The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
The daily reading today discusses 'chronic scorekeeping'. The author suggests that with each conflict, there needed to be an at fault person and blame assigning was the norm. The thinking applied included assigning blame, and this caused perpetual defensiveness and anxiety.
In recovery, we learn that disputes happen, even when everyone is doing their best. Obsessively reviewing everyone's behavior focuses attention where it does not belong and keeps us to busy to have real serenity. We learn instead to focus on any part we played, and if mistakes were made, we are free to make amends.
Recovery teaches us that conflict is not always an indication something is wrong. Difficulties just come up at times, and it's OK for people to just disagree!
Today's Reminder -- Today I accept that each life has its share of conflict. It is not my job to document every such incident. Instead of wringing my hands and pointing my finger, I can consider the possibility that everything is happening exactly as it should. Sometimes, blame is just an excuse to keep busy so that I don't have to feel the discomfort of my powerlessness.
Today's Quote from Josiah G. Holland -- "The mind grows by what it feeds on."
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I was a perpetual scorekeeper before recovery. I could tell you each/every fault and incident my people had done!!! I did such a good job, I could throw it back into one's face faster than they could collect their thoughts. I rarely forgot an event and made sure to pile them on top of each other in my mind so I could deflect any blame from me. The whole 'right/wrong' and blame/shame game may have come from FOO - not sure, but it was a huge way of my living.
I found it so true that this style of tracking all that happened caused great stress, anxiety and worry. Because I could not let go of the past and tended to assume what happened before would repeat itself (or be worse), my spiritual program was pfffffttttttt....
It took using all the program tools available and tons of practice to retrain my mind that conflict is not bad; it's just what it is - disagreement. Using the steps as well as leaning into a spiritual journey helps me truly focus on one day at a time, letting go of all I possibly can each night while I review my day.
Allowing myself and others to disagree and be imperfect has a calming affect. Letting my mind focus on what I can learn instead of who was at fault keeps me open to grow, learn and change. I'm so glad I no longer have to track and focus on what others did/are doing wrong. My life seems much easier when I stay in my own lane!
Happy Friday to one and all - make it a great day! Off to the eye doctor shortly to see if my left eye-sight is any better....prayers that I can return to contacts would be nice (selfish prayer this AM) - it's been a strange week not being able to focus...(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good Morning IAH Love the Quote:"The mind grows by what it feeds on". Prior to program and my working the steps, I could readily identify with the mind set of" keeping score" This fueled my"passive aggressive" responses and hurt many of my interactions.
Attending meetings helped me to see that having a" different opinion" was acceptable and that I did not have to force others to see the world as I did. In my FOO, if we did not all march to he same drum we were browbeat until we let go of our beliefs. I apprecaite the fact that this is one of the changed attitudes that alanon tools have helped me replace with empathy, courage, courtesy, an open mind and respect .
Good Luck at the EYe Doctor and thanks or your service
Thanks for your service, IAH. I can so relate to this. I was a masterful score-keeper, wouldn't forget a thing. I crammed my resentments in a pile that only got bigger and bigger. I used to record audio sometimes, when things were extra crazy at home, thinking I will have proof of his hurtful words, and one day, when the time was just right, I would give the recordings to him and he would be so sorry he would quit drinking. Yeah... After a couple of months in Alanon I finally realized this "evidence" serves no purpose, and I deleted all of it. It felt good. I still want to keep the score on occasion, but at least I can let go when I realize what I'm doing. This doesn't last for years anymore, that's definitely progress.
Great shared ladies....good news from the eye doctor - the left eye that was not focusing is better - it's now focusing and I can wear contacts again. The not so good news - the right eye now has blocked ducts - *sigh* - back for a check up in 2 weeks.
HP has a funny sense of humor....don't you know!! (((Hugs)))
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks.....me too!! I trust it will - and I'm being compliant....I admit I am a horrible patient!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Good Morning IAH Love the Quote:"The mind grows by what it feeds on". Prior to program and my working the steps, I could readily identify with the mind set of" keeping score" This fueled my"passive aggressive" responses and hurt many of my interactions.
Attending meetings helped me to see that having a" different opinion" was acceptable and that I did not have to force others to see the world as I did. In my FOO, if we did not all march to he same drum we were browbeat until we let go of our beliefs. I apprecaite the fact that this is one of the changed attitudes that alanon tools have helped me replace with empathy, courage, courtesy, an open mind and respect . Good Luck at the EYe Doctor and thanks or your service
OMG...count me in on that "score keeping" stuff, too...Oh yea, every "favor" or gift or whatever I gave/did, I kept a score sheet and if it did not balance out (i did/gave more??) WOW!!! i would hammer them......and ya know??? I , too, was passive aggressive about retaliating on someone whom I thought was taking advantage of me....I never looked that MAYBE just MAYBE I inserted myself on them by doing/giving to purchase their love and becuz they are never obligated to love me, oh yea, it was "get even" time...WOW
