Feeling Resentful - Al-Anon Family Group

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Feeling Resentful

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Oh, been there, done that. The amount of money I spent on this disease...all failing efforts...caused me to be so angry, so filled with hatred....even though I could afford it...it was so personal, and I took it so personally...and it all manifested with anger and resentment.

The "non-medical" aspect had me feeling this was just more denial. She was in denial and the doctors, medical providers, etc. -- they didn't care, so they just did what they did and discharged her. No after-care, treatment plan, etc. I don't know that anyone is supposed to talk to you or me about how to care for her or him...but that's another story.

I was angry. Furious. And, nothing changes if nothing changes. You can't change him. Nothing will change him. He will only change -- he will only quit -- when and if he wants to. So, this, meaning change, is all on you now. Like my sponsor told me -- the ball is in your court. I asked for my options. My sponsor gave me many. I chose, right then and there, to start doing the work. Every single day. I took on that work like no other ever before in my life. More than prep school, college, law school, business school, etc.

I felt I was forced into dealing with all of the fallout and consequences of her disease. I found ways to not have to deal with them. There were times where I did say "this is your bill" and "you will have to figure this out on your own" -- and that too had fallout, but I was no longer going to "enable" this disease by writing a check, "bailing" her out so to speak, and contributing to "fixing" what had occurred...why? So she could drink again? So I could have to fix it again? Nothing changes if nothing changes. So I decided that I had to change -- my decisions, my thinking, my behavior, my belief system, and more.

I am not so sure you would be responsible for his debt, but that's not something to address here. You could ask a family law/matrimonial attorney.

Focus on you. Call your sponsor, go to a meeting, share on this, do the readings, immerse yourself in focusing on you -- and don't let the feelings of what's going on consume you.

You can do this. You can get through this.

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW!! I don't know what to say, except if he does not get into recovery, the beat will go on and go on...is their anyway you could be separate on finances?? your check book...his...your savings, his.....I kept my finances separate from the AH #1 and #2 who was a good drunk if there is such a thing..he was in navy so military took care of him and he was still very healthy, we just had his spleen removed and military paid the bill.....but still, I kept everything separate....even income taxes.....I am sorry this hit you...35K is a huge hit.....I heard that you can pay them whatever you can afford and they have to accept it...they can't take your property or anything..at least not in TX they can't ... find out your rights...I would see a lawyer or paralegal who is good, ask around maybe some alanon folks in your area meetings can turn you on to some professional help....see what your options are.....I sure hope he gets help becuz if he does not, then it (misery) will keep goin round and round and round.....meantime?? stick with us and program and vent all you need to...thats what we are here for..to give support....even though I don't support staying with alcoholic who refuses recovery, I totally empathize and want to support my sisters and brothers in recovery who are dealng with the impact of alcoholism.....do you have a sponsor you can work with??? or a recovery partner?? in times like this, there is no such thing as too much support....also the steps, slogans, all the program pieces.........sending you serenity energy.............IN SUPPORT

KT2015 · ~*Service Worker*~

Awww Pnp I've had those days. Once in a while I call my friend and say "I'm running away to join the circus want to come?" and then joke about what our job in the circus will be. It sounds like one of those days. When I'm in those types of situations it helps me to remember that I have choices. They may not be all that appealing but I have them and it helps me to pause and consider them. Even just for a moment. Being the one who feels overly responsible sometimes my automatic reaction to clean up the mess without question isn't always the best. I'm sure you will figure out what is best for you. Hang in there and good luck!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

PnP...that is sucky for sure however you can go to the American Medical Association website and look up alcoholism and use whatever information is there. I believe long ago that when I looked up the information that the AMA was and is convinced that it is a disease of the mind body, spirit and emotions which pretty well covers it all except if you read the definitions of what is and is not covered in his insurance it might not be. Saying prayers for you. If I love you my higher power does also. ((((hugs)))) wink

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs PNP,

You are right it's not fair .. although I know I missed the line when they said here's the contract for the clause "Life is Fair". LOL .. some of the lessons I put myself through more than I had to after the initial not fair stuff.

My XAH had financial issues that eventually were only his to deal with unfortunately it sucked because he drug the kids and I through hell as we went with him. I did make the decision when it hit the kids and I .. I took action when it didn't I let him deal with it and he's still dealing with some of the fall out from his choices and will continue to do so going forward. I would call the hospital to see what you can do about getting the bill reduced as well as talk to them about what assistance they offer in terms of if it were them .. what would they do. I would then call the insurance company and talk to an underwriter and find out if they do not cover this .. what do they cover .. I had a contact rip in my eye and thankfully someone I knew at the insurance company walked me through how to file the claim so that it would be covered under emergency services .. in that case it was covered 100%. It was a HUGE financial relief at the time .. sometimes you can find someone to work with on that level so I just encourage you to reach out. At least instead of wondering you will know 100% what you can do in this situation .. I kind of figure if I do the footwork .. my HP shows up and does the rest. I stopped doing things that buffered consequences with the A however .. again .. I looked at what was best for the kids and I.

