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When I first got into the program the ladies in the room use to talk about "Their Qualifier" and/or "Their Alcoholic" I was intrigued until I came to understand that truthfully could not qualify the person who got them into the room as the husband the wanted to be married to and live their lives out with. I then started to identify my own spouse as "My Alcoholic" and it fit quite comfortably thank you. ((((hugs))))
Thanks Jerry I always referred to myself as "my qualifier" as I had the disease long before marriage and it was my reactions to the world that brought me into the rooms.
Jerry and Betty, thanks both of you. How simple and how true. I had the disease long before I married my first alcoholic husband. Growing up with the disease I became diseased. So who is my qualifier? It is none other than me. Thank you both for this simple yet very true revelation. Grateful hugs
I think in my quest not to blame, to detach with love, and to have compassion for the "'sick" person, we are all guilty! However, I have spent many years in therapy understanding the origins of sickness in my FOO. I am an ACOA, but I am an adult child of anger. I had a raging brother that my parents did not/could not control nor protect me from. I believe his gene pool set him up to be this way, as my grandmother on my dad's side was a raging mom and beat her kids. The exposure to my brother, set me up for a series of relationships with addicted people. I certainly became sick early in my childhood and chose angry, unavailable partners, all who had one or more addictions. How ever you slice it up, it's a very sad story, but a happy ending with program. I forgive all of them, and I'm on a good path to recovery. Amen, Lyne
I understand much more now and still forget what the cause of the trouble was....alcoholism; drug addiction only part of which was trying to blame me for the condition with me accepting much of it because I didn't understand then how I understand now. When I use to use the generic term "my wife or my spouse" I defaulted to the picture of how I habitually viewed marriage as the happy walk in the park...I forgot and then I got had again thru my expectations and then I got rageful because it wasn't that way at all. Alcoholism and the alcoholic isn't that way at all...I had to stop setting myself up for insanity which I rarely did because the disease is soooo cunning powerful and baffling. My "normally" alcoholic/addict wife wasn't near the "normal" I was taught to expect. ((((hugs))))
Posted by mamalioness above-------Jerry and Betty, thanks both of you. How simple and how true. I had the disease long before I married my first alcoholic husband. Growing up with the disease I became diseased. So who is my qualifier? It is none other than me. Thank you both for this simple yet very true revelation. Grateful hugs
I would like to add to my own post, above, that YES, I am my qualifier because I am in the disease of CoDependency, but really what was the root??? it was them...Parents...People who NEVER should have had children (my deceased sisters own words b4 her death) THEY are responsible for my Illness...I am responsible for my recovery.....
I had to add this because an innocent child is NEVER to blame for the trauma, abuse, neglect and terror so many of us suffer at the hands of BAD PEOPLE who use liquor to squash their inhibitions...AND I had no filters then to filter out their LIES about my being not good enough and "good for only one thing" (HIM) a slut (HER) because I didn't know how to fend him off of me....my "inability" to keep her sober (HIM) like it was MY job to keep her sober...yea right!!! A sick child, trying to cope with a raging drunk.....so yea, THEY were my qualifiers in that they started my ugly ball rolling, however I AM RESPONSIBLE for my RECOVERY and my staying sick or getting healthy!!! I choose getting healthy....THAT is my responsibility and my qualifier to be here..........Now this post is just MY take on MY dysfunction....THEY were responsible for my being traumatized beyond the point where I had to shut down to get through it......
Oh yes... for some time now- I have felt that my qualifier was me...
When my AF father died my dear next youngest brother told mum that I was still going along to Alanon because I thought she was the alcoholic now!
No prior discussion with me, of course. Mum bought this one up... I think at this point she questioned it. She did have the blue ODAT book and had worked
in two treatments centres, as a nurse, but was never a regular attender to Alanon.
I probably do take a back seat in Alanon now- much of the time... but I always vowed i would remain a lifetime member.
Aroha mai, aroha atu; he moemiti tonu... ......
love given and received; a blessing forever... ...
Maika`i David. Mahalo for the commitment words. I am Al-Anon for ever because I was affected in life until death. My qualifiers are mostly all gone and then my responses and reactions to the traumas in my life are still sick and inappropriate at times regardless of if there is an alcoholic within view or not.
