Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Lcle2017 · Newbie

Husband not following aftercare plan

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Lcle2017 wrote:
My husband did 45 days of treatment and was so optimistic. I was there for the family portion of the program and he had all of these great plans. Then he comes home and each day seemed to take a step back. Met the IOP but didn't enroll. Has only been to one meeting in a week. He has a strong network that he can reach out to. He's been focusIng on finding a new job (left the family business) but not focusing on himself. I'm so stressed. We have 3 small children. I just want him to get that clarity that he had in treatment.

He was so optimistic? Or you were? He had all these great plans? They were truly his? Because he wanted it? Or was it "rehab speak" as some people call it? Now, these are all rhetorical questions, but I mention them to prompt you to think.

That said, it's really up to him right now. Him. I know you want it -- really badly -- for him to get that clarity, and to get back to all the positive talking, great ideas, plans, and all that great optimism. But, check your motives. It's not about what you want. It is stressful. I've been there, done that. It hurts. I got disappointed...and very scared!

Go to face to face meetings, talk to your sponsor, and start focusing on YOU -- acceptance, letting go, detachment, and so on. Hang in there. You can get through this.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Lcle That is not unusual. Alcoholism a chronic, progressive disease over which we are powerless Alanon is a recovery program for family members,because having lived with the insanity of the disease we have developed negative coping tools, so thatwe too need a program of recovery. As Bo before me has suggested, face to face meetings are held in most communities and I urge you to check the white pages for the times and place. It is here i learned to keep the focus on myself, and developed new tools to llive by
You are not alone and there is hope

shrnp · Senior Member

Hello Lcle2017,
Don't get discouraged, you are doing all that you can right now. Your husband has all the knowledge he learned in treatment and only he can work his program. That is why Alanon is a program for the people who love the alcoholics. You are not alone, many of us have been down that road of treatment and detox and the hope that comes along with it. Alanon helps people to put the focus back on them so they can be healthy and try to live as normal a life as possible. It is a great support network.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi, been where you are...been there done that....it wasn't until i got into alanon that i became focused on ME...ONLY ME and what can I do to be a better me....and let the other spirits learn their lessons , the hard way or the easier way, but they WILL learn or the disease will kill them.....

My A brother has been on his "80 proof sabatical" while my sisters fights for more days of life with cancer...he never called her....sent one lousey text a WHILE ago, and asks me today, "will you tell her I say hello??" I tell hm...You got a phone...You have a voice....do you want me to wipe your butt too???? i told him that HE must do HIS life and take care of HIS crap....hes all guilty because he knows he is a slacker...drinking is more important....I don't let him get to me or stress me out or upset me in anyway....working alanon, I can love him AT A DISTANCE........compassion, but DETACHED....it took work, meetings, working the steps, practicing the slogans to RE program my brain and DAILY work to maintain my emotional sobriety and I have not just him, but I had my daughter, a cocaine addict, NOW clean for 5 plus years...I give thanks each day she is clean...I also know that she could slip...If she does, she will have to work her way back to sobriety on her own...I will not interfere in her lessons........you husband will do what he has to do and there is ZERO you can do about it....the only person you can help is you...I know!! it sucks to see someone you care about killing themselves....personally?? now??? If a person does not want to help themselves and do the work in having a healthy clean life, I cut them loose out of mine....I lost enough years to other's addictions, etc........hang in there...take care of you...work your program and focus on YOU..that is what alanon is for...for US to focus on US, not the drinker....hes an adult..his life is up to him...his issue, not yours.......

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Lcle2017 - welcome to MIP....glad you found us and glad that you shared. I am hopeful that while you were supporting your husband in treatment that the center suggested support/care for you too! As Betty points out, Al-Anon is for family and friends of the alcoholic and gives you tools, support and fellowship to deal/heal from living with the disease.

Without realizing it, we often develop distorted thinking, unrealistic expectations and more just by living with the disease or the diseased. We too need recovery and support. Al-Anon is a gentle program where we share our own ESH (Experience, Strength & Hope) with each other allowing each the dignity to make their own decisions.

I do hope you can find some meetings and try it out. It was a game-changer for me when I was where you are. Please keep coming back - there is hope and help in recovery!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene