The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page is one of several pages in C2C which sheds light on the many ways detachment is helpful to recovery when put into action. The author describes detachment as 'freedom to own what is mine and to allow others to own what is theirs'. This is helpful in all interactions.
Use within the fellowship: despite long experience in the program, the author can immediately relate to the share of a newer member, relate to their pain, be grateful for their own progress in recovery, but not be compelled to try to take that pain away or instruct on how they should. Practicing detachment with fellow members aids in the ability to use it with our qualifier.
Reminder: I can love, feel, and detach. I can feel compassion, yet keep to my business and let others tend to theirs, even when it seems they might not be clear on what it is. As G. Herbert said: "Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge."
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I grew up in an environment with little to no boundaries: everything was everyone's business, open for comment and critique. It was not healthy. It was in AlAnon that I learned that my efforts to "help" often crossed over into the realizations, decisions, and actions that belonged to others. I was tending to theirs when I should have been tending to mine.
Interaction with fellow members offers me an opportunity to put detachment into practice, allowing newer members to discover the program and identify the path that works for them. AlAnon suggests general encouragement and compassion, guiding toward meetings and program, but not overloading or directing. If they are ready, they will seek and find as they and their higher power determine.
The program works when I work it, and let it work for others. I am grateful for the patience of the program and fellow members as I work on this every day...progress, not perfection
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Good morning, Paul. Thanks for bringing this topic.
I have been thinking a lot about detachment and boundaries lately, brought on this time by a visit to my parents. My attempts to mind what is mine and let them focus on what is theirs were met by firm resistance and meddling, lol. Ah, well. Thankfully with Alanon, I was able to name what was happening for myself and use my tools to make it through the visit.
Now that I am back home, I have been thinking a lot about what detachment looks like when it is not directly related to drinking, and this reading was perfectly timed for me.
I hope you have a great day
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning Paul and Skorpi. I too have found that "Detachment": is a powerful tool that I can use in all my interactions. I do believe that by practicing this tool , for so many years, that it is now an automatic response.
Not reacting , and learning to respond by detaching, has proved so successful that I can certainly see the advantage of taking a few moments, before I speak and then saying what I mean without saying it mean. I know others would occasionally prefer that I would "give advise, blow up and react as I once did and although these options still fly over my head, I do not choose to implement them very often-- They are too destructive.
Good morning! I never thought about detachment towards program friends, but now I will pay some attention to it.
I have made great strides detaching from my A, but towards other loved ones, not so much. They give me plenty of opportunity to practice, however, and with continued focus on Alanon tools, I hope that eventually it will become and automatic response, as Betty said it is for her. I know I can't force this process. I must live ODAT and let it take its course. But I promise myself to work on this topic and grow in this area with help from HP. I need to do this work for myself, not for others. That part I understand and it's a great lesson to learn. Have a great day all, Lyne
Good Morning and thank you for your service Paul. Detachment is something that has brought me a lot of relief and something I have to continue to practice. I have had to learn about boundaries and detachment over the past two years in AL Anon because I didn't have any concept of either one of those things in my life before. It was a slow progression for me. At first I had to detach and look after myself. Sometimes it came off as cold and uncaring. Now I see how detaching from others, allowing them to find their own solutions to their problems, giving them the dignity to make their own mistakes and decisions without my constant "input" is more loving to them than trying to "help". The more I practiced the better I got. Instead of walking away coldly and telling my AH and others to figure things out for themselves I am able to express to them that I have confidence in them making their own decisions and that I am certain they will figure it out. Recently my AH asked me how he thought he could lose some weight. In the past that would have been like waving a red flag in front of a bull. I would have brought out all the info on how many calories are in beer, I would have been full of "guidance or suggestions". And his reaction would have been to shut down the conversation and walk away. This time I was able to have a conversation with him not assuming I have all the answers. I let him come to his own conclusions and expressed my confidence in his ability to make his own decisions and it was a much more respectful exchange. The more I do that with others it amazes me what better choices they seem to make. They don't usually make the choices I would choose for them but often it seems to work out for them in some way or another. And it frees me from obsessing over them and what they could/should be doing.
Good morning all - thanks for the great shares above me! Paul - thank you for your service and the daily too.
Detachment for me was a gift. Plain and simple - a gift. I too grew up in a home without proper boundaries and boy howdy - we had opinions and advice for every/any one - asking or not. It took me a while in my recovery to allow others to be who they need to be and act as they need to act. I am no longer responsible for how others speak, hear, act, react, etc. - I am free to be me and it's a great feeling.
I recall once being 'stuck' in a situation where I was truly baffled how to respond. I had wisdom come upon me from a power greater than me that said, "You can not care about another - actions, thoughts, deeds, future - more than they care for themselves. This struck me as I had assigned myself as coach, counselor and more for a few and they never asked for that.
Stepping back and waiting to be engaged has been a lovely tool. I love that we also do not have to attend every debate, discussion, other that we are invited to or baited for - recovery = freedom to be me and freedom to allow others to be who they want/need to be.
My goal, one day at a time, is consistent kindness. When I can stay balanced emotionally, my serenity level is good/consistent. Make it a great day all - off to a meeting in a while and some errands! (((Hugs)))
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
thank you LOVE the topic........quote----Reminder: I can love, feel, and detach. I can feel compassion, yet keep to my business and let others tend to theirs, even when it seems they might not be clear on what it is. As G. Herbert said: "Love your neighbor, yet pull not down your hedge."
with a sister who is drifting to the end, I am in this spot....I am so grateful for program as in the old days i would be obsessing over her and what i can do to "save her" when I cannot............so...i am loving, feeling but doing it with detachment how do I know??? i send her cute videos on the facebook...text her encouraging things, let her know I am thinking of her, then its right down to business doing MY life....at first I thought it was because I had to much pain and bad experiences with her, being abusive when I got into recovery, shaming and blaming me for coming forward about my abuse...she not only didn't supoprt me but put me through further re-wounding with her shitty attitude................but it is NOT that....I forgave her b/c she is not in recovery--I am...she is a product of that sicko family too....i can't expect any better from her...she is difficult to get along with sick or well....she is just difficult......but, 2 years ago, i reached out to her b/c I "sensed" that the cancer was getting worse and I wanted NO regrets over the past...let it GO...MOVE ON.....so I reached out....yea, she is still difficult---worse now that she is drifting away, but i'm hanging in there, giving her love and compassion, BUT---TAKING care of ME----i go to bed when its time to---I do my daily exercise to help my GAD/PTSD/stress of life.......I keep to my business and I give her to HER maker for hers.........I love her but my hedges are up.....I'm taking care of me....I can put my needs first and STILL be a good mom, a good friend, a good sister in fact I am BETTER because I am not sacrificing my needs to eat good, exercise daily, meditate daily, do my regimine to manage MY issues and alanon is essential in my daily self care...I don't drop my self care for anything or anyone......yes----loving, feeling but detached...........loving yet keeping the hedges up..............
thank you for this reminder....I, too had no clue what boundaries, self care was about............this program has and is saving my life
