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I haven't posted in a while. Things have been very rocky with my alcoholic partner for a long time now, probably always, but there used to be some nice times which have gotten fewer and further between over the last year, whether he is drinking or not. I have been attending al-anon for a long time and really working on building up my inner strength and my own life apart from him over the last nine months, knowing I need to separate. We don't live together, but live on the same estate in a very small town. Things have really come to a head in the last month, he has just started his second binge in that length of time, the first one was cut short by constant throwing up caused by a recurrence of stomach ulcers which he got treatment for, so was ready to go again. We are both saying it's over, to him, I'm the problem, to me the disease is the problem. There is nothing good left, and still I am struggling with letting go. I am ashamed to admit that I sat parked outside the bar where his van was at tonight, to see if he was with another woman. He wasn't, but he normally drinks at home and has been going to the pub a lot the last few weeks so I know that's on the cards. Pure compulsive obsession on my part. I hate what this disease has done to me. Then I sent a couple of texts asking who is she.
I have now switched off my phone and am posting here because I have to confess my own insanity to people who might understand. I don't want the relationship, or at least, not without recovery and there's no sign of that. I know I can only do my own recovery. I don't want anyone else to have him after all the work I put into it, not yet, I'm not ready yet, but I know I'm powerless over that too. In some ways it might be a blessing if he did meet someone else, it might really finalise it for me. God help her, but he'd probably be nice for a while, like he was with me. Sorry, I sound bitter, I feel bitter. I don't ever want to do that again, sit outside a bar like a stalker, I have never done it before and I'm fifty years old. I don't know what he or his disease has done to my mind. Please pray for me. Thanks and thanks for reading.
Sarah - so sorry for the pain you are having as a result of the disease. My hope is your share has given you some freedom - for me, when I 'spill it' out, it seems to lesson the emotions....sending you prayers and tons of positive thoughts.
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I haven't posted in a while. Things have been very rocky with my alcoholic partner for a long time now, probably always, but there used to be some nice times which have gotten fewer and further between over the last year, whether he is drinking or not. I have been attending al-anon for a long time and really working on building up my inner strength and my own life apart from him over the last nine months, knowing I need to separate. We don't live together, but live on the same estate in a very small town. Things have really come to a head in the last month, he has just started his second binge in that length of time, the first one was cut short by constant throwing up caused by a recurrence of stomach ulcers which he got treatment for, so was ready to go again. We are both saying it's over, to him, I'm the problem, to me the disease is the problem. There is nothing good left, and still I am struggling with letting go. I am ashamed to admit that I sat parked outside the bar where his van was at tonight, to see if he was with another woman. He wasn't, but he normally drinks at home and has been going to the pub a lot the last few weeks so I know that's on the cards. Pure compulsive obsession on my part. I hate what this disease has done to me. Then I sent a couple of texts asking who is she. I have now switched off my phone and am posting here because I have to confess my own insanity to people who might understand. I don't want the relationship, or at least, not without recovery and there's no sign of that. I know I can only do my own recovery. I don't want anyone else to have him after all the work I put into it, not yet, I'm not ready yet, but I know I'm powerless over that too. In some ways it might be a blessing if he did meet someone else, it might really finalise it for me. God help her, but he'd probably be nice for a while, like he was with me. Sorry, I sound bitter, I feel bitter. I don't ever want to do that again, sit outside a bar like a stalker, I have never done it before and I'm fifty years old. I don't know what he or his disease has done to my mind. Please pray for me. Thanks and thanks for reading.
I hear you. Very loud and clear. So, welcome, you are in the right place here -- as the people here know exactly what you are feeling, going through, etc., as many of us have felt and been through the same thing. This is an enigmatic, insidious, baffling, confusing, decimating and progressive disease -- the disease he has, alcoholism, and the disease/sickness you have as well. You refer to..."I don't know what he or his disease has done to my mind. Please pray for me." Well, it's you who is doing this to your mind. This is all about you. He's doing what he's doing. He's not doing it to you. You took those actions -- no one made you or forced you to. You hate what this disease has done to you -- it is up to you to stop what it's doing to you. You reference your own insanity...OK...so now stop. Focus on YOU.
