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I want to relate a recurring theme for me in the last 3 days. Its kind of funny how these things coincide, I think maybe my HP is trying to say something to me, but I'm at a loss.
Something like 3 days ago my mom called me to ask for advice on how to better handle a situation with her A brother who had left who knows where late the evening before and had failed to lock the door to the house, leaving my grandmother to sleep there like that. I told my mother that my grandmother might let her son know she feels worried about her safety - staying in an unlocked house, etc. I said its better to speak about "I" and not "you". Not long after I had the conversation, I started thinking about whether I acted wisely, giving advice, cuz I know we don't do that in Alanon... I am concerned about my grandmother's safety (and also wondering about what life with her son, who is preparing to move in with her after her husband passed away, will be like).
Then today - my abf's grandmother calls, distressed, because my abf apparently called her and her husband recently. Never mind the details, but he had been drinking, so I know how those conversations tend to go. She says she's really stressed about her grandson, sounds like he can't handle things on his own, been drinking etc. She asked "What should I do?" She considered calling his mother to go to my abf's house to babysit him... I remembered the somewhat similar situation a couple of days ago regarding my own grandma, and tried very hard not to give advice. I didn't really succeed, though, cuz I told her there seems to be no emergency so probably no need to call anyone to go to him (I did speak with him briefly not long ago over the phone). She also asked me to call her if I hear from my abf again.
I did hear from him, soon afterwards, and here's my advice asker number three. He sounded less drunk than before, and wanted to TALK. I don't want to talk to him when he's drinking, so our phone conversations over the last three days or so have been very brief. His grandfather had also hung up on him a couple of hours or so before, saying he won't speak with drunks. My abf sounded really down and halfway sober so I did listen to him for a little while. Among some other things he asked for my advice on "what he should do" - he today figured he wants to go to a real addiction specialist, not the healer that he's been to twice. His grandmother is under the impression that this healer is the only person anywhere who can help her grandson and apparently doesn't think that he should go to a real professional. I said "you already know all the options available to you". So this time I really didn't give advice. I hung up soon after, cuz this half-drunk conversation didn't really bring enjoyment either.
I plan to suggest to both my grandmas going to Alanon when I next meet them (they both have alcoholic sons). This much I can do. But apart from that, I just don't know. Part of me thinks any advice on this is useless, because, of course, for Alanons its important to focus on ourselves, and any advice I give to someone else probably doesn't facilitate that. I just don't want to see my grandmothers and my abf's grandmother hurt, they're all old, they have some pretty serious health issues.
....I see I'm trying to control again. Now that I've written this down I can see that. I suppose now that I'm done controlling my abf my codependent personality tries to find others to control, fix, make "happier" and "safer". I will suggest getting some help to my untreated Alanon grandmas, but I suppose that afterwards I should let go, and let God......... They have their own lives to live, after all... But when I'm asked advice, should I say nothing at all, say "I don't know" or repeat each time "get help"? I don't know. I just feel like I've gotten to know about this cure, which is Alanon for me, and I so want to share the knowledge with my suffering relatives... I suppose here might be my answer - share the knowledge of the cure, but not try to cure anyone by my-still-pretty-sick-self...
Great share Aline,
It is nice when you can see how Alanon has changed your life. I love the not being in control anymore, it was such a burden worrying about other people and their problems. I had so many friends that had addiction or alcoholism effecting their lives. I stopped seeing them, and I wonder if I should try to reach out to them, but then I don't because I do not want to hear about their problems. I don't know how to separate it yet and really need to make new friends. It is great that you are seeing a difference.
The advice has to be a hard thing when it is a family member. You can make vague suggestions, like a thought without giving direct advice. I have really isolated myself from other people's problems so the need to give advice does not come up to often.
I had a recovery mate on another site (it has been closed now for years) but she and I kept in contact, email, facebook, etc. and she would go on and on and on about her husband, same ole same ole, no change on her part and askng ME for advice on and on and on....I would just say 'you are gonna do what you want to do, i already told you how I took care of me in similiar situation, but thats me, you have to figure this out for yourself" and She would get mad because i would not give advice NOR would I walk on cracked egg shells to spare her feelings...2 weeks ago, she unfriended me on facebook...I PM'd her and told her I wished her well, but our paths were different and I agreed!!! We were no longer a match....I left it at that...she writes back telling me that her mom put her down..her AH is putting her down, and I never wrote back......Id on't give advice because if my "advice" backfires for them, then who gets the blame?? me!!! Not gonna go there..I listen..I validate them, but if I have no similiar experience to share what I did when I was in that situation, I just merely encourage them to follow their instincts and stay out of it.....in fact when I want ESH, I just post or tell my story and see what others say what they did or would do, but its up to me to take care of me............i hope this post made sense...advice giving smells of control which we alanons can get trapped into.....we are NOT in control over another, we are 100% powerless over another's decisions, deeds, thoughts, etc., all we can do take care of our own paths and yea, support the others, sure, but in the end, the decision of what action is theirs..........thank you for this thread...it is good reminder for me to keep the focus on me
Thank you both for your ESH... Hugs, (((((mama))))), I've followed your posts and wish you and your sister strength and peaceful mind.
thank you Aline...this whole year has been a nightmare...I lost another sister back in March to Alzheimers but she was giggly and "OK" (as much as one with that disease can be) up until the week b4 she died when she just stopped eating and drinking and she was gone!!!! So we all didn't have this gruesome , painful exit that sister #2 is now going through, then my client/friend got killed in a car wreck a couple of months before sister number one died....its just been one thing after another and I see it impacting me and so I am really clinging to my program as I can't cope with this "one hit after another" energy this past 6-7 months...I see me wanting to isolate and escape, but I am fighting it by getting out each day playing tennis, basket ball and swimming...sometimes all three to tire me out.....today it is rainy so not sure what I am gonna do, but I will find a healthy way of escaping/disconnecting from all this sad stuff......you take care
