The material presented
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i am from Hong Kong and he is from uk , we been together 2 years . He recently move to Hong Kong and said he want a new start in new place. But of coz the alocaholism follow him everywhere. Even beer in Hong Kong is cheaper then U.K. And can sell and drink everywhere like public . I was support him and try different way to help . Hospital, reharb, aa . We tried all but he keep relapse . And he verbally abuse and physical abuse me. I been calling police not just once. Now we staying same house. He don't have enough money to go anywhere else .and he still drunk and back , I felt tired to deal and I need to work everyday. What can I do ? I felt helpless
Hello Raklaanan Welcome You have taken the first step to regain your joy and self esteem. You reached out and asked for help. Good Job.
As you have seen alcoholism is a progressive, chronic fatal disease over which we are powerless. AA is the recovery program for the person who drinks and Alanon is a recovery program for friends and families of alcoholics.
In alanon we urge members to attend face to face meetings that are held in most communities (not sure of your country), to break the terrible isolation caused by living with the disease. In alanon I developed new constructive tools to live by, as I learned how to take care of myself in a healthy manner
You are not alone and there is hope Keep coming back here- read some of the postings and join our family
I checked and found a great alanon web site in Hong Kong with meeting schedules etc. Here is the address:
https://alanonhk.com/
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 26th of June 2017 01:25:35 PM
Welcome to the board, (((((Rakiaanan))))). I'm sorry for what you are going through, I was in a similar situation 6 months ago and also felt completely drained. It was then that I attended my first Alanon meeting, because nothing I did or said made the drinking - or my life - better. In Alanon I learned the three C's : I didn't Cause it, I can't Control it, I can't Cure it. Find an Alanon meeting in your area, there you will meet people who know what you are going through and there you will learn how to get better by learning new constructive tools to live by. Its great that you are reaching out, because there is help available. You are not alone... Keep coming back to this board as well, there's tons of support here.
Hi Raklaanan and welcome to MIP. I too have struggled with the disease of alcoholism in those I love. After trying everything to help them I finally realized through Al-Anon that I did not cause it, could not cure it and can't control it. The only one I can truly help is myself. I too was affected by the drinking of my loved ones and focused so much on them that ai wasn't taking care of myself. It is a big step for you to come here and share and thank you! If you can find a face to face meeting in Hong Kong where you meet with others affected by the disease it would be a bonus to your recovery. Verbal and physical abuse is unacceptable behavior...period. Please take care and keep coming back.
Hi Raklaanan....welcome to the board...I can't add too much to the great responses you already got, so I will just say "welcome" and you got support...You are not alone....the only thing you CAN help is yourself..He will have to either get into AA and start recovery or he will continually get worse...sad to say, but it never gets better without serious AA....what worries me is you say he physically abuses you??? I just re-read your post and you mention physical abuse...When they start doing that, it is time to find another place you can go to for safety, here we have domestic violence shelters a woman can go to if in danger..I hope in Hong Kong they have places for you to feel safe...This is a progressive disease..unless he gets help, he will become worse....Please keep posting here and hotrod gave you a link for the meets..When you go, ask them what safe places are there for you to go to to avoid being physically harmed.....you did the right thing reaching out...I'm glad you did...you CAN get your life back if you keep the focus on you and just let him learn his lessons on his own...You can't control him...nor cure him and you sure didn't cause this.......IN SUPPORT
thank you for all kind and warm message. He stop physical abuse me because I 100% will call police . And we already have social worker follow up our domestic violence case . but more worst is verbal abuse ,he knew how to make me down and i cant control my emotion when i saw him have one or two only (yes , what he mention is not a big deal after work but i start grumpy because next day i will see 4 or dayoff become 8) . or next day i find more cans hiding in home somewhere. lost trust and i control him more . it makes our relationship looks like - i am his parent . he back 30 mins late then i will think he get drunk in somewhere . I am a pretty free person when before i meet him . now i just become typical controlling gf because what i am worry is - he get drunk and start his unacceptable behavior . i believe most of you been forgiving not just once - one did many many time and now I just want him leave - but he knows if he leave - he will be homeless (and his family not want him as well ) , so he keep staying in my house and now tripped .
