Hi everyone!!!

I hope this evening finds you all well and at peace..I am doing the ODAT slogan big time...There are times I am "normal"  (oh yea! right!) and then like the tides, the grief comes in a wave and I have to let the feelings pass through me...

Practicing being in the present helps, AND I am in charge of the video/picture portion of the DVD We are making for my sister's service...I am pouring through all my photo albums plus Facebook, plus bumming pics off her old school mates, etc., and I have emailed my niece quite a collection

Looking at those old pics of us as kids, and because she ran away to get married at 17, there is a big gap till I moved out to CA and I was grown, but no worries, hitting up her mates in CA who knew her has filled in a lot of those gaps....

the feelings rushed in...the crazy stuff we did when I moved out there to spend time with and get to know her...I reflected on why she may have been so difficult to deal with (she never got into recovery)  but I also reflected on the good in her..Her love for her family..Her appreciation for animals..She was fun loving...So lots of emotions are coming up and looking at the pictures are bringing up memories I had long forgotten....

Her service is on 12 Aug. So I have time, but really by end of next week, I will have my portion of the CD or DVD done and it feels good to be a part of this..Her daughter is going to send me a necklace with her ashes in it, along with my copy of CD and also the "sisters" blanket I had sent her...I will put my treasures away in a special place, along with her last card she sent me on valentines day which was so loving and sweet.....Yes, we had a rocky go of it through out our lives as sisters, but I truly could have done a whole lot worse, LOL

Looking at our pics when she and 2 of the girls came here to see me, before the cancer battle began, back in 1994, RIGHT before the cancer fight began, I saw our happy, grinning, carefree faces, cousin Ruthie was there (she and I grew up more as sisters then cousins, we are sooo very close) and I was happy to include Ruthie in the CD, as she is a wonderful part of us...

I don't know if I told you all, but I took one of her kids away from her way back in 1976 and I raised her up as my own...my sister , I now have found out, was never mad at me for doing that..She was "OK" that her girl thinks of ME as her mom more then her...She was ALWAYS OK with that...Her daughter told me this the other night, that Jane was "always ok with my being the girl's mom"  I thought "Wow., that is gracious..awesome"  and ya know?? she did show that she was ok with it....I asked her daughter, I wonder why she was OK and not jealous or angry and we talked and we both came to the same conclusion...She was Ok with it because it was me and she loved me that much..to let her kid go to me if that was the best thing....That was a humbling revelation...

Anyway, I am not entirely sure that it has "sunk in" that she is gone, but I am doing this video portion of the CD and it was last night, I almost texted her to tell her that the Travers stakes is racing this weekend and "no worries- i'll upload the video"  and I caught myself..Shes not HERE!!   Its like I know it happened, but is it really real??? 

Grief is weird..I am not fighting it..I am flowing along, knowing that the bad pain will ease up, and life goes on and I must have a purpose here , still, because I am very much alive TODAY, so yea, I will always miss her and our love/passion for the horses and our other things we enjoyed together, but I will be OK...I told her girls, that they are NOT orphans, they got me!! I am here!! and my feet are planted in front of theirs from now on...I am here!!  They were happy to hear me say that

My doctor, bless her heart, is "sending" me to one of her colleagues who will , she promised, keep me on the same protocol for my GAD and that she was putting in special notes to her , my history, etc. so the "meet and greet" between me and new doctor will go smoothly this October..Also she gave me the next dose up on my meds and a 6 months supply...no way am i going to up my dose, so I will break the pills in half and this "scrip" will last a year if need be...my doctor knows I would never ever abuse drugs as I have a real fear of drug abuse and over doing it...I only take as much as i need to get through each day and have managed to keep my dose the same for 40 years now...so no!! Doc was not afraid to give me Xtra...I'm gonna miss her..She has taken care of me for like 15 years

anyway, I just wanted to stop by and say "hey" to all of you...I'm trying to rest, not push myself, when I feel tired or I need to "get quiet time by myself" I DO it! I'm taking care of myself..

I did something else to take care of me!! My adopted daughter whom I really had to step back from, calls me today and asks me 'how am I and where have I been??"  I told her I was going through the agonizing death of my sister and now that she has passed, I am grieving and caring for myself, leaning on those who are real close to me, "closing ranks" so to speak, just having real close people around me now as I get tired and only want close, trusted people around me....She says "i want to be there for you"  (How many times have I heard that, only to be smashed down by her)  I said "thank you"  nothing more, I didn't want to go into anything with her because I have told her enough times, WHY I wanted distance, anyway, I thanked her and said I had to get off the phone and 2 hours later, she is calling me again as I was resting on my couch and indicated she wanted to come over....I told her I was taking a nap (which I did for about 2 hours) I kept it brief, but just said I was taking a nap and wanted to go to sleep for a while..

My bestie across the street came over..He has a daughter like this one and HE distanced himself from HER as well..I told him what happened and I said  "funny thing!!! I did not WANT her around me"  and he just said, "well, they go to the well how many times, before we just let go"  and I agreed..I wish the kid all the best, but I just did not want to share my intimate grief and feelings and anything for that matter with her...I did not say it out of anger, or nastiness, I am not even mad at her anymore...In fact, I forgive her!! I just don't want to be around her!! I'm happier and less stressed NOT being around her..Sad, but she did this to herself..I warned her that I would "get enough" and walk away..I guess it has happened because I Clearly did not want her..I enjoyed my BMF here..We chatted..Played with the dogs...Had a nice visit because he is in my close circle...

Gosh!! Long post!! Sorry!! I need to  try to go to bed...maybe tennis tomorrow..I'll see how I feel...

You all take care