Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Aerin · Senior Member

Why Is He Blaming Me?

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Aerin - all I know is denial is huge in addiction/alcoholism. It takes hard work in recovery to find the truth. This applies to both the A and the Al-Anon member. My son stayed sober for 5 years, and is back active in the disease. During that 5 years, every chance he got, he threw daggers my way with words. In his point of view, all his issues are my fault. He doesn't give any examples for me to understand (I used to ask) - he just placed all the blame beyond himself. It was confusing, irritating, hurtful and more drama than i care to live with.

I finally (with the help of Al-Anon) just calmly said that I was sorry for all that happened in his upbringing that caused him pain. I told him I loved him and hoped we could move past it. I also made it calmly clear that I was done discussing the past chaos/disease/drama unless we had a professional present to mediate. He tried after that, and I imposed my boundary by either walking out or just saying that topic is off-limits in my home.

It's much better now - I am sure he still blames me and that's OK - he's entitled to his POV. I just don't dance that dance with him any more. Recovery gave me the power of choice back. I no longer care who is right and who is wrong; I just want peace and serenity. (((Hugs)))

shrnp · Senior Member

Aerin,
Some people do not know how to have a healthy relationship even in sobriety. Other people have to have someone to blame for everything. My A ex-bf had an awful problem of treating me terribly but then turn around to the next person and be their best friend. He had a split personality when he was drinking and I got the brunt of his unhappiness. It made me very depressed, I had to stop talking to him because I knew I was nothing like the person he was making me out to be. It was such an unhealthy emotional relationship. He was physically violent to me too. I could not be around him when he drank. It has taken me three years to finally feel over his drinking problem. He is sober now, and he seems to be different but I would never get back together with him. I have memories of his abuse and it does not go away. I do not think about it everyday, but something might bring up a memory. He smashed things in my house one night, glasses and dishes, just knocked them all over the floor, and there was no reason for it, and he has never apologized for what he did. Time changes everything, if you let yourself have it. It is hard at first but slowly you will start to feel like a new person. Not brand new but better than before.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

Blaming everyone but themselves is a classic move in the alcoholic playbook. It takes a lot of courage, honesty, and awareness for them to see the destruction that their behavior has caused. They are so used to the denial that often they don't even know there's another way.

Another benefit the blaming has is that it keeps us hooked into the relationship. Even if we're not "with" them, it's a connection they make with us - "YOU made me this way!" they claim - and often we get sucked into arguing with them. That's very satisfying to them because it distracts them from their own pain and self-awareness.

It takes an incredibly mature person to face being wrong and causing destruction. Alcoholics are far away from that kind of awareness. Some of them make it to that place. Some of them never do. The same is also true of non-alcoholics.

Take good care of yourself.

BreathingInAndOut · Member

Thank you for sharing this.

It helps to understand why the guilt is being hurled. It's hurled as a distraction method. It's hurled because the A is not strong enough to look clearly at him/herself. Once you can see where it comes from, it is easier to say "no thank you - this guilt is not mine"

Lyne · ~*Service Worker*~

My A told me I was crazy a number of times, when I knew she was drinking and she was trying to convince me I was nuts. After all, how could she be drinking when she had sworn many times she would never drink again? My understanding of this behavior is that she was trying to blame me for having a problem, control me, make me feel lousy about myself, and keep her from facing reality. However over time, with Alanon, I became too strong to get thrown off by her and took her power away. This did not happen overnight. The last thing an active alcoholic wants to do is admit they have a problem. It is better if I have the problem, of accusing, then the A facing the truth. You are strong to have ended that relationship. Keep up your good work, Lyne

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Aerin wrote:
As some of you know, I have left my alcoholic boyfriend of five years. it has been a roller coaster five years and I did give it my all by learning about the disease, going to Al-Anon, reading stuff, you name it. I probably should have left years ago, but insteadI I set boundaries and he finally went to AA and he's been sober for 50 days. (he did originally start going in Sept but never stayed sober until now) The reason that I left is because during this recovery time, I have learned a lot about how relationship roles change, and the couple has to have to learn to work at it differently, and stupidly I was willing to try, but he didn't want any of that. He was pretty much saying he has never done anything really wrong in this relationship and that I expect too much and he grew up in a bad home and all kinds of stuff. And AA is showing him that our relationship is a mess. He was literally yelling at me! Then he has the nerve to say, I know I have given you many reasons over the years to not trust me but you should be over that by now and nothing really bad happened anyway. Whattt??! He has hit me multiple times over the past 5yrs and lied. He says that is in the past and I am crazy. Yes obviously now I have no choice but to focus on me, now that I'm single. I'm pretty sure a lot of damage has been done to me mentally in the past five years although I'm not quite sure in what ways just yet. I am just curious if this is common for a recovering alcoholic to have this kind of thought process along with so much anger directed at the one person that stood by them? Not that I plan on talking to him or anything but just wanted some insight :-/

