The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Thank you all for reading this - and providing me a safe space to share.
I have been through several unsteady years with my A. 7 total, about 5 of them with very deep lows. The last 2 have been particularly painful with at least 7-8 break up moments; although a break up never occurred. This spring I went on a solo trip for 30 days so that we could get some clarity apart; we ended up reconciling. Fast forward to today only 3 months later and that conversation is happening again.
During those 30 days, I did experience some major rebuilding of my confidence (although the first 7-10 days were absolutely horrible) and I reconnected with my loving support network. When I returned, I truly was ready for the end of that conversation. In the past, my codependent self was always angling to figure out how to control my A into the resolution I wanted. Of course, he is still an A and you can't change or control anyone.
Now though, as I'm in the midst of yet another tipping point, I'm reminded how little strategy I have for maintaining my calm, logical and strong self. In the moment, my face gets hot and I start to feel nauseous. I feel the crushing weight of despair coming on my head and my chest gets tight. The only thing I want to do is back out of the argument. Rewind to a moment before and change my reaction to stop it from happening. I want to fix it. I want it to be well; and I want that love that I've been holding out for these 7 years.
But I know that this is not in my best interest. How do we, in that moment of ultimate insecurity, get past the emotional responses?
Welcome to MIP Breaking - glad you found us and glad that you shared. For me, the answers came from working on my own recovery. Al-anon gave me all the tools I need to manage any situation - no matter how difficult it is.
You don't mention if you are going to meetings or not. If so, perhaps working the steps with a sponsor. If not, the answers may be in the program for you.
Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Welcome breathing,
There are other people like yourself in Alanon. It takes working the 12 steps and reading literature, plus meetings. The first step is that we realized our lives had become unmanageable. You have done that, so that is great. Reaching out can be difficult but now that you have hopefully you will stay with the program long enough to get the benefits we see and feel. Alanon is for people to refocus their attention on themselves so they can be healthy and have a peaceful existence. My A ex-bf took up a lot of my attention with negative things. My self-esteem suffered and I hardly felt like having friends. I remember feeling so isolated even when I had neighbors and people who were my friends. It works, now my life is stress free from alcoholic messes. Glad you found us, and keep coming back. There are online meetings here too.
Thank you all for your encouragement. I had a feeling that what I needed was a change in myself; there is something so scared in here and that can't be right.
There are meetings in my area Tuesday (today) night at 7pm. I will try to attend.
Awesome that you've researched meetings locally! I hope you make it and hope you come back and share how it went/was. What I missed before my first meeting that would have helped was to keep an open mind - try to listen for the similarities instead of the differences...
I had to go to a couple different meetings before I found my 'home'.....positive thoughts and prayers to you today!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you all for reading this - and providing me a safe space to share.
I have been through several unsteady years with my A. 7 total, about 5 of them with very deep lows. The last 2 have been particularly painful with at least 7-8 break up moments; although a break up never occurred. This spring I went on a solo trip for 30 days so that we could get some clarity apart; we ended up reconciling. Fast forward to today only 3 months later and that conversation is happening again.
During those 30 days, I did experience some major rebuilding of my confidence (although the first 7-10 days were absolutely horrible) and I reconnected with my loving support network. When I returned, I truly was ready for the end of that conversation. In the past, my codependent self was always angling to figure out how to control my A into the resolution I wanted. Of course, he is still an A and you can't change or control anyone.
Now though, as I'm in the midst of yet another tipping point, I'm reminded how little strategy I have for maintaining my calm, logical and strong self. In the moment, my face gets hot and I start to feel nauseous. I feel the crushing weight of despair coming on my head and my chest gets tight. The only thing I want to do is back out of the argument. Rewind to a moment before and change my reaction to stop it from happening. I want to fix it. I want it to be well; and I want that love that I've been holding out for these 7 years.
But I know that this is not in my best interest. How do we, in that moment of ultimate insecurity, get past the emotional responses?
I am sorry, but I just want to clarify -- what conversation are you wanting to have with him? Breaking up/ending the relationship? I ask because you refer to it as "back out of the argument" -- so I am a bit confused.
Exactly what conversation do you want to have with him? Thanks.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thanks Bo - it's an argument about something more trivial that escalates to a break up conversation. I think of the "backing out" as sort of swallowing my truth (over whatever the argument was about) and allowing his truth to lead... in order to preserve the relationship.
I've always justified it to myself because once we're out of the fury of the moment (maybe 3 days later or a week), I usually get the opportunity to rationally discuss my truth and what I feel is important.
The issue is that these escalations are unmanageable for me.
Thank you for listening. I know there's a lot of work for me to do! I appreciate this place of strength where I can be honest.
BreathingInAndOut - You described your physical reaction to the emotional issue very well - I can so relate....I also had a physical response when things began to escalate. It felt almost as if I was going to have a panic attack - anxiety attack or the like. Recovery in Al-Anon did help me with 'this'.
Before recovery, I felt I had to have a response and often blurted out what I felt without any thought. This was not a good habit as my A(s) would pounce almost in anticipation of an open door - or at least, that's how it felt. Where recovery has really helped me is to pause and gather myself before responding - I was a reactor and often had more emotion/drama in my reaction than necessary.
I believe you will find tools and support in Al-Anon recovery to help you with what you are experiencing. I know I did! Keep coming back!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thanks Bo - it's an argument about something more trivial that escalates to a break up conversation. I think of the "backing out" as sort of swallowing my truth (over whatever the argument was about) and allowing his truth to lead... in order to preserve the relationship.