Start with acceptance. Immerse yourself in it. Talk to your sponsor, every single day, and work on YOU and acceptance. Surrender to everything you are feeling and then it will no longer have to consume you. YOU don't have to let it consume YOU. You reference "whether he is drinking or not" -- and that's where you can learn to see and learn what is unhealthy for you. You know you need to separate, and it's over, and that you don't want the relationship (at least, not without recovery, and he's made it clear he is not interested in that) -- but you don't want anyone else to have him after all the work I put into it, you're not ready yet, etc. -- and you won't let go. That is your sickness. After acceptance, surrender, etc. -- you will learn you absolutely can let go. And you will. When you want to. It is up to you. Start focusing on YOU -- not him, the disease, the ulcers, another woman, what he's doing, and so on. Start working on YOU, and you and sponsor can start now. You will get better.
When the pain of stopping doing what you are doing -- is greater -- than the pain of continuing doing what you are doing...that is when you will stop.
When the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving...that is when you will leave.
All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Welcome home Sarah and thanks for that very courageous and honest share...I felt it and felt empathetic as a result.
Change is seemingly impossible...it took many lessons to be able to do change without second guessing myself and relapsing on the original condition. Learning how to "Let Go and Let God" and leave myself to that condition is one of the most important growths in my recovery. I can leave without looking over my shoulder to see what may or may not be happening or if she was looking back and wanting me to return. Awesome. I was also awesome to leave while feeling love...rocket science!!
Yes you are going thru obsession and that is temporary. After you do the work it will be over and you will exercise your smile 24/7....((((hugs))))
Sarah - so sorry for the pain you are having as a result of the disease. My hope is your share has given you some freedom - for me, when I 'spill it' out, it seems to lesson the emotions....sending you prayers and tons of positive thoughts.
I could not say it better, Sarah, then Iamhere just wrote I just want to add that we put so much into our qualifiers that we feel we "invested" in them and we want some sort of return, but it never is gonna happen with an active alkie...time to, as Kenny Rogers sang "know when to hold them....know when to fold them...know when to walk away...Know when to run" OR words to that affect.....when I am in a bad, losing card game, sometimes its best to cut my losses...cry...vent...and work on me so I can let go and stop the losses from accumulating..........sending you PEACE vibrations......hugs of support....hang in there and hang with us...we will support you
I've done similarly insane snoopy things. Glad you came here meetings? Break the habit, do something for you, have a place to go. Sometimes, its the mere act of showering,dressing, walking to a meeting that shifts my headspace. Bringing a plate of sandwiches, cake, sometimes. I like the social ritual as much as I need the meeting. Sometimes I don't particularly gel with personalities but I'm always happy to brush hair, add lip gloss, leave the house and its hassles, make my black sugarless coffee and sit, sipping it. I feel as if I'm all put together even before the meeting begins! Its nice to feel together in some way, because unchecked this disease is crazy making. Sending you big hugs.
Thanks everybody for the supportive and helpful responses, they were great to wake up to after what was not a great night's sleep but a few hours anyway. I know everything you all said is true, powerlessness, acceptance, surrender, etc. I know I need to do something about me. I wasn't expecting such an intense reaction in myself because I have really been off him and not wanting to be around him for the last six months. But it has been a very intense relationship. I never felt as loved as he sometimes made me feel and no one ever treated me as badly as he did either, and like I said, I haven't been seeing so much of the love lately. And I just ran out of steam. Maybe the disease has progressed in the four years we have been together or maybe he just can't be bothered anymore, or maybe, in spite of the insane stalking behaviour last night, I am actually getting better and just can't tolerate the negativity and the disrespect and attempts to control and all the other stuff that goes on, especially when he is not drinking. The last couple of years have certainly ended the fantasy that if only he would stop drinking, all would be well. And I'm not perfect, but I tried hard to work on my behaviour, to use the al-anon tools in the relationship but no matter what I did, it wasn't working, there was always something.
So it's back to the drawing board. How can I help myself? I will try to arrange to meet my sponsor today. I will try to get to a meeting tonight. I will set some bottom lines, things I will not do because they feel wrong or feed the obsession and lead no place good. I will try to think of some top lines too, things to do because they feel right and feed my recovery and well being. Thanks all.
