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Hi all--- I have been a little MIA, health and work and then much needed family time with my parents and boys. It's been relaxing, getting a lot of projects around the house done, cleaning out the crap... feels great!
Everything here is... status quo. I'm going to meetings, reaching out when I'm reacting or triggered. But tonight what hits me is, its like everything is normal. He's off doing whatever he is doing.... always claiming he is working so hard for us, bc you know he is so important. And most days I'm not thinking about it. But then he'll send a text and I instantly know he's drinking. Now it doesn't affect me too much bc he isn't brining his insanity in the house. One night he texts late, immediate anxiety based on his text "wanted to move home, enough of this, its time, the boys need him"... while I saw them pop up I didn't "read them" instead I reached out to my Friend and then went to sleep. I have NEVER not answered a text. Crazy right? Yay me! He doesn't answer mine all the time, ha!
Anyways, what I'm getting at is, I know I cant control or cure him. Cool. And I am putting myself first. Cool. But then it's like there is NO conversation around his drinking. He will come by "sober" hang for a bit and then leave to go "do some work"... I know I sound resentful, but I'm not really. I know my truth and I am letting him have his truth. The lies are hard. But I'm doing the best I can each day with it. So I don't ask him about his drinking, or whatever. Sometimes he will mention it, but it's always "I'm drinking way less" I just nod and that's it. Last week he was at ER bc he thought he was dying or something and it was gas. Gas he's had for about a month. Of course I said it a few times, but you know, not his first or last ER visit.
He sent me this diatribe of texts today about how he's working so hard, he's doing such a good job (new job and he's happy about it which is a plus), that he feels like he's picking his work over his family, work work work. The third day in a row he has promised the boys he would come (with promise of toy store trip) and hasnt shown up. Bc of work. the oldest (6) is struggling with the disappointment. This is what happens when he's binging, bc he got paid. Maybe he's working, maybe he's drinking, maybe he's doing both. I don't really care, but I do have to sit here and deal with the fall out of his choices.
To recap, I've set my boundary with him. not coming home until in recovery "Sober". But we're still together, still a family. I'm in my program, he's still active and I feel like it's just status quo.
The texts drive me nuts, just saying. He always texts at like 10. I'm asleep! Two small children, exhausted. And it's sometimes nothing But an I love you and other times it's him asking me if I have another man and then the third option is he wants to move home.
and now I've written a whole post about Him! Ugh!
Thanks for letting me share this jumbled mess in my head tonight. Weekends are hard, holidays are hard, our anniversary is on the 4th too, that's hard. I'm trying not set any expectations.
Hey pumkin - good to see you.....I hear you and do remember that weekends were tough for a long while here. It seems as if weekdays are easier as there is more structure so my sponsor suggested I 'create structure' for my weekends. I did and it did help. Doesn't have to be big/fancy - just something on the books so I have less idle/think time.
When I get horizontal, I mute my phone. My parents are aging and will find me via home phone if there is an issue/emergency. This was the best suggestion someone gave me - my qualifiers tended to text later than I wanted to hear from them.
It sounds like you are doing well and it's OK to miss what was and/or what you thought it would be. I still get sad at times and I just have to walk through it. I do feel deep down that my HP has a plan for me and he's not done yet. I hold onto that when things get difficult.
Keep coming back and know we're here! Sending you (((hugs))) and some positive mojo!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Big hugs sis .. it's all one day at a time .. holidays are always stressful for family's in general .. having to deal with an active drinker is a whole other issue. Just keep coming back and working with your sponsor .. it will get better.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