I truly am sorry this is so hard on you and I hope you found relief in getting it all out.

Hugs S :)

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you all for your support. In all honesty, I hesitated posting this here, b/c I know it's supposed to be all about me here, but I felt my serenity slipping and the old habit of harboring resentment towards my AH rearing it's ugly head... so I went for it. It felt WONDERFUL letting it out!! I was actually able to go to sleep last night without tossing and turning! And of course, I got some ESH.

Bo & mamalioness - thank you! I am focusing on what I need right now. Going to meeting tonight. I will see if I can share this and perhaps get some ideas beyond ones that have been offered here! I do have control over the finances, and he cannot get to the money in the bank due to his last go 'round with addiction. But since his recovery (before alcoholism), he has had a separate account... on my insistence... we don't make enough to really have a true his/hers financial split - this was a compromise b/c he wanted back on the account and I wasn't ready for that (good thing I listened to my gut!). I used to pay for my and my son's insurance, but that was way back when we lost the family insurance due to his getting fired, and I had a good paying job where I could afford it. Now I can't.

KT - I love the 'running away to the circus' idea! I think I would be a big cat tamer... I would like to think it's because of my years of education and work experience in the animal field, but I am afraid it looks more like a "control" type of job! LOL!!!!! Now that my son is almost 17, I have had more and more daydreams of driving off to the beach and never looking back! Perhaps one day I'll take that leap. Thank you for your support.

Jerry - Thank you for your support. I read your other post about the women of MIP, and it was very touching. Thank you for paying it forward and giving me strength!

Serenity - I did find relief... thank you for listening and taking the time to respond!! I actually gave my AH the paperwork and told him he needs to find out why this is being denied. He said, "I don't know how to do that!"
I told him, "Start with calling your doctor's office, and letting them know that perhaps the way it was coded told the insurance that it wasn't 'medically necessary.' I am going to let this go until I get an actual bill.
Then I am going to contact the hospital. Thanks for the idea.

Thank you for restoring my peace!!!

tiredtonite · Veteran Member

Despite all that's happening you sound like you're in a good place. You know usually the sense of humor is the first to go when dealing with the disease of alcoholism. I really enjoyed your big cat tamer comment and rational lol.

Those EOB sheets can be pretty nasty looking I know. My experience with a denial was that there was always a chance to appeal. (no pun intended). The hospital's admitting doctor has reponsibility in this outcome. Diagnostic coding might have been insufficient for payment. Try not to lose heart. At least from my experience those EOB totals were highly exaggerated as compared to final out of pocket cost to my exah. At times it took some phone calls but I was glad that Alanon taught me that the only authority is a loving god and to question other "authorities." Sometimes we feel so beaten down from living with this sort of thing, we'd rather just pay than stand up for ourselves. Despite our program telling us we should let the alcoholic suffer the consequences of his/her actions, in some situations that just takes from the rest of the family. For me, this was such a situation. I made the calls to resolve the medical bills and extract the best possible outcome. He was in no condition to do so and family money would have been lost. As was already mentioned, hiring a professional is an option too. My own experience was just being persistent with calls and paperwork and support of a sponsor was enough. If nothing I couldn't get the bills reduced, I could at least feel I'd tried to do what I could. I wish you the best with this. I applaud you for giving the issue to your husband to resolve if he's sober enough handle it. Mine was not. (((hugs)))) TT

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

WOW, I am glad tiredtonight posted b/c it makes sense......phonecalls and yea, maybe even getting someone to mediate this awful bill, but yea, I would fight it...Tired made a lot of sense, I am glad you got some direction as to what to do.........wishing you the absolute best of luck on this.......

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Even if you appeal and follow up on it and hassle them and finally get the bill reduced, the fact is that you had to go through this worry and stress.

I agree in wondering if you can separate your finances legally. This all should be in his lap, not in yours.

I'm not saying you should divorce your husband - that kind of decision only you could know about. But I am really glad I myself got a legal divorce (not just the separation and all) from mine before he landed in the ER and nursing home because of his alcoholism. I think his bill is approaching $100,000 by now, and it's still going up. Boy would I be in deep water if I were liable for that money. That's why I urge you to find a way to insulate yourself from the liability, whatever that way looks like.

I'm still sorry mine is in this pickle - and paradoxically I am more able to feel sorry about it because I am not white-hot with the anger I would feel if I were on the line for $100,000!

Take good care of yourself.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm not in USA but surely one persons bills are that persons responsibility? Why on earth would someone else's medical bills be anything to do with you? I get it if it's a child who can't take responsibility but that's like saying if one person commits a crime then the wife goes to jail too. God it's like even gov policies are co dependant.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

EC .. the system here is completely screwed up .. it is the collateral damage of families who pay the consequences for other people's actions.