Someday I still have hope , imagine have good life with him . But after being this cycle . Faith have gone. I ask myself I deserve a better man . And love gone a little bit each time he verbal abuse me. I can't believe why a man will do this to their love one. Even my cat show me more love then him. Alcohol is really terrible things . It's truely destroyed family and human .
thank you for all kind and warm message. He stop physical abuse me because I 100% will call police . And we already have social worker follow up our domestic violence case . but more worst is verbal abuse ,he knew how to make me down and i cant control my emotion when i saw him have one or two only (yes , what he mention is not a big deal after work but i start grumpy because next day i will see 4 or dayoff become 8) . or next day i find more cans hiding in home somewhere. lost trust and i control him more . it makes our relationship looks like - i am his parent . he back 30 mins late then i will think he get drunk in somewhere . I am a pretty free person when before i meet him . now i just become typical controlling gf because what i am worry is - he get drunk and start his unacceptable behavior . i believe most of you been forgiving not just once - one did many many time and now I just want him leave - but he knows if he leave - he will be homeless (and his family not want him as well ) , so he keep staying in my house and now tripped . Someday I still have hope , imagine have good life with him . But after being this cycle . Faith have gone. I ask myself I deserve a better man . And love gone a little bit each time he verbal abuse me. I can't believe why a man will do this to their love one. Even my cat show me more love then him. Alcohol is really terrible things . It's truely destroyed family and human .
I am reading your story and remembering when I was in same situation...I didn't want to give up, but it finally beat me down to the point where I knew i either had to leave or die inside....I so relate to what you are saying...I do hope you can get into some meetings and talk with some other folks in the meets to have some face to face support....on line is good, but person to person is better.....I am so sorry this has happened to you, but only you can help you.....verbal abuse leaves scars too...inside and they take a long time to go away....Please keep coming back here and posting...you are not alone...most of us have been in your situation and through alanon, we did find much better lives for ourselves.....unless he gets into AA and really works a strong program, he will only get worse...and yes...alcohol is just dreadful...I wish it didn't exist but it does and it destroys lives but I will , thanks to the program and support network I have , will never let it beat me down again...I won't even date anyone who drinks...i don't want it around me....I used to drink a beer here and there, even went to parties, but I got so sick of the insanity of it all, I cut all the drinkers out of my life.....Just don't want it around me......Take care....
(((Raklaanan))You are correct--It is indeed a dreadful disease .Please do contact the alanon office and find a face to face meetiing to attend. It is here that I was given new tools to live by and because of breaking the isolation caused by living with the disease, my self esteem, courage and peace of mind were restored.
There is hope
I am just really confuse how long I need to stay in this ? Is it time to leave ? Should I have hope ? Do I deserve better . I already contacted the Alanon hk . I can't talk to people there until Sunday because the meeting time is close to my finish work time . Please advise what should I think / do now?
You have come to the right place.
Here we try to not focus on what the Alcoholic is doing/saying, whether he is drinking or not drinking, but on ourselves.
You have already asked yourself, do I deserve better ? ("I ask myself I deserve a better man?").
This is what AlAnon is all about. Think of what is best for you.
Think of what can you do to move yourself from a situation where you are suffering to a situation where you feel serenity.
Keep reading here and come to our online meetings.
Hello again Raklaanan..Glad you found a face to face meeting that you can go to o Sunday. You may have to go to a few meetings to find one that you can really relate to. In Al-Anon work is done on ourselves as we have been affected by another's drinking. It took me awhile and quite a few meetings for my thinking to clear enough to make any decisions. It sounds like you are the one working and the one with the home? I learned to really Listen and Learn at my Face to face meetings for more clarity before making big decisions. Certainly as mentioned above if there is physical abuse your welfare must come first.
-- Edited by Stan1 on Wednesday 28th of June 2017 04:00:39 PM
I am just really confuse how long I need to stay in this ? Is it time to leave ? Should I have hope ? Do I deserve better . I already contacted the Alanon hk . I can't talk to people there until Sunday because the meeting time is close to my finish work time . Please advise what should I think / do now?
Hi!!! how long do you stay?? that depends on when you decide you have had enough....is your boyfriend even trying to get into AA?? wanting help??? or is he just drinking and being verbally abusive???? I can't tell you to go or when, all I can say is that if this were ME, I would be gone b/c of his being an active alcoholic who is abusive (the abuse, be it verbal or physical would end it for me) but you have to decide for yourself...We dont' give advice here because it woudln't be right..This is your life, your lesson, your thing you have to work through...we can and will support you and tell you what WE did in same situation and make suggestions that you go to meetings..find a sponsor...work the steps so you can figure out WHY you think that this man is OK and healthy for you....ask yourself this: if your daughter told you SHE was with an active alcoholic who was NOT in recovery and being abusive, what would you tell her???? and I dont' know you but I can tell you that you for CERTAIN deserve someone who will treat you with respect and be a healthy partner to be with....he does not sound healthy at all....after working alanon for a while, I totally changed whom I will allow in my life....the toxic people are no longer welcome in my life...I dn't want them..I don't want the abusers and the cheaters and the drinkers and users...I don't want anything to do with them because that is not the path I want my life to be in.....before recovery, I had no self esteem and settled for less then what I deserve and I paid the price....those times are over with......please keep coming back...you sound like a very sweet lady who knows deep down that this is unhealthy for you........this program will, I promise, if you work it, help you live a much healthier and happier life .........take care
Aloha Rakiaanan...welcome to the Family. First things first? Call the number of the meeting in HongKong and see if someone can talk to you outside of your work hours, then find out where and when the meetings are held. Find some ladies who have time in the program under their belts and sit with them and listen, listen, listen before just doing your own thing. This is a deadly disease and if you already have progress into the physical, mental and emotional abuse stages you will need support just as you have come here for it. MIP has hundreds of supporters...It is that huge a disease. We have been thru it ourselves both men and women.