I've always justified it to myself because once we're out of the fury of the moment (maybe 3 days later or a week), I usually get the opportunity to rationally discuss my truth and what I feel is important.
The issue is that these escalations are unmanageable for me.
Thank you for listening. I know there's a lot of work for me to do! I appreciate this place of strength where I can be honest.
Got it. Been there, done that, unfortunately for far too long...before I listened, learned, did the work, and got better.
It is common -- with an illogical person, an addict/alcoholic -- that a trivial conversation, disagreement, or anything, can lead to "another" discussion, about something entirely different. You end up arguing -- not about the original issue -- but about right/wrong, blame, who said what, and so on. However, is that really this issue here? A trivial argument that leads to a break up conversation? You certainly aren't talking about breaking up because of the trivial argument, and probably not even because of the break up conversation. My experience is that those things are the byproduct of the much larger issue, the much larger problem -- a byproduct of what is really going on. I also allowed my AW to "lead" -- and I did it to people-please, to have her not be angry at me, do try and make her happy, in a better mood, and so that...yes...maybe she wouldn't have to, want to, or need to drink. That was my sickness.
So, what is really going on here? What is the larger, bigger issue, the real problem? Well, you said it -- you have been through several unsteady years with him, 5 of 7 with very deep lows, the last 2 being particularly painful. The first 7 to 10 days of that solo trip -- you said were absolutely horrible -- why? That's a lot. So, be truthful, open and honest and have that conversation -- have several conversations -- with your sponsor. Start looking at YOU. You might find things like co-dependency, an unhealthy, toxic relationship/person, people-pleasing, and, and what you know is there...an alcoholic. There is the 2000 lb pink elephant in the room. And, a part of this is what you said -- you were always trying to figure out how to control him, get what you want, get him to do what you want, get him to stop, etc. My experience is, the longer we do that, the longer we remain unhappy. And, as you said -- of course, he is still an alcoholic and you can't change him, control him, etc.
I don't know what it is you are actually looking for. Are you looking to just have the conversation with him? Break up? Leave? Or, get what you want and stay? These are rhetorical questions.
You asked -- how do we, in that moment of ultimate insecurity, get past the emotional responses? I can share with you how I did it. I immersed myself in acceptance. I started meeting and talking with my sponsor. A lot. I started doing readings, every single morning and evening. I went to a lot of face to face meetings. And I started to look at myself -- with a laser precision focus, with intense, and extremely deep look, as open and honest as possible, with objectivity (my sponsor), and became willing to look at all the things I "denied" and didn't want to see. I then stopped trying to change the alcoholic, stopped trying to get them to stop, fix it, control it, and so on. I surrendered and embraced that I couldn't do a thing about her, her drinking, or her anything. Then I was able to let go. I focused on me. I stopped my role and contribution to all of the drama, chaos, and turmoil...and then I was able to focus on ME making changes in ME and for ME. Then I got better. Then I was able to make healthy decisions. And I did. And I am grateful, happy and my life is wonderful. It took a lot of work. Time takes time. Nothing changes if nothing changes, and that is about YOU.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Thanks Bo - it's an argument about something more trivial that escalates to a break up conversation. I think of the "backing out" as sort of swallowing my truth (over whatever the argument was about) and allowing his truth to lead... in order to preserve the relationship.
I've always justified it to myself because once we're out of the fury of the moment (maybe 3 days later or a week), I usually get the opportunity to rationally discuss my truth and what I feel is important.
The issue is that these escalations are unmanageable for me.
Thank you for listening. I know there's a lot of work for me to do! I appreciate this place of strength where I can be honest.
Here's a question my sponsor once asked me...because I was going through the same thing...after the blow up, explosion, and so on, after she said things I had hoped she didn't mean, hurtful things, after all the drama, chaos and turmoil...after all that...I usually got a chance to fully say what I really wanted to say. And, she was not explosive, so I felt good about having the chance and being able to say what I wanted to say...all this was good! Right?
So, my sponsor asked me the following questions...HOW'S THAT WORKING OUT FOR YOU?
What I realized is that it wasn't really making any difference whatsoever. Whatever I said -- didn't matter! She was unable or unwilling to change. Even though she said she would and could and wanted to. Even though she promised. Even though she heard me. Nothing changes if nothing changes. So...what did this mean to me? This was me SHOPPING FOR BREAD IN A HARDWARE STORE.
For me, this was denial, vacillation, rationalization, justification, it was anything and everything to make me feel better. To make me feel like she would stop. Now, I am not saying this is what's happening with you. But I would love to hear what your thinking is why you are justifying this. Thanks.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
I had very slow incremental change as I attended the Al Anon program week after week and tried to utilize some of the tools. I threatened to leave my AH every time I didn't feel heard or we had an explosive argument, I even dramatically went and packed my bags and drove off. But I never actually left and so it was really an empty threat. Looking back I was hurt and angry and wanted to get his attention to show him how serious it was but I didn't accomplish anything like that. Over time I have learned to say what I mean and mean what I say and I have stopped having that conversation with my AH unless I really mean it and really want to explore it. Al Anon has helped me put the focus back on me and what I need. It's been slow progress but it has added up to big changes and now I am at the point where I feel that whatever happens between my AH and I that I will be ok. If my marriage ends it won't be in a dramatic way that I used to behave it will be a calm and peaceful discussion (on my end) and I am so thankful for that. I have learned to put the focus on me and it has made me much stronger, healthier and happier to do that. Attending meeting is the best way to start. Keep coming back.
