The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading is about the defense mechanisms we may learn having grown up or living with alcoholism. The writer specifically mentions how he/she learned to hide from his/her alcoholic parents. Over time the writer learned to hide in obvious ways, and more subtle, such as not saying what was on his/her mind. The writer goes on to say that alanon helped him/her learned to think before running away; the program also teaches that when we react in fear we give power to the unhealthy side of ourselves.
As I read this I was thinking about how we do the best we can with what we have at the time: for a scared child of alcoholic parents that might be turning inward and 'hiding'. As we grow strength we may add going to meetings, readings, correspondence with a sponsor to what we can do for ourselves. I am thinking about the various levels of trauma associated with living with alcoholism-there may be everything from emotionally shutting down to physical violence and everything in between. As a child in that, many of us were simply in survival mode and did whatever we had to in order to get through it. The program has offered something far beyond survival and more about thriving in our lives.
the Thought for the Day and quote from alateen both over reminders about the power of the Serenity Prayer. I hope everyone is feeling the strength of the prayer and the program today.... and every day!
Good morning Mary - Happy Tuesday....Thank you for the daily, your service and your ESH. I recently had a discussion with a dear program friend about how I have been a 'hider' and/or 'runner' for as long as I can remember. I spent a huge portion of my life avoiding conflict and reality by vacating any way possible instead of feeling my feelings, realizing the insanity and owning my own part. As I worked the steps, I did realize my distorted definition of FEAR was the unhealthy one - Forget Everything And Run!
The program and steps gave me the healthy definition - False Evidence Appearing Real and healthy tools to be/do/respond differently. Today, instead of shutting down and hiding from discomfort or discontent, I use the tools we're given to deal and heal as best I can. For my program, each tool adds value to my program and my growth and my spiritual connection with my higher power. I take a bit more time today to seek the next right step instead of being in a perpetual reactive mode. Our program works well when we use it!
I spent some time last night processing and evaluating how toxic people affect our spirit. Using our tools does certainly give us what we need to detach and move forward, yet when allowed to touch my life, the effect does slow progress in growth. What I know for my life is some are certainly easier to shake than others, and while I trust my HP with my serenity, a part of me is resisting some changes I may need to make. I totally agree that we and all do the best we can with what we have at the time and acceptance is vital for healthy growth/decisions.
Make it a great day Mary and MIP! We have another hot day or two and then more mild temperatures headed our way!! It's a great day to be alive! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Strong topic Mary, thank you for sharing the daily and both for your ESH. Recovery in AlAnon helps me see how much fear has been an unhealthy part of my thoughts, behavior and feelings. The Serenity Prayer was one of the tools I learned at my first meeting and continues to be a go-to when I am struggling.
I was surviving without AlAnon, but the program is helping me learn to live. So grateful for the peace I have available to me when I follow its guidance and wisdom
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good Morning Mary, I too appreciate your posting of your thoughts on this important topic. I did not even know I was in"survival mode" when i entered program, as these negative tools were developed early on and I believed that they were normal.
Being restored to sanity, as is stated in the Second Step allowed me to review my coping tools and discover how defensive and inadequate they were. These tools made me invisible and my needs unimportant as I supported everyone's dream
I love the alanon CAL entitled:"From Survival to Recovery", as it clearly outlines the process that I embraced after committing to this wonderful program of recovery. I was advised that this was not a self improvement program but a self discovery program and that listing my assets and gratitude were essential to recovery, as these would be the building blocks that I would use to rebuild my life in recovery.
I agree attending meetings, working the Steps sharing with a sponsor all helped me to come out of hiding and make myself and my needs visible. The greatest advantage to this process is that i discovered who I was and my self esteem and self worth grew.
Hey Mary, thanks for this share....sooo true for me....traumatized child..for me coping was shutting down , however I remember even as a child, my rage was beginning to "get hot" like if a toy didn't work right, I would smash it to smithereens...I couldn't direct my anger at "them" so I directed at toys or stuff that was inanimate (thank goodness I never wanted to hurt a pet) but the rage, i felt, even as a child...fear based big time...running away all the time, chronic shoplifting when older, the smashing of things, getting into fights with other kids...all just reek of being afraid and majorally pee'd off at the lot in life I had...I just coped....got through all the abuse, somehow, but at what cost to my mental health....I've been in recovery since 2002-2004 (incest support group) 2004- life's end in Al-anon and other 12 steps rooms to try and put my shattered little mind back together....I will never fully recovery, I don't believe, but I can and fight for a decent, happy, healthier, better conditions/circumstances life where I can feel safe and able to have joy...I see big progress...My relationships are better now, I don't fear being abandoned like before and if someone does leave me, I let them go without going through all the self blame of "well they left because I am sub-par" I don't think that anymore...as I get healthier, the sickos don't want to stay because they cannot use me, exploit me, "play with my head" anymore....i have boundaries...a sense of self and who I am, what I want/don't want, etc...yes, I can hold up my end of a relationship now...I am not afraid to speak my truth when another offends against me...I can work things out with another and be calm, or I can leave without having to squash them first...I can just walk away if a relationship is not a fit for me...whats that saying??? hold on with a very loose rein because IF one is really a part of my life, I won't have to fight to keep them in my life--They will make sure I am a part of their life, if they are not really a good fit for me, nothing I will do will keep them with me.......letting go separates the relationship wheat from the chaffe.....i hope this made sense....I just got up, LOL
Thank you, Mary for your service today. A very powerful share indeed.
I developed many coping skills in my marriage with my husband... he was a meth addict before being an alcoholic. It's funny in a way how easily those skills came back when my husband started drinking.
I am currently fighting some depression that my life has turned out the way it has... probably b/c kid is now a senior and is preparing for life after high school. I wanted such a different life for myself. I gave away my power and sense of self all because of love. Stupid, stupid me.
But, how was I to know what my spouse would eventually succumb to? I have many friends that have the best lives/marriages. I was dealt the sh*t card. It is hard to accept that is what my HP wanted for me.
So I say the Serenity Prayer daily. I tell myself to live One Day at a Time... not always easy... but essential for now.
In contemplating your share about the reading, I find it odd that despite my Al-Anon tools/sponsor etc., the more I detach from my AH, I find I am going more and more "into" myself... a coping mechanism b/c I currently can't leave my AH, I am sure. I am grateful for the places I can share... here, meetings, a close friend.
The only one I can change is myself.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
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