Thanks everybody for the supportive and helpful responses, they were great to wake up to after what was not a great night's sleep but a few hours anyway. I know everything you all said is true, powerlessness, acceptance, surrender, etc. I know I need to do something about me. I wasn't expecting such an intense reaction in myself because I have really been off him and not wanting to be around him for the last six months. But it has been a very intense relationship. I never felt as loved as he sometimes made me feel and no one ever treated me as badly as he did either, and like I said, I haven't been seeing so much of the love lately. And I just ran out of steam. Maybe the disease has progressed in the four years we have been together or maybe he just can't be bothered anymore, or maybe, in spite of the insane stalking behaviour last night, I am actually getting better and just can't tolerate the negativity and the disrespect and attempts to control and all the other stuff that goes on, especially when he is not drinking. The last couple of years have certainly ended the fantasy that if only he would stop drinking, all would be well. And I'm not perfect, but I tried hard to work on my behaviour, to use the al-anon tools in the relationship but no matter what I did, it wasn't working, there was always something.
So it's back to the drawing board. How can I help myself? I will try to arrange to meet my sponsor today. I will try to get to a meeting tonight. I will set some bottom lines, things I will not do because they feel wrong or feed the obsession and lead no place good. I will try to think of some top lines too, things to do because they feel right and feed my recovery and well being. Thanks all.
Good for you! Just focus on YOU. Nothing about him, the relationship, etc. It's the "distraction" that gets you facing, looking, and potentially moving in the unhealthy direction. You are doing everything healthy for you -- just for today -- meeting with your sponsor, a meeting, etc. Just look at the obsession itself as your step one, acceptance, surrender, etc. You are powerless over the obsession. Your life has become unmanageable. Don't fight it. Accept it...and then surrender. I hope you will find it will lose it's power to dominate your thinking and your life. It does not and you won't let it consume you.
You know your health and well being is what is most important to you. That's your focus. Also, do your readings, constantly if need be. I broke the spine on C2C when I was "in it" as you are. Focus on YOU. Focus on your sleep, eating, resting, digestion, hydration, etc. YOU are already making progress...and YOU are getting better.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I'm sorry sorcha. I hope you feel in a little better place emotionally now since reading responses and with some time passing. It takes courage to admit these behaviors about ourselves. You're not alone. I relate to looking for my exah to see what he was doing and worrying he would leave me for another woman. It took a professional to point out the obvious to me. My husband was married to alcohol and drugs not to me. Logically, I could understand this but I also feared he'd get sober, dump me and someone else would get the "good" him that I thought I rightly deserved after all I believed I'd been through with him. After all, I was the one that stuck it out with him and kept investing in his potential.
It sounds like you're making a decision to take care of yourself by making a geographical move away from him. If you believe that will help you then that might be a good thing to do. It was something that helped me but I also had to combine it with lots of Alanon meetings and working the steps in order for the obsession to lift. I'm sure you already know what we say in Alanon. "Wherever I go, there I am." You would think it was natural to feel ok about taking such a drastic action like moving away to honor my own life and take care of myself but I felt very sad and guilty about it. Thankfully, meetings, higher power and working the steps helped me to sort all of it out.
Thank you for sharing. Keep coming back. Wishing you the best as you continue to make positive changes. ((hugs))) TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
I had some really great conversations with some girlfriends this weekend about the common denominator was why do I cause myself pain knowing the end result is the same. The whole pain part of the deal .. it's awful what I have done to me in the "name of love" .. obsession yes .. love .. ehe .. up for debate.
I remember when I was splitting with my XAH (the first one) and kept asking for a sign .. I would totally get one .. someone getting high in front of you is a sign I would say .. LOL .. however I kept digging for another one because it's just what you said .. I wasn't ready to let go.
GFU that you are taking care of you and doing what is necessary to move forward .. these are not easy steps .. and I think it's perfectly rational behavior in an insane situation to want to know for sure it's over .. and only you can decide when enough is enough .. keep taking care of you and keep coming back .. these situations are never easy.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sarah - lovely plan!! I still don't fully understand how everything works but do know my best days are when I focus on me, my wants and my needs. There's a peace/calm that arrives and it's just much less emotional. Continued prayers and positive thoughts for the journey!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I can be and act and feel completely in control of me, happy and flowing. Then im around a qualifier and bye bye serenity! Pick you up again later!