I just realized thru evidence that I have some grandchildren (adults) progressing in the disease and have put God on notice. My sponsor tells me that his greatest fear is being hopeless and I truly understand and empathize. One day at a time only. ((((hugs))))
When I was in this program for a period of time...I realized...this program is about US...ME...our recovery, my recovery...and after walking through this, realizing that nothing changes if nothing changes, and that's exclusively about me, and that making change started and ended with me...and being that I had to change my thinking, my actions/reactions, my behavior, and so on...then...THIS PROGRAM WAS FOR US...FOR ME...then I was my own qualifier and that's why I was in the room.
Thanks for posting this.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Like most I had to learn starting from zero. I didn't even know what alcoholism was or how to spell it though I was raised in it. I was "as dumb as a stick" I use to say and that metaphor fit me exactly. I had to listen and learn, accept and cast off new information that worked and that didn't work and I kept coming back over and over and over. I allowed myself the courage to ask the fellowship for more personal ESH and they never failed to support my request. Knowing my fear of reaching out and asking for help I adopted a position of humility that I overlooked judging not willing to stop. The word I added to my request for help was "please". "Could you please help me". Again they never failed to help. They asked me to join their meetings after the meeting at coffee shops or diners and the growing in recovery took off.
I wasn't born in the u.s. I was and am a Pacific Islander and Hawaiian National and felt and thought and acted very different and I needed help. I had to translate the dialogue because in Hawaii we often speak in metaphors...pictures and if one picture fails us we draw on others automatically. "What do I have to do...draw you a picture"?? "Yes please".
I remember a sponsor who was aware of my relationships with the elders in my family telling me that the movie "Mommy Dearest" was in town and suggesting I go see it. That movie did war with my soul and paralyzed my mind and body and I sat in the back of an almost empty theater raging at the abuse...my life within an alcoholic/addict family of origin. I stayed until the end of the movie kneeling on the floor behind the seat in front of me and made up my mind I would never suggest that movie to anyone else. I haven't.
It took me eons to come to understand what and how you all lived thru and then own it myself. Al-Anoners for me are "Alii" or in English "warriors" especially the women who led me thru the dark and called out the safe spots and the dangers. I pray to my HP...Akua...that these wahines (women) get "na momi o ka lani la lakou" their pearls in heaven. That language comes from my na`au...the center of me, my spirit. I feel the miracle given to me by them and wish to continue giving it back.
I am going thru these feelings now naturally as I prepare to give testimony to the local mayor, chief of police and liquor commission on what might we do to help arrest the very large problem our island has with alcohol and drugs and I will try to paint the picture of not enabling it to continue on and grow.
Mahalo MIP Ohana...In time we will find out how it comes out. (((((hugs)))))
-- Edited by Jerry F on Monday 31st of July 2017 01:41:55 PM
Oh Jerry...i watched that movie too....it brought up horrid memories of my own "mommie dearest" and they (memories) were NOT good...She for some reason did not want me...Just DID NOT WANT me and she made me know it...
I remember at age 10, I bought her (with my allowance) a beautiful scarf, she loved Japanese clothing and scarves so I got her one...wrapped it myself...i was sooo proud to hand it to her this one Christmas eve and she hissed at me and kicked my present out of my hands, I watched it sail through the air and "clunk" on the floor by the exit door to the living room where we were.....I went to bed that night and I cried over her for the LAST time, it was so intense, I wet my bed...I cleaned up my wet sheets,tossed them in the laundry hamper..got new ones..re-made my bed and burrowed under the covers.....never cried over her again, something in my heart and soul, "passed away" I didn't even cry when she passed in 1972...I stared into her casket and saw a women who was selfish, alcoholic, cruel, self indulgent and I just said "good luck in your after life" I had no feelings...nothing to say to her or feel for her...it was like looking at a person who had died, whom I had no connection with...THATS how thoroughly I shut down......
yes,I am a hard to get close to, wahine thanks to my upbringing...life was just SO unsafe.....I wish you the best luck as you testify to the local, mayor and chief of police and liquor commission on arresting this awful problem of alcohol.....I know you will do great.......and yes, your Akua will be there to walk you through it...he will give you the peace to accept what you cannot change and loads of courage to change what you can......I say "Mahalo Ohana" to you , my good family member who is such a blessing to this board....when Akua made you, he really had a good day in the manufacturing plant.......Just saying, my friend.....I am cheering for you (((((((((((Jerry)))))))))))))
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