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Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a while, things have been tense and strained and I haven't had a lot to say. My AH has been trying I guess, but things felt broken after he was physical with me in may for the first time. I was working everything over in my head and was ready to make a move and call the police if anything happened again. He started to get physically aggressive with me again a few days ago. I got home late after being away for a few days - he couldn't stop talking about how excited he was to see us, but instead he wasn't here when I arrived home and showed up drunk later on. He harassed me in bed and woke us up, once again while my daughter was there. He really frightened her and I said I would call the police if he touched me again, he didn't leave and I called the police and he has been removed from our home. I'm dreading his coming to the house tomorrow to collect his stuff (with police) unfortunately I have to be here. I just wondered if anyone had any tips for dealing with the anxiety and unpleasantness that comes with this abrupt change. Definitely not regretting my choice - I am crushed and sad but also relieved that this winding nightmare is over. Any tips for finding your footing after pushing the detonate button on everything in your life? I feel like everything changed so fast and I am heartbroken this is where we ended up even though I saw it coming. :(
((Vicki)) Alanon face to face meetings held in most communities helped me to regain my self esteem and develop new tools to live by. If your hubby is coming to the home with a police escort, i would be polite, and detached and allow him to get his belongings and then come here and share.
I'm so sorry that you've had this experience, it is shocking when we are attacked, even when we see it coming. It is good to read that you are feeling relief as well.
I think that if I had a visit like that coming up I would try to plan something nice and restorative to do after they leave - it wouldn't need to be fancy, just doable - it could be a delicious slice of cake and tea or a movie, but I think it would help me to stay grounded and less likely to react to whatever came up if I had an appointment with myself that involved something lovely and comforting. We will be here with recuperative hugs as well. If you'd like to have a friend with you it is ok to ask a favour me-thinks.
"This too shall pass" is the Al Anon phrase that comes to mind.
PS . "Dignity" is a word that I try to keep in mind when I'm going through a testing situation!
I have monitored situations such as this in the past as a therapist in a rehab and the best way I've seen is to let the police guide the journey and stand within reach of them, which ever officer is in the lead. You do not and ought not make connection with him. Keep it simple and let go and let God (of your own understanding). Yes do come back and let us know how it came out. ((((hugs))))
Hi, (((Vicki))). I left my x-abf's apartment almost 1,5 months ago, afterwards we agreed to stay together but live separately. He just proposed separating a few days ago and so we did. I'm getting my stuff from his place next week. I was posting here on MIP a couple of days ago about it, and I think I know now why I also felt like I've pushed a detonate button on my life - because all my projections/expectations/hopes about my future involved my x-abf, and now it all turns out to be invalid. My plan a for life failed, and I never had plan b. I'm much less confused now, and I see the wisdom of living One day at a time... This also prevents me from building sandcastles about my future, cuz there's no way I can predict future... I'm still grieving a little though, about the future I never had. I'm starting to think it wasn't the detonate button after all, but rather Reset. You just have to go through it to get to the other side... Keep coming back.
(((Vicki))) - the good news is it will not be an all day event as the police will keep things moving and intervene if anything goes sideways. I'm sending you tons of prayers and positive thoughts. Love the ESH above me - put you first, detach as best you can and trust the process. Please keep coming back!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Hi everyone, turns out I don't have to be home while he comes to the house, which is a huge relief. I was dreading not knowing if he would be shooting daggers at me, or making me feel guilty with an apologetic glance. Also his friend who is acting between us to organize him visiting our daughter has been great so far. I will be putting the legal separation together this week, I just feel so shocked it ended so fast and I'm kind of reeling trying to process what everything means. It's a relief and it's just so so sad at the same time. Thanks for your responses and thoughts. I'm going to start seeing a therapist this week as well and hopefully I can try and find my way out of this dark place.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers Vicki.....take good care of you!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Have a friend there -- a friend from program, your sponsor, someone. I am sure a person from program would be willing to be with you and give you the support you could certainly use during the visit and after.
What you did, in calling the police -- was so very brave. I admire and respect you very much. And, it was necessary and the right thing to do.
All the best.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
you can do it..i did 1.6 yrs ago..with help of alanon,the board,my good pal at alanon and myself. you will be surprised how strong you are. be good to yourself and realize that you will go through emotional stages similar to mourning. you will also be aware of new joys as [peace,quiet,better sleep,able to do,eat,watch etc whateever you want. feel free to private message me via board
good for you,wishing you safety, joy]
One step at a time, I agree have a friend with you it helps. Your safety and that of your daughter's is first and foremost the rest will sort itself out.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this and going through all of this garbage however there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I do look at situations like this as the God of my understanding doing for me what I could not do for myself. Taking care of you first is always the right answer.
Big hugs .. S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
You sound like you are doing a good job of one step in front of the other, and taking those first steps for yourself gets us started really well. Brava! Thank you so much for the update, you've been in my thoughts. xx