If I let my alanon guard down it ends in insanity every time.
Youre so not alone.
Xo
I can be and act and feel completely in control of me, happy and flowing. Then im around a qualifier and bye bye serenity! Pick you up again later! If I let my alanon guard down it ends in insanity every time. Youre so not alone. Xo
You and me BOTH: guard thy heart with all thy vigilence isn't that in the good book???? its so true...if I let my apartment get empty (my life bereft of my program) a bad tenent always moves in.....
Thanks everyone. Well I have found that my instincts are good. He has been texting another woman. And lying through his teeth to me about it today. I don't know what I feel. Anger. Relief. A bit of shock and don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow when it sinks in. I know I haven't been there, have been telling him for weeks now that I can't deal with it as it is anymore, but instead of doing what it would take to make things work he went back to the bottle and is chasing someone else. I feel like I've wasted four years of my life and I'm not sure what the lessons have been but I'm sure they will become clearer in time. The one thing I don't feel like is fighting for him. Thank God.
Thanks everyone. Well I have found that my instincts are good. He has been texting another woman. And lying through his teeth to me about it today. I don't know what I feel. Anger. Relief. A bit of shock and don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow when it sinks in. I know I haven't been there, have been telling him for weeks now that I can't deal with it as it is anymore, but instead of doing what it would take to make things work he went back to the bottle and is chasing someone else. I feel like I've wasted four years of my life and I'm not sure what the lessons have been but I'm sure they will become clearer in time. The one thing I don't feel like is fighting for him. Thank God.
BOOY it didnt' take him long to find another one didn't it???? Just tell yourself, when you feel weak, that THIS is what you meant to him.....lies...cheating...drinking....oh active alcoholics who don't even love themselves enough to give anything but pain and misery......gotta love em!!! AT A DISTANCE!!!!!! and you did not waste 4 years....IF you learned from this lesson....the steps will help you figure that out....there is a message/lesson in this....it will repeat unless you face it..deal with it...work through the inner child pain work with it.......I know......been there.....done that.......your not alone.....be grateful that you didn't marry him.....and have kids!!!! ohhh my!!! and like you said "thank God".....
So sorry. That's the crazy making thing, ones instincts are strong, yet lies flow, so we go looking to find truth. For myself, when my husband was unfaithful or putting himself in prime positions to be so ( seriously. What an egg! Lol), it hurt me because it felt deeply personal. Like I wasn't .... or ..... enough. (Pretty, domestic, sexy, fun , interesting bla bla insert whatever characteristic). But, once I fully realised it wasn't any kind of reflection on me, wasn't actually even anything to do with me, I saw it for what it was and it stopped hurting.
I realised this was an alcoholic, l know exactly what he's like when he's drunk, and that he chases highs whether its food, women, drugs, alcohol.
My mother put it into clearer perspective. " darling, these women are bar flies. You know what that scene is and you must surely know that is nothing to do with who and what you are".
And once it was pointed out, I did indeed know. No more pain.
Self respect started kicking in and it acts itself out once you have it.
Keep coming back Sorcha.
Thanks everyone. Well I have found that my instincts are good. He has been texting another woman. And lying through his teeth to me about it today. I don't know what I feel. Anger. Relief. A bit of shock and don't know how I'm going to feel tomorrow when it sinks in. I know I haven't been there, have been telling him for weeks now that I can't deal with it as it is anymore, but instead of doing what it would take to make things work he went back to the bottle and is chasing someone else. I feel like I've wasted four years of my life and I'm not sure what the lessons have been but I'm sure they will become clearer in time. The one thing I don't feel like is fighting for him. Thank God.
Try to focus on YOU. Not him. Everything about your thinking, feeling, etc. -- is about him. What he does should not dictate anything about you. Perhaps it does now. But...you can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Those words are from the opening of various al-anon meetings, and while it may not make sense or apply to you -- it is true. YOU can be happy, independent of the alcoholic, H, Ex-H, BF, Ex-BF, whatever.