I have a very dear girlfriend who's XAH got a DUI .. she was required to put one of those blow things in her car because he had to still drive and even though it was HER car and he couldn't drive it .. there was one in the other car she had to have one installed in her car .. soooo .. that meant she had to blow and deal with the crap of those things and this was years ago when those deals were beyond a pain .. mouth wash sets them off and so on. So she was punished and it even went to the deal of the probation officer came to the house HE had the alcohol issue she drank a beer here or there (once every 6 months or something like that) however because he was on probation she couldn't have alcohol in the house .. she had just purchased a 6 pack and the officer was going to make her throw it out and she pointed out her beer .. his issue not hers .. so she was allowed to move it to the trunk of her car for keeping .. he goes to jail she is left to deal with the collateral damage of supporting at the time 6 kids .. it was a mess. That's what makes it so complex in terms of yes it's easy to say let the spouse face the consequences .. and that's why mine had to be put out of the house .. he wound up with a crap load of bills from his looney toon stay .. and I am grateful that burden is his not mine on any level.

Plus there is the issue of 50/50 ... 35k bill is considered 50/50 in marriage .. this is exactly why I don't want to ever get married again .. it's a huge financial risk. So yes .. in some cases there is something to be said about at least trying to get something reduced. It's very scary if you don't have your own income to look at figures like that .. it's a new car .. it's a down payment on a house and instead it's going to something that may or may not have a positive impact down the road. Those kinds of resentments are difficult.

Hugs S :)

mamalioness · ~*Service Worker*~

Like serenity said, one of the big reasons why I don't get married again is because I have a house that is paid for and a little bit of savings. I will be damned before I let someone take that all away from me because of their wrongdoing

makebelieve11 · Member

I'm so sorry this happened. I'm a bit obsessed with finances, so I just about swallowed my tongue seeing that bill. But as others have said, you and/or hubby may not have to pay that. Some hospitals will take a greatly reduced sum because they realize their only only option may be getting $0, so you might be able to negotiate it way down. And I would also explore avenues for getting your finances totally separated, if possible.

I've been trying to steer my own husband in the right direction when it comes to paying any of his A brother's bills. So far he's just paid for little things - like the phone bill. But even with that, A told us the bill would be $95 and when we got it, it was $200+. Now he wants us to pay a storage fee for his stuff - he estimated it at $50/month and I already know it's going to be closer to $150. It's always more than you think, and the requests and bills just seem to multiply as time goes on.\

Best of luck getting through this - take care of yourself.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Going back to the resentment -- it is easy to understand how we can be resentful, about so many things. It's normal. It's human nature. OK, got it.

However, when I started to deal with getting a handle on the resentment -- I started to look at what it did to me, specifically. That "blood boiling" syndrome, the anger that was brewing, the feeling of being wronged, taken advantage of, and more. And the consequences -- there were many -- were not pretty. I was frustrated, angry, short-fused with a short temper and boiling point, and I started to lash out and take it out on other people. Not good at all. I would take it out on family members, friends, and while that was repairable, I started to see the spill-over with clients -- and that is not acceptable! Not for me.

I didn't like what it was doing to me physically, aside from mentally. Digestive problems, upset stomachs, headaches, etc. Perhaps some may feel this is extreme, but this is what was going on with me -- as a result of her drinking, me dealing with it, and the anger and resentment I had.

I realized she was not well. I had compassion for her. But I would not be taken advantage of time and time again. No more. But I was able to do the work and let go of that resentment. She needed help, and while she didn't want the help I was comfortable giving, and she got angry because I wouldn't give her the help she wanted -- that's OK. I wished good things for her. I was able to be there in a healthy and supportive way -- for her and for me.

When the resentment started to dwindle, I felt so much better...and I realized how much energy, mental and physical, how much unrealized effort it took for me to carry that around...and I got better. Thanks.

PosiesandPuppies · ~*Service Worker*~

Again, thank you to those who posted! I got some of the same "advice" at my F2F. My group told me that the EOB's are many times over-exaggerated. And the hospitals always negotiate - b/c they would be faced with $0 - just like Tired2 and Makebelieve said.

El-Cee - in the states, but especially in CA, it is 50/50 if you are married (probably even common-law). So if he doesn't pay, they come after me... sucks, really.

I am with many of you who say they will never marry again! I know that is me!!

Mattie - I have been checking out what legal separation looks like... and I guess there is a "new" phenomenon of being separated but living in the same house that is currently being "supported" by the courts. I guess if I am separated but not divorced, I can still get insurance through his work. Baby steps on that for me right now.

Bo - Yes, it's the resentment that eats at me. I keep it bottled up, but it ends up spilling onto others & many times they don't know why. So I am concentrating on getting rid of the resentment. Thank you!

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