The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm new here and, I don't know, sort of new to life with an alcoholic/addict. 6 years now. To me it feels more and more like this is my life rather than a bump in the road. My husband of 23 years - someone I've been involved with since we were both in 8th grade (so 33 years now), is addicted to opiates. It started with a surgery 10 years ago and within 6 months he sought help and quite using. 6 years ago this started again. His way of dealing with untreated depression and anxiety. In addition to the pills his drinking has become "problematic" - as his court mandated alcohol class (a result of a DUI last year) taught him. He suffers under a false delusion that since it's only "problematic" he can have a plan to stay in control of it. I won't go into the specifics. I'm sure it's nothing that hasn't been said before 1000x. Over the last few years I've gone from believing we'll get through this (why wouldn't we...we've always been best friends) to being emotionally disconnected from our marriage. This is not a secret to my husband either. Over the last 6 months he HAS finally started getting some help (seeing a therapist and he is back with his suboxone provider as well as taking an anti depressant). His drinking and using goes in spurts. When he isn't doing either though I'm still walking on egg shells - watching to see if he is - trying to be 10 steps ahead, which I know is impossible.
I think I need to let go so that I can make decisions without feeling so much emotion. I'm so exhausted all the time. I'm unhappy most of the time and when I do feel happiness I actually consciously, now, remind myself to not get too caught up in it. I live in this fake life and all the lying and fake smiling is just too much. I don't know how to let go. I have moments - lots of moments. I no longer care about rocking the boat. I no longer fear any of my actions causing him to go out and use - I finally have learned (and I must admit that's one lesson I'm so grateful to have learned) that nothing I say or do or don't say don't do makes him use or not use / drink or not drink. Nothing at all that I do does, or will, make a difference. That's actually liberating to know. But I have moments where the emotion is void from my thoughts but then the next I'm filled with rage and then - worst of all - the next I'm feeling consumed by guilt.
How do you let go? Better yet, how do you lovingly let go?
Welcome Kay, I appreciate your honesty and clarity and can certainly identify with all that you shared. Living with the disease of alcoholism is certainly challenging and that is why the Al-Anon program was founded. We who live or have lived with the disease understandas few others can, we too felt aS YOU, have stated and when we enter the rooms of alanon are looking for solutions and hope.
Al-Anon face-to-face meetings offer new tools to live by and a supportive network to practice using the tools. I learned to focus on myself, live one day at a time and trust a power greater than myself as I rebuilt my damaged self-esteem and self-worth.
It is important to note you are not alone and there is hope . Please search out face-to-face meetings in your community and keep coming back here.
OM Gosh!!! So sad adn thank you for your open, honest and brave share...how do you lovingly let go??? I think you've begun that by coming here for support and yes, working the program will help you keep the focus on you...you didn't cause him to use/drink, you won't control it and you won't ever cure it....its so sad to see someone caught up in the spiders web of drinking and using....My family is full of using and drinking....I just had to let them walk their paths and I walk mine ...AT A DISTANCE....to protect me....sure, I love some of them a lot, but I can't have it around me if I want to stay healthy...now "can't have it around me" doesn't ALWAYS mean leaving, but it DOES mean setting a parameter around myself, what I will let in my circle I drew around my feet and what I want to keep out...
Program will teach you how to live with you, for you, keep focus on you, let him walk his path and learn his lessons...he may have to fall hard to get to the point of surrendering to the program...noone knows...that is between him and his Higher power...
IF I were you, i would go to facetoface meets where you can fellowship with folks in the same boat, working towards healthier lives...whether they say with the addict or leave them, is up to the individual, but what IS paramount is that WE as Al-anons, who have been impacted by this behavior, WE need to have OUR place to live for US...and its here.....so glad you are here...chin up...you can do this...I loved the honesty and bravery you showed in your share and in spite of it all, you still want to "lovingly detach" not attack, LOL...
Welcome to MIP Kay - glad you found us and glad that you shared...As Betty suggests, the best solution for me was embracing the Al-Anon program, attending meetings, working the steps and truly practicing what is suggested. We do learn how to detach which is part of the letting go. We also learn how to set up boundaries that work for self-protection and are punitive against the sick person.