It can be common. Don't worry about it. You left, now it's time to move on. There shouldn't be any re-visiting, re-hashing, debates, or anything of the like. You have your recovery and he has his. Focus on YOU. The more you try and figure out "why" he is doing, saying, etc. -- the more you will drive yourself crazy. Just let that go.

He is in denial and has to shift and lay blame. Let him. It doesn't impact you. It doesn't change you. You live in your truth and focus on YOU. You are doing the right thing...keep doing it.

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs Aerin,

My XAH has not seen the damage he has done to either our relationship or to the kids .. it's all me in his mind .. I am currently dealing with a similar situation with my BF not him blaming his XW blaming him for everything and anything .. he does accept his short comings however she in her mind is the victim.

A's do what they do because they are alcoholics there is no other reason .. they are being who they are deep in the diseased thinking of no accountability. I really encourage you not to focus on why he does what he does and focus on why you do what you do and what you can do to change that because .. back to the whole I am powerless over other people, places and things.

I would encourage you to go to YouTube and listen to Father Tom he's a double winner who is actually coming at this from the position of being a Jesuit priest and if you ever get the chance to see him "live" OMGOSH .. he's AMAZING .. I love him dearly and had the opportunity to hear him. LOL .. bless his heart he made the trek to a little town in IL.

Alcoholics do what alcoholics do for no other reason than that's what they do.

Big hugs and just keep moving forward.

S :)

Helpangel · Senior Member

Oh wow! When I read this it sounded exactly what mind did to me. They make you question your boundaries and then try and make you feel guilty for everything so that the focus is off of them. My heart goes out to them.

Helpangel · Senior Member

And us for trying to move and let go.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

When I ended the relationship with my long-time gf -- I got blamed for everything! I left her, abandoned her, and her kids, I lied because I said I would be there for her and I left, I became withdrawn, wasn't there for her, she gave me everything and gave me her heart, her kids, and I didn't reciprocate, I was sneaky, shady, never committed, ruined her life, wasn't there for her son, wasn't open and honest with her, and I was to blame for the Kennedy assassination as well. She bad-mouthed me, called me names, yelled and screamed at me, grandstanding, melodrama, played the victim and martyr, and on and on and on.

So, this is what alcoholics, addicts, and unhealthy people do. They have to. It is part of denial, martyrdom, victimization and more. It is their "release" and their ability to not and so that they do not have to look at themselves. They lash out at those closest to them -- self-sabotage/sabotage of the relationship, the potential to get away with it, etc. My ex-gf had a history of being with bad, abusive men. She was unable to be in a healthy, normal, mature, functional relationship with someone who loved her and treated her well. She was used to being abused, cheated on, and so on. Thus, something good comes along -- can't deal, handle, etc. No faith, belief, etc.

So, all of the above is my experience.

Most of all -- what I learned -- the more you try and figure it out, the more you drive yourself crazy. You can't apply logic to an illogical person. You can't apply rational and healthy thinking to an irrational and unhealthy person.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Helpangel wrote:
Oh wow! When I read this it sounded exactly what mind did to me. They make you question your boundaries and then try and make you feel guilty for everything so that the focus is off of them. My heart goes out to them.

Agreed. Thank you.

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

SerenityRUS wrote:
Hugs Aerin,

My XAH has not seen the damage he has done to either our relationship or to the kids .. it's all me in his mind .. I am currently dealing with a similar situation with my BF not him blaming his XW blaming him for everything and anything .. he does accept his short comings however she in her mind is the victim.

A's do what they do because they are alcoholics there is no other reason .. they are being who they are deep in the diseased thinking of no accountability. I really encourage you not to focus on why he does what he does and focus on why you do what you do and what you can do to change that because .. back to the whole I am powerless over other people, places and things.

