The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Let's start with the fact that my long-term live-in girlfriend is a warm, caring, driven, type A person. 99% of the time she is wonderful and then we go to a social function and she can't stop drinking once she has started.
This typically results in having a great time until she hits a very defined tipping point of Jekyll and Hyde proportions. That wonderful woman begins to say the meanest things to me and threatens me without any provocation. She has on occasion hit me, however I have done my best to deal with it over many years.
Two days ago, it escalated. Not only did she hit me, but she also hit another person that was trying to help her and convince her to leave a party. This prompted me to call the police and now I feel unbelievably guilty about it because a family violence conviction could destroy her career.
I am 100% supportive of her, but scared to death of the consequences.
Welcome Mar,
In Alanon we learn to let the alcoholics take responsibility for their behaviors. It is your girlfriend that needs to behave in a way that does not jeopardize her job. Even though alcoholism is a disease it is not an excuse for assaulting other people. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that gets worse with time. Alanon helps people to meet others that have a loved one who is an alcoholic. It teaches people to put the focus back on themselves so we can lead healthy productive lives. I am glad that you found MIP, and I hope that you do not continue to feel guilty about doing something that was important.
((Mar))) i believe it is true that it is always darkest before the dawn - not projecting, but letting the entire incident play out as it should with lawyers interacting on the case, you may find that your fears may prove unfounded. It sounds as if you have examined your motives for taking the action so I would simply let go and let God
Hi, Mar, welcome to the board. I called the police today to check on my ex boyfriend of 12 years. The situation was different, but what is the same is the guilt that my calling cops will inconvenience him... Alanon teaches us the three c's - we didn't cause the alcoholism, we can't control it and we can't cure it. This reminder helped me today... Keep coming back. There's help in this program, I suggest trying some face to face meetings if you haven't attended any yet... Best wishes to you.
Aloha Mark and welcome to the board. Your share brings back so many memories for me in this disease trying to have relationships with women who were alcoholic and alcoholic/addict. Yep I dated addicts and alcoholics and married some too. I Didn't know about alcoholism, the disease. What I knew about was "drunk" from my family of origin and my own life. This is a progressive disease as others have mentioned. Unless totally arrested it can and will only get worse progressing toward death...it is a fatal disease.
Good on you that you didn't let anything get in the way of doing a right thing like letting loyalty stop you from calling the police. I learned how to do that myself and though I also felt the guilt and sadness and other negatives it all worked out fine even though she didn't like it. I can and will get worse believe me and then hopefully this is as bad as it gets for her and you. She may thank you for the intervention.
Alcohol is a mind and mood altering chemical which you have been witnessing. Combined with a compulsion to drink and an allergy to alcohol it makes up the disease called alcoholism, which can never be cured only arrested by total abstinence...however....that part is her part if she self acknowledges that she wants and needs it and then goes to get the help to attain it otherwise it only gets worse.
I hope that the altercation didn't reach a greater violence as it often does. Read back on earlier post and see how far and wide this insanity can get. We live with insanity chemically devised and suffer extreme consequences by it. Since the disease is progressive and you have a 9 year relationship with her I can only imagine from my own experiences what has happened in that time
I have some suggestions for you to check out as you care. One is to keep coming here to MIP and to keep participating with this family. We are, the majority, members of the Al-Anon Family Groups who have learned what real sanity is whether the alcoholic or addict continues to use and drink or not. We have learned many many things about self focus and self love and care and how to allow our alcoholics to be responsible for their own outcomes whatever they are. Keep coming back because this works when you work it. (((hugs)))
Two days ago, it escalated. Not only did she hit me, but she also hit another person that was trying to help her and convince her to leave a party. This prompted me to call the police and now I feel unbelievably guilty about it because a family violence conviction could destroy her career.
I am 100% supportive of her, but scared to death of the consequences.
I wold have called the police too...this woman is gonna hurt someone if she is not held responsible.....sounds to me like major anger issues that come out when drinking....AND if she does not get into recovery (voluntary or forced by the court) she will continue to drink...get worse...get likely more violent and her career will get trashed anyway.....YOU are NOT guilty of doing anything to her career if she ends up losing it.....WHO started this story??? WHO wrote the script and picked the actors??? SHE did....SHE is responsible and noone else for this police intervention.....
