The material presented
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Today is Sunday. Like the past several Sundays a said he would show up for church, but then didn't. Wasn't surprised!!! Just see him slipping away more and more everyday and it hurts so bad. When I think that just about 1 yr. ago--April 5th he checked himself into rehab. He had 3 completely sober months. Then he went back to drinking and that led back to the drugs. He gave up the booze in September, but the drugs he can't let go of. He is starting to pawn things more and more. He pawned his skill saw that I gave to him as a Christmas present (stupid me), but I didn't help him get it out of the pawn shop because I thought I already bought the sucker once why should I have to keep buying it back. Now I found out he pawned the bandsaw my dad gave him after Christmas. I keep checking under our bad expecting his guns to be gone one day.
It just makes me so mad, they give up everything for the booze or drugs and they just can't see it.
He is pushing further and further away from me. Almost goes out of his way not to touch me--not angrily or anything like that more of just making sure there is distance and he is shutting me out.
We sit there in the same room and I just see the pain. He has stopped apologizing for using, we really haven't talked about it in the last 3-4 weeks. I know you guys understand, but I still feel so alone! The man I love is hurting and sick and I just have to sit back and watch him kill himself--so I had to get out and come up to work so I could come here.
I wish he wanted help. I wish he wanted to live. I am so scared that he is going to choose to die. I am scared that our relationship will just with him not caring about me at all--I know that's an a--they don't care about anyone but themselves, but when you see a glimpse of them and what they can be when sober it is so hard going back! At least for me it is! I miss the fun, the talking, the time together. I miss my husband!!!!!
Just trying to make it through the day. Thanks for listening!
I understand exactly what you are saying and feeling. I often tell my husband that I miss my friend. I miss the man I married. I think catching a glimpse of the man I miss is harder than just thinking he is gone forever. It is much harder going back.
My A has not been sober in years, but I still remember before the drinking got really bad, the man he was. That's the man I fell in love with. And I miss him. I miss my friend. There's a song by that name. It makes me cry.
My husband is not living with me right now, he packed up some clothes and left 5 weeks ago. We have only talked a few times, and he send emails. Sometimes comes by the house on his way to work in the morning to leave notes. Sometimes mean, sometimes not. He is very angry with me, because I tried to force him into AA last year by pressing charges.
I know now that I am sick. My thinking is distorted. I am trying to work on myself. That is all I can do. It is very, very hard to watch someone you love kill themselves. And they don't care that you care. Keep coming here, hudson. We need each other.
Dawn you know I sure relate. All that matters is he gets the drug he needs whatever that is. My A has NO tools left. Plus he and his A friend borrowed tools from someone and hocked them too!
I missed my husband for a long, long time. Now I forgot how it felt to love him and have him here. All he is now is a walking disease, and he begs for drugs and money. That is all he wants.
I feel for you so much. I could not live like you do anymore.
If you can, or maybe you do already, find out what you are into. What do you like to do?What gives you pleasure and what is your passion?
Maybe go to the library and drag home a bunch of books of photos. Art books. I love to look at books of paintings.
I have binoculars and watch birds. Just takes me away some. I love to clean house. I also like to brush my hairy mutts and groom my horse. Makes me forget everything. I think the best one I have is spraying off the back deck. All I can hear is the water.
This summer I am priming and painting my front and side deck. I also garden. These things make me stop looking at the A anymore.
I was where you are, I decided to have my own bedroom. I did not want to watch it anymore. I needed my own sanctuary. No one can make us watch them destroy themselves.
please do for you. YOU are so worth it. love,debilyn
What you say reminds me so much of how it was for me - he was not drinking too bad, but drugging hard, and it was just so dam sad. Drifting away, killing himself slowly, and he had so much to live for! I was OK as long as I didn't let myself remember what a great guy he used to be. Now he's sober three years, and its pretty good, but I think he lost something of himself in that time that just will never come back. Joy, gusto, zest - it's just gone. He's damaged - like a teacup that's been glued together. Always just a little fragile. I hate this disease.
Dawn, I completely relate and understand. It broke my heart time and time again. I ended up recognising that I couldn't help my A, that I was contributing to the problem and knew I couldn't just sit by helpless and hopeless and watch him kill himself. Sadly, we separated. It was the hardest decision I ever made but it turned out to be the best one for us.
I didn't know of Al-anon at the time so had no program or coping skills. Both my A and myself thought he was beyond hope and help. A year later I found Al-anon and began to work a program but due to circumstances in his life, which had repercussions in mine, I initiated a divorce when I only had 3months recovery. I wasn't told not to make any major decisions in the first 6months/year of recovery until after! Oops.
We did stay in contact though. He told me he saw changes in me and when I explained it was the program/steps and they had the same ones in AA apparently he began to believe that maybe there was hope for him yet. It took him another year before he tried AA but he went back out. Another year later he tried again. He had intermittent sobriety in that year and he also lost his Dad to the disease but kept going back. He had a taste of life without drugs and alcohol and knew of the program and received a lot of support from his fellowships. He now has 2yrs 6months totally clean and sober.
In the meantime I continued to attend Al-Anon and work on my recovery and my life (to the best of my ability and understanding). We are now reconciled. (I had to do a lot of work on my guilt for abandoning him while he was sick when he had stood by me through my medical illness and also I struggled with knowing I had broken our wedding vows; for better for worse, in sickness and in health.) Early recovery wasn't easy either but one day at a time we are rebuilding our lives, rediscovering ourselves and each other. Its certainly not 'perfect' and it probably never will be but it was for us a miracle and beyond our wildest dreams.
I've shared my ESH with you to try to offer you some hope. It maybe won't lessen your grief or loneliness but know you are not alone and please don't give up hope.
I think whether the disease takes over or there is recovery there is a process that can't be shorten. As painful as it is to watch I think that that is the only way A's will hit their bottom. And while we are watching them we quit working on ourselves and we suffer to. I am learning to stay out of my A's way so he can feel his own pain and suffer his own consequences. Take care of yourself and keep coming back.