I would encourage you to go to YouTube and listen to Father Tom he's a double winner who is actually coming at this from the position of being a Jesuit priest and if you ever get the chance to see him "live" OMGOSH .. he's AMAZING .. I love him dearly and had the opportunity to hear him. LOL .. bless his heart he made the trek to a little town in IL.

Alcoholics do what alcoholics do for no other reason than that's what they do.

Big hugs and just keep moving forward.

S :)

Said perfectly. Thank you.

Junenine · Senior Member

well, he may be sober for 50 days but he's far from healthy or taking responsibility and he may never get there. 50 days is very little time. but... he may or may not EVER get healthy, truly look at himself and the consequences of his behavior, or take responsibility. in many ways, it's easier not to... it's easier to just plow forward with the focus of not picking up another drink. and still believing he's right and doesn't have to make any deep changes. there are always excuses (grew up in bad home, etc.).

in my experience, the alcoholic wrecks his life and relationships, stands in the rubble, and forgets it all quickly. he or she wants to "move on" and the past is the past. the people around him are still stumbling around in shock and dealing with their hurts.

it's sad. but in the end, it doesn't matter - you stand in your truth. you know what you need and you know what you cannot and will not take any more. you are on YOUR path, moving forward.

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

Bo, after catching up with this thread and giving it some thought, I was motivated to share some thoughts I had after reading your following comments:

The first:

"It can be common. Don't worry about it. You left, now it's time to move on. There shouldn't be any re-visiting, re-hashing, debates, or anything of the like. You have your recovery and he has his. Focus on YOU. The more you try and figure out "why" he is doing, saying, etc. -- the more you will drive yourself crazy. Just let that go.

He is in denial and has to shift and lay blame. Let him. It doesn't impact you. It doesn't change you. You live in your truth and focus on YOU. You are doing the right thing...keep doing it. "

AlAnon suggests that we seldom know what is best for us, and cannot know what is best for others. For this reason, it is strongly suggested that we avoid telling others what, when, where, why and how to/not to: feel, think, or act. No matter how well intended, we simply do not know; further it is not our place, nor our right. That belongs to god or higher power alone.

Your comments seem incredibly directing to me: telling someone what to worry about, what it's time for them to do, what they shouldn't be doing, how to treat their qualifier, and what should or should not change or impact them. I am struggling to see how this approach fits with the suggestions of the program or the spirit and purpose of the board.

The second:

"So, this is what alcoholics, addicts, and unhealthy people do. They have to. It is part of denial, martyrdom, victimization and more. It is their "release" and their ability to not and so that they do not have to look at themselves. They lash out at those closest to them -- self-sabotage/sabotage of the relationship, the potential to get away with it, etc."

This comment seems to suggest that the bad behavior can be collected into a single category ("that"), assigned to a single group of people ("they/their"), and the motives and behaviors (what they "do") of this entire group are known to you and exclusive to that particular and homogeneous group.

To my knowledge, those views do not find support in the AlAnon program. AlAnon suggests what we know about alcoholics as a group is that they suffer from a dreadful, cunning, and baffling disease that can be arrested but not cured.

The balance of an alcoholic's behavior is subject to a great number of variables including personality, upbringing, drinking style, progression in the disease, recovery, etc. A person may know quite a bit from personal experience, but never enough to define an entire group.

AlAnon suggests that its members are just as uniquely troubled as those suffering from the disease of alcoholism, and at times exhibit levels of insanity and unhealthy behavior that exceed those of the alcoholic. As human beings, Alcoholics are included in the list of those whom we are not qualified to judge, lecture, denigrate, or direct.

It seems to me that AlAnon does not encourage a "we" vs "they" attitude, nor positions of moral superiority based on a perception of one disease being better or worse than the other. As a member of both recovery groups, I am very grateful for that. The suggestion in AlAnon is that the focus be on our own recovery and help others who suffer, not on trying to define the motives and behavior of the alcoholic.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Nicely written Paul and a great reminder that Al-Anon suggests we share our own ESH and allow others the dignity of their own choices. I had to 'adjust' as in AA, advice is much more free-flowing. There are other differences too, but this was one I had to practice with each Al-Anon meeting or exchange.

We are all equals and if our experiences benefits another, that's what it's all about. Thank you for taking the time to give us all a reminder of how we work it best!!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene