When Harry Met Sally - Al-Anon Family Group

sdisnie · Senior Member

When Harry Met Sally

emma · Veteran Member

I do not believe that. Starting from my earliest memories I have had persons of the other gender who were my buddies, platonic only. As I reached adulthood society imposed challenges, but the reality of the platonic friendship remained. Perhaps it is how one views it, and I do believe our culture makes it difficult.

Ria · Senior Member

Hi, I've had many platonic friendships with men over the years. Most didn't last but I don't think it was the sex thing getting in the way, just our lives took different paths and equally true of my female friendships. Male/female friendships can get difficult especially if either or both of you have partners and in my experience it often leads to speculation and criticism from society.

I lost someone I considered a very, dear friend because his new girlfriend had jealousy issues around our intimacy. I understood where she was coming from and in my opinion our friendship was 'respectable' at all times. She gave him an ultimatum and he chose her. Fine by me though sad. Personally, I did not agree with his decision as I would not tolerate an ultimatum from my partner. I make my own choices about my friends though I will happily take his views on board and there were many times when he saw their 'true colours' before I did. However, I respect my friends decision and don't judge him for it. My friend and his girlfriend didn't last long, so he lost his lover and my friendship. I also had to recognise that our friendship was obviously more important to me than him.

I've also been in situations where a man has said he's fine with 'just friendship' but in time soon realised they were'nt and were actually checking my boundaries and on a bit of an ego trip, trying to see if they could lure me away from my partner! They overlooked that my loyalty and fidelity are my values and nothing to do with my partner. I don't stay loyal and faithful just because he appreciates it! It may have been an easy thing to find solace in the arms of another when my partner was active and I felt unloved and neglected but it wouldn't have been right for me. If that had been the case though I would've made sure it wasn't one of my friends who I was unfaithful with.

Yes, I think it is possible there is a risk that in getting close to someone you may develop 'feelings' for them or them for you. However, you still have control over your actions and may need to make choices. Again, you would have to weigh the situation on it's individual merits. Finally, it all comes down to trust and respect for me; between myself and my partner and also between myself and my friends.

Just my opinion, hope it helps.

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

It's possible. Could happen. My best friend in the world is a man. I love this man dearly and he loves me equally. We have shared our live's ups and downs for a quarter of a century. No sexual thing was ever between us...oh yes, now I remember...Patrick is gay!! God I do love him. Diva

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

As a guy I have to laugh at Diva's, that's a riot... LOL

I do think it is possible, but not very often accepted by everyone around you as Ria says. I have female friends who I have shared quite a bit with and they with me, but they never really reach buddy status because it would become confusing with my home life.

My A had a guy friend who I accepted as her 'friend'. Took his kids fishing and on other outings... turns out she was sleeping with him.

Oh well... I still vote for could!

bobump · ~*Service Worker*~

I've had platonic women friends all my life. One thing I'll agree with is that 'you run the risk'. Sure everything in life is a risk. But even if you started to develope more then platonic feelings towards someone, you don't have to act on it. Some people as a rule don't date people they work with. That doesn't mean they only work in same sex jobs and careers. They just don't date coworkers.

My women friends have run the the full spectrum, in no particular order. Going back to HS, women I've dated that I just remained friends with, women whom I never had an interest in dating that I've been friends with, women that I wanted to date but they did not have the interest with me that I became friends with, etc.

Actually one of the things I really like about alanon is that I can be friends w/ anyone, women included. I can give and receive; hugs, a comforting hand on the arm or a pat on the back at a meeting guys or gals.

Heck, I can give and receive uncoditional love w/ my alanon family. Nobody in Alanon thinks twice of it. It's not problematic nor has it been perceived as problematic from anyone in the program. Again, it's not the say that 13 stepping doesn't happen. We are human but to me avoiding friendships with someone of a particular sex or sexual orientation for that matter to me would be no different than if I was single avoiding all women because I didn't want to end up with another A or in another codependent relationship.

Courage to Change:

March 26
"Al-anon encourages me to take risks and to think of life not as a command performance but as a continuing serious of experiements.."

March 10
"When I was avoiding taking risks, fear was always with me, just over my shoulder. Now I go through it and come out the other side, often unscathed. I no longer have to keep a constant watch for potential dangers."

Bob

twinmom2 · ~*Service Worker*~

I think its possible for a man and a woman to remain platonic friends, but it would depend on the values of the people in question. In my experience when I was younger it was easier to have platonic male friends, but now society expects that if your friends, your more than friends. I believe in most cases especially with an "a" it is dangerous because the boundaries are so loose. In my situation, my "a" met someone at work, and they were just friends until a night of drinking then it crossed over into something else.

For me, I value fidelity, even more so now. I trust myself being friends with a male and not allowing it to any further, the other person would have to respect that in order to remain friends with me.

Twinmom~

debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, I have had a friend since high school, over thirty years, I call him my brother. He grew up with my husband. We have never had an intimate thing. Though he would I am sure.

But I don't feel that unless I am in love so for me, yes I have been friends with a male a very long time. I hug him and kiss his cheek and pinch his butt in the store when I sneak up behind him. He always turns all red. so it is not really a brother relationship. It is a special kind where sex is not a part of it.

I also had a very dear relationship with my A's brother. We always bumped heads but I loved him so very much. I know he loved me becuz he put up with me. hahaha

Never could have had a non sex thing with my A cuz I was always in love with him.

Love,debilyn

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