NOW..that said...what about you??? she has impacted your life with her drinking...you are feeling guilty over HER destructive actions....I know...been there..done that...I had to call teh cops on my violent Ex AH and HE blamed ME for his job putting him on repromand/probation ...well who caused it??? not me...I was protecting me but in those days, yea, he "guilted" me into thinking "well YOU screwed up my job position"
NOW, i look back, after workng the steps, getting into meetings, working the slogans, reading the literature and REclaiming ME, I see that I was obsessed over him and focused on him and not ME...the one I CAN help and restore....
letting your alcoholic face her consequences was the best gift you could give to her...You didn't rob her of the lessons she needs to make better choices in life.....NOT calling the cops, she would think "oh i have no problems, " and maybe the NEXT person she hits is killed......letting them face their consequences allows them to, if they have any sense at all, to see that "yea, I have a problem...I need help"
My A Brother got in trouble...driving drunk and crazily...neighbor and best friend called the police...he called me up crying b/c he got "R" in "trouble" I asked "S" WHO started this?? WHO was jeopardizing other's safety driving crazy and irratic, DRUNK????? yea, bro ended up in jail..lost his license pending 90 days of AA meetings...he had to show a signed receipt or something that he DID , INDEED go to meets....sadly he didn't stick wtih it.....he stayed sober that 90 days, won his license back and was good for a while, then back to drinking....HE chose NOT to learn his lesson...so the next one??? will be even harder b/e #1 he has that on his record #2 if we dnt' learn the first time around, the karma gets heavier and heavier until we CRASH!!!!
you may have saved her from her own destruction..........
think about what you can do for you....let her reap what she has sown.....please, keep posting here, come to our online meets if you can't find any face to face meets and please get a book on the 12 steps and work it..hopefully with a sponsor or recovery partner....whether you see it or not, we ALL when long term living with or being related to alcoholics, we are ALL impacted by this cursed disease....but ya know?? recovery is a choice....drinking is a choice...my brother could CHOOSE freedom in AA.....I chose freedom in Alanon.......life is a choice....we get chances to turn our lives around all the time...its up to us to take it....I choose to take freedom and being emotionally sober.....you can do it too.....I'm glad you came here......IN SUPPORT
Mark - I too send warm welcomes to you. I also understand the guilt - I've had to phone the police enough times that they know our first names. The good news is the action/consequence process did slow down the need to make the call, and my boundary was put firmly in place. It did stink as the process was unfolding and some was before Al-Anon and some after.
It is very hard at times to do the right thing. It became easier as I worked my program and found myself again - that included what I could tolerate and what I would not tolerate. What I found time and time again was the guilt I felt for taking action and the fear I felt for the potential consequences were masks at time for profound sadness that I could not influence a change in those I love who have this disease.
For many alcoholics, the first drink triggers an inability to stop consuming. It is a disease and it's powerful. I hope you take care of you and consider visiting some Al-Anon meetings - it was there I found support, understanding and tools to deal with and heal from the disease.
Keep coming back - glad you are here!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
i just want to say I totally relate. Just called the police in my AH of almost 7 years (together 10) - he just crossed the line of violence for the first time in may and I made a decision to call on the second incident. I feel crushed that I had to make that decision and also feel worried about his job and his life. But that is part of our problem and why we are in these unhealthy relationships, because we are always trying to manage the consequences in other people's lives and feel responsible. its difficult when there is still some good stuff that you will miss, but I always remind myself I really wouldn't have been happier if I waited for things to become all bad, and that was the direction that things were going in. My AH has some mandated alcohol assessment and treatment from this, and hopefully he takes it and that is now up to him. Good luck and don't feel guilty.
i just want to say I totally relate. Just called the police in my AH of almost 7 years (together 10) - he just crossed the line of violence for the first time in may and I made a decision to call on the second incident. I feel crushed that I had to make that decision and also feel worried about his job and his life. But that is part of our problem and why we are in these unhealthy relationships, because we are always trying to manage the consequences in other people's lives and feel responsible. its difficult when there is still some good stuff that you will miss, but I always remind myself I really wouldn't have been happier if I waited for things to become all bad, and that was the direction that things were going in. My AH has some mandated alcohol assessment and treatment from this, and hopefully he takes it and that is now up to him. Good luck and don't feel guilty.
WOW, Vicki....very powerful and insightful post....thanks...and glad you are here