FOCUS ON YOU. Anything about him -- even feeling a certain way because of him -- is a distraction, and while you may have that going on now, that's OK. Accept, surrender, and let go. Talk to your sponsor about this and you will be able to let it go. Keep doing what you are doing and keep moving forward.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Try to focus on YOU. Not him. Everything about your thinking, feeling, etc. -- is about him. What he does should not dictate anything about you. Perhaps it does now. But...you can find contentment, even happiness, whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not. Those words are from the opening of various al-anon meetings, and while it may not make sense or apply to you -- it is true. YOU can be happy, independent of the alcoholic, H, Ex-H, BF, Ex-BF, whatever.
FOCUS ON YOU. Anything about him -- even feeling a certain way because of him -- is a distraction, and while you may have that going on now, that's OK. Accept, surrender, and let go. Talk to your sponsor about this and you will be able to let it go. Keep doing what you are doing and keep moving forward.
I 2nd this....try to focus on YOU and you can do that if you immerse yourself in the program and if you can't find a decent sponsor, hook up with a recovery partner...maybe if you see someone on this board in a similiar situation, maybe you could send them private message to work recovery together....I did it and I found a great partner and friend.....but when you catch yourself thinking about him, TELL yourself, "OK...i forgive myself for this distraction..this unhealthy thought...but I am commited to moving forward" then FIND some alanon literature to read, work a step....come to our meets...if you are focused on you and recovery, you CANT think of him...the mind, when totally focused on the NOW, will BE in the now....it will wander, but forgive it and gently bring it back to YOU....deep breathing, focusing on your breath, ask youself....what do I see??? what do I smell???? feel??? hear????? that will help you focus on the now
Oh thanks again, sleepless night, trying to get my head around it, but I do know it's nothing to do with me, apart maybe from the fact that I have pulled back in a big way, haven't been available as much as he might like, haven't been controllable and as easily manipulated as I used to be, and that's a good thing, right?! And I no longer feel, as I might have in the past that there is anything deficient about me. Just that the disease is insatiable and tyrannical. I know the woman to say hello too, seems a nice woman, possibly an alcoholic too, definitely a big drinker and maybe a better match than me, a recovering addict. And I believe there's a better match out there for me too, in time. It's a bit scary, facing the grief and the finality, and being alone, but I know I will get through it.
I so agree with a4l - go you!!! Your post reminded me of the three A(s) - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I think when times are troubled, we often think we are not 'successful' in our recovery. What others who came before me suggest is that because we are working recovery, we get through these times and find 'us' upright on the other side. It doesn't feel good going through it, but there is a sense of satisfaction when we do get closer to the other side, and see that we are still upright and often better than expected!
So - just for today - Go You!!! Sending positive thoughts and prayers your way!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
As I was reading, and thinking -- another thing I experienced with "the obsession" is that I needed to shift, change and alter my thinking. I was certainly in the stinking thinking mode. Automatically and innately, stinking thinking. I had to have a paradigm shift in my thinking, reaction, etc. When triggered, I needed to completely change the direction me and my mind/thinking would go in.
Regardless of whether it was a trigger, HALT, me, whatever -- when it happened -- instead of thinking HER...I had to think ME. ME. I had to focus on me. Instead of thinking, where is she, who is she with, she must not have ever loved me, what we had must not have been special at all based upon what she's doing, I got played, taken advantage of, I kept silent too long, and so on -- instead of all that, I had to completely shift my thinking and reaction, which would then have me facing and moving in another, a healthy, direction.
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional. Acceptance -- accept the feelings, it's OK to feel that way. Then surrender to them. Surrender to the fact that you are feeling it and go through it. You can't go around it, over it, under it...you have to go through it. Then it won't consume you...and you can let it go.
One day at a time...and sometimes...One minute at a time.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
meetings? Break the habit, do something for you, have a place to go. Sometimes, its the mere act of showering,dressing, walking to a meeting that shifts my headspace. Bringing a plate of sandwiches, cake, sometimes. I like the social ritual as much as I need the meeting. Sometimes I don't particularly gel with personalities but I'm always happy to brush hair, add lip gloss, leave the house and its hassles, make my black sugarless coffee and sit, sipping it. I feel as if I'm all put together even before the meeting begins! Its nice to feel together in some way, because unchecked this disease is crazy making. Sending you big hugs.