The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's reading talks about how many of us came to Al-Anon with the deep feeling and thought that - "It isn't fair!!" Most of us feel we deserve better after all we've been through and just believe we've been dealt a "raw deal".
The prayer quoted in the "Just for Today" helps some when it says, "Grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console; to be loved, as to love' for it is in giving that we receive."
We learn through recovery to profit more by asking what we can give than by questioning what life is giving us. We have many ways to give back, which in turn gives us room to receive more - reaching out to help others in a healthy way, learning to give unconditionally....
We best change our own path by reaching out to help others. Simple things - setting up chairs, welcoming new members, leading a meeting - we discover that we can make a positive contribution and often we find that self-esteem can and does replace self-pity.
Today's reminder --- Today I seek to be an instrument of the peace of God. I know that it is the most loving and generous commitment I can possibly make - to myself.
Today's quote is from John Gardner -- "When people are serving, life is no longer meaningless."
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This reading reminds me that my best days are days when I stay in my own lane, and work to be of service. Simple things like opening doors, starting coffee, smiling at strangers, etc. are all service work. Before recovery, I was in a fugue state of mind - walking, driving, shopping, etc. - going through the motions of life with my brain hyper-focused and worried about every thing in my life.
In recovery, when I seek to walk the walk, I am present in the moment, and realizing that each step I take and each breath I take matters. In some small way, it matters how I think, act, walk, talk, lead, respond and these actions ALL depend on my spiritual condition.
I vividly remember being very angry with life at the lot I'd been given. I took everything personally and felt 'put upon' always. Today, I walk freely and know that what is happening in the lives of others has no reflection on me. I can feel the feelings and then redirect to productive service and healing happens.
Make it a great day all - off to golf in a short while - hoping I can see the ball! Softball tonight, eye doctor tomorrow morning....(((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I agree with this. But I think if I am having a hard time, going through hard times, I have to feel the feelings and get it out and sometimes I need support before I can get level to support others. The way this daily reads, it almost looks like we just stuff our needs and feelings to service and help others. I do agree that to give is good energy. But sometimes my cup is empty and I have to get it filled before I can pour my love and support on to another Just saying
Thanks for sharing your thoughts IAH and Rose. Helping others in a healthy manner is what I have learned in alanon-- Giving with no thoughts of getting-- how freeing.
Years ago, after careful consideration of this page, I too must admit that I found that i needed to be careful about "helping" and doing for others- not so much because i was depleted (which I was) but because one of my biggest defects was to jump in, take care of everything so that everyone would appreciate me and do what i wanted.
Seeing how an asset can be distorted by this disease, I needed to be careful about my motives and actions.
Today giving with no thought of getting has become my norm and I am so grateful.
Thanks for your service IAH . Everyone have a great day
but because one of my biggest defects was to jump in, take care of everything so that everyone would appreciate me and do what i wanted.
Seeing how an asset can be distorted by this disease, I needed to be careful about my motives and actions. Today giving with no thought of getting has become my norm and I am so grateful.
Oh (((Betty))) this is soooo spot on...I gave to get love...to get a "return" of sorts becuz I was so empty inside, I was looking for love, validation, etc. on the OUTside, not inside...and oh yea...like my cruel to me adopted daughter....I saw some tennis racquets in good will...GOOD ones...$5 a pop.....so I got her and each of the 5 kids, racquets becuz they all wanted to learn to play...so no worries....i wanted to do it for the kids...however I was not going to do to her like she routinely treats me, and I got her one as well......I brought them over to the house and some old balls and told them "hey , I got these at a good price---use them and enjoy them" and I played with the kids for a bit and left......
my motives?? the racquets where there....it did't cost me that much, I had some Xtra $$ on me.....and i am not going to deprive 5 chidren if I HAVE IT to spend...I take care of my responsibilities FIRST, then if there is anything left over (I live within my income---savings are not to be touched unless emergency) anyway, I had a few $$ left over after paying bils adn I did it............my motive??? i just wanted to....expectations of her to love me??? ZERO---NADA---I did it because it made ME feel good to see those kids all excited with their own racquets......my motives was just that----the kids loved them and will play with them......thats all.....
that said, because I am CoDa, I have to check my motives ALL the time.....why am i doing /giving this??? do I expect them to "reward" me in ANY way???? was I "guilted" to doing this???? am I trying to "buy" a person's love???? If I check any of the boxes, YES---I back off....RE-assess....and many many times I had to refrain because it was not right thing to do.......thank you Betty for making me think about this....
Thank you for your service, IAH. I know I used to give much more to my abf than was needed to me or him, and then I was resentful that I had to to this or that... I'm now trying to give as much as makes me happy and not more, but this requires constant vigilance, because I guess I'm just so used to giving too much of myself to him its hard to break the martyr habit.
Thank you for your service, IAH. This is a good post today since it reminds me to not take it personally. Because I have always been a people-pleaser, I give way more than I ever receive, and because I am sick, I hold on to resentments about that. I was forever in the "Why was I given this lot in life" mentality. I am beginning to see that changing that mindset is what is going to help me feel at peace with the world. One Day at a Time.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Lovely shares MIP family!!! So, so true that if/when I don't have much to give, I need to 'fill me up first'. Long story short, I worked with the baby momma of my grand-boys to have them one night a week. It was Wednesday! That day became busy for me as I usually shop, always do a meeting and I clean for the babies as my lovely pup Layla sheds big time.
I loved the day, just got into the groove....and then my son called and told me I hurt his feelings by giving the baby-momma a 'break night' and not him. I apologized (even though he suggested I work with her directly) and then suggested since he has them 2 nights and she has them 5 nights, I felt it was less 'disruptive' to work with her. He finally calmed a bit - so I thought.
About a month/more later, he called to share he was going to have them one more night - and that night was Wednesday....I was disappointed but understood as it was the best night for him/her/them. I recall hanging up the phone, feeling sorry for myself and a bit grumpy. I actually asked HP to fill my time so I would not stay sad...
Within 48 hours, I had plans for the next 3 Wednesdays - a party at my home, an overnight guest (Doctor Appt. from out of town) and a softball function. I also within 24 hours got asked to play softball on Wednesday nights beginning next week. So - yes...I had to feel the feelings, walk through them and seek guidance from a power greater than me - or - I would still be feeling sorry for myself....(hope not, but possible.)
Rose - you have a bunch going on - I do 'busy' better than I do 'emotional' - you're doing 'emotional' great!!! I too used to put everyone ahead of me and this program has taught me that I do better/best when I put me first, and then be of service. And like Betty says - letting go of expectations helps me feel really good as it's pure/true service work!
Hope everyone had a great day - it was hotter than hot at Golf - I've been cooling my jets waiting for softball --- which will come in a few hours! Great shares ... thank you for your ESH!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