What I learned about me in recovery is I really wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and ... often my way. What I had to accept is that is not even remotely close to reality. When I began to see the disease as a disease and worked to separate the disease from the person, I began to find small amounts of compassion. I also learned that my self-esteem and self-worth as well as my moods were unhealthily attached to another person - I'd lost me in the process of trying to combat a disease, which we know is larger than life.
Be gentle with you - this is a disease that is progressive for everyone. Nobody came to their bottom overnight and the fixes don't arrive overnight either. We work hard to live one day at a time, and trust the process as designed. May you find hope in knowing you are not alone - keep coming back!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
First things first -- I read your post and the very first thing that resonated with me was how open and honest you are. You expressed yourself so well, with a strong focus and clarity, and for me, my experience, what I've seen, felt, etc., in my life living with this disease -- I absolutely can empathize and sympathize with you, what you are feeling and everything you shared. This disease -- and drug addiction as well -- is a very cunning, baffling, insidious, and enigmatic disease. If left untreated, unaddressed, by the alcoholic/addict, if they continue, this is a progressive disease, thus the potential outcomes can be devastating. If left untreated, unaddressed by a loved one -- a spouse for example -- that too can be progressive, and the potential outcomes for us can be devastating. Hence, we have al-anon.
This disease can make life challenging, every single day. You are off to a good start -- you got the Three C's -- you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you cannot cure it. There is so much more meaning behind the words -- and that is just one thing you can and will learn...so I suggest you find and go to face to face meetings in your area. Try different meetings, and try them more than once. You seem to also get that there is nothing you can do about this disease -- his drinking, using, etc. That too has a great deal of meaning, methodology, a mindset, behind the words which seem obvious. We can get that intellectually, but we must accept it, in order to make change in us. The change is in our thinking, behavior, actions and reactions, the way we interact and engage with the alcoholic/addict, and so much more.
All of this -- and the tools, slogans, and the experiences from others you will hear and learn, and the literature you will receive -- all of this can be your first step to face, and then take a step, in a healthy direction -- a healthy direction for YOU. That can be the first step in your recovery.
All the best and keep coming back.
-- Edited by Bo on Monday 24th of July 2017 08:40:16 PM
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Welcome. When I got sick of being depressed, I ended up at my doctors being prescribed anti depressants and Valium to sleep. Things were pretty bad but it wasn't until that point that I got a bit angry as well, because *i,* wasn't the alcoholic ( I am one but at that stage hadn't accepted it nor was I active or even indulging), I wasn't the one ruining family life etc, yet here I was needing medication? No, no. That pictures not right! It started with baby steps of self care. Taking myself out for a walk, taking myself out for coffee, making small talk with local cafe frequenters, attending online meetings and face to face ones.
I began to do small things that had nothing to do with anything but made me feel good. I had to show me I was worth care and love and attention. Today, I have a lovely shoe collection, some potted plants, moisturiser for Africa, a few hundred books, and friends and family ties again. The last two are valued very much, the former just creating an identity outside of born into/married into alcoholism. Keep coming back, it does and can get better.
Aloha Kay and welcome to the board from this side of the planet. It sounds like you have been around our program for a while as your share comes right out of the mouths of many old timers that I have met and been helped by. You say it as I use to say it after being in program for a while. You are qualified to be here with us and I hope you keep coming back with an open mind and the willingness to find the peace of mind and serenity we have found as participating members of the Al-Anon Family Groups.
I came to understand that I was born and raise within the insanity of alcoholism and drug addiction in my family and then wouldn't understand until I was much older and on another continent than the one I was born on. The disease destroyed both sides of my family and then went on to hook myself and my siblings also. I don't "tell my story" often because it still has a powerful affect on my emotions and thinking regardless of the depth and time I have in recovery.
Alcoholism and drug addictions are a cunning, powerful and baffling disease which can never be cured, only arrested by total abstinence. It is a progressive disease in that if not arrested over time will get worse. It affects everything it comes into contact with and it is fatal. There is no cure only continuous abstinence and awareness work as seen by those who practice the AA like recovery program.
Keep coming back often. It is good to have another new family member (((((hugs)))))
