement. The crazy train continued through the day, but I'm trying hard not to hop on it. Yes, progress not perfection...
Well done. Bit by a cat and can't open a door due to pain? I think you encouraged him to put his big boy pants on by not rushing to the rescue. Good for both of you!
Progress not perfection .. this is not a perfect program in terms of what is required of me. I didn't get here over night and I won't get well over night either .. most people need 100k Alanon meetings and even then .. another 100k wouldn't hurt. :)
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Well done. Bit by a cat and can't open a door due to pain? I think you encouraged him to put his big boy pants on by not rushing to the rescue. Good for both of you!
LoL, great response. Yeah, I agree that it's about progress not perfection. Even though you made a misstep just think how much worse it would have been if you had put your life on hold and rushed over to "fix" everything for him. I think the progress you showed here is something to be happy about.
I did learn something major about myself I didn't realize before this episode - I am an enormous "manager", an eager volunteer, actually. I started thinking about my job, and how I can't get even the most basic things done anymore, and voila - I now see I've been "volunteering" so much to help other colleagues, no wonder I can't handle my own responsibilities. I had made myself an unofficial "newcomer teacher" (quite a lot of people tend to leave the workplace and new come in regularly), I'm also the local "IT person" to go to since I've been so helpful in solving minor computer issues, and also a self-proclaimed English wiz, so my boss et al usually come to me with small or not so small tasks that require written English. And my job title actually includes the word "Responsible". Boy oh boy, do I try to be responsible for anything and everything :D I don't know why, exactly, but this realization is kind of funny to me, although I'm really, really grateful for it as well. Maybe because I have been so totally clueless for so long about this, its actually ridiculous. I've begun NOT volunteering today, and it takes effort and concentration on my part, but I'll keep working on this.
