I am so grateful that I do the best I can to work a program....sometimes, life just 'builds up' - this is my 'dump' ... if you will.  I am heading out the door for softball shortly and just need to share...

I've spoken before - large family.  I am close with all my cousins and we all have families, children, etc.  Well - one of my 'nephews' (really a cousin's kid but that's how we slice the large family - generation instead of family) - has been hanging with me a ton - going to AA meetings, playing sober softball, etc.  He celebrated 60 days 12 days ago and went missing.  He's been missing for almost 9 days and finally resurfaced.  He relapsed and is back in detox, for which I am truly grateful.  He's a vet and has some troubles and is exactly where he should be.  This could be so much worse!

I have another cousin I worked with a couple years ago.  She too relapsed middle of last year and things have been progressing as we all know the disease does.  She's got a small child and he was put into protective care a couple months ago.  I got a facebook notice just a bit ago that his father has been awarded custody, so he will be leaving in 4 days to move across the country to live with his father.  Again, this is probably a good thing for the child as my cousin is not fit to parent in her current state.

I have been cleaning flood waters for the better part of 2 days and am so freakin' tired, words can't describe all the motions it takes to mop, vac, sweep, mop, dry, etc.  Clearly I've been using body parts that don't get this much 'work' on a regular basis so - physically very tired.

And I get these 2 pieces of news on my drive home after a very tiring, but very productive day.  I was back to how it was before Al-Anon....I went numb.  I just did not know what to feel.  And then - the insane thinking process that I know others have but I own for today - what could I have done better, different, etc.  A part of me wants to try and assume some responsibility for this darn disease in others!!!

So - I am sad and a little emotional and a little crazy and a lotta tired.  I am doing softball as it's my therapy.  When I go to the fields, I get to act like a child again, no worries, no cares, no pressure - just fun in the outdoors.  When I play outfield, I talk with God during defense.  When I play infield, it's a bit harder as I have to pay more attention.  

I know I am powerless over this disease, but it doesn't stop me from being angry and feeling as if, just for this portion of this day, the disease won.  I had the little guy for a while when she was in therapeutic treatment a couple years ago.  He's a sweet kid and he deserves joy, happiness and tons of love.  Yet, I feel a bit sorry for me, his grandma and the others in our family who've helped raise him - he's been a part of our life and we just don't know if/when we'll see him again.

Thanks for letting me share - I don't usually get too down about things but it's been a long day already and I am mad/sad that I feel defeated by the disease.  I wish I didn't, but I do....(((Hugs))) to all - back tomorrow!