I am amazed that someone from Hong Kong checked in!!! That makes me feel or even sound dumb because I know that alcoholism is in every country on the planet. Please keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
Rakiaanan. I am so sorry you are going through this. Please find a safe place to be for a while so you can think this through. Abuse is abuse and will only get worse with his escalating drinking. Please take care and sending you thoughts and prayers.
Personal safety should always be a first priority, no matter how much we care for another. Please take good care of yourself!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Personal safety should always be a first priority, no matter how much we care for another. Please take good care of yourself!
He hit you again?? This is dangerous...please think on what Jazzie and Iamhere wrote: he is going to get worse if he does not get help and I am talking LIFETIME work on not just getting sober but staying sober.....he is an abuser....Violent drunk....Dangerous.....It will only get worse as his drinking takes him over....YOU cannot help HIM...HE has to reach out for help and stay on the program....If this were me, I would press assault charges on him., Let him know that abuse is NEVER acceptable...then I would be gone...Abuse is non negotiable to me....I do hope you make decisions to take care of you....I can't tell you what to do..All I can do is tell you that every alcoholic I've seen that gets abusive to their friends or family, they ALWAYS get worse unless they get into rehab and begin and stay with a strong recovery program....My youngest brother is banned from my sister's home, by her daughter, because his last visit (he is drug addict) he was physically abusive to her pet dog...the daughter banned him from the property...He crossed a line becoming abusive......I'm just telling you what I have seen......Take care of you!!!
today . i called police because he hit me agaib . i have reason to leave now -
Good, calling the police....and yes, you have plenty of reason to leave and NOW before he really hurts you or even kills you...I am serious..Women get killed all the time by drunken and violent partners ...Also, I have read that a beater is a beater and a cheater is a cheater, meaning that that kind of behavior is already in them...the alcohol only removes the inhibitions ...Many alcoholics to NOT ever get violent with their loved ones because it is not in them to start with....the alcoholics who do get violent , I would never trust them to not do it again under stressful situations.....This is just what I have read and heard and heard it from alcholics themselves.......I really hope you love yourself enough to say "ENOUGH" and put yourself and your needs for safety first.......
Raklaanan so good you called the police, NO ONE ever deserves to be hit and you are not going to be able to change his behavior. Just need to take care of yourself and be safe.
thanks for all reply and support . i always imagine he will be change and his mental status will be stable , be clean . but the fact is he is a beater and cheater and good at saying sorry . He already left the house so I am really safe and my brain start not worry him every single second . But start to need to deal with loneliness. And empty house . I know I can find a better man even he said 'how much he love me '
I am glad you called the police. This is a line that should never be crossed. Period. Sickness or not, disease or not. Personally, I always looked at the alcoholic/addict and asked the question -- do they want to stop, get better, have they decided to get better, live a life of recovery, and so on. Yes, we focus on us. I get that. But, nothing changes if nothing changes. So I make change in me. But at a certain point, if the alcoholic/addict hasn't decided to stop/quit, get better, find recovery, and so on -- then that tells me what I am dealing with and leads me to what I have to do, decide, change, etc.
Keep coming back.
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Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
(((Hugs))) - that loneliness is difficult.....I can relate. Sending you tons of positive thoughts and prayers for healing/peace!!
__________________
Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
I am glad you called the police. This is a line that should never be crossed. Period. Sickness or not, disease or not. Personally, I always looked at the alcoholic/addict and asked the question -- do they want to stop, get better, have they decided to get better, live a life of recovery, and so on. Yes, we focus on us. I get that. But, nothing changes if nothing changes. So I make change in me. But at a certain point, if the alcoholic/addict hasn't decided to stop/quit, get better, find recovery, and so on -- then that tells me what I am dealing with and leads me to what I have to do, decide, change, etc.
Keep coming back.
Bo put it exactly what I was gonna say.....there is a line that should NEVER be crossed and he crossed it many times....Like you even said....he is a cheater and a beater...listen to yourself just for a moment...you KNOW this is unhealthy and that is why you called the police and HOPEFULLY , PRAYING (and I don't pray) but HOPING you NEVER let him back in......and what Bo says is spot on...."nothing changes if nothing changes" and those changes have to be ME..within ME..about ME.......re-read what Bo says here...this is the absolute truth, ive seen it alll throughout my life....nothing changes if nothing changes....but I can change ME and take care of ME......if another's life style, choice are not healthy for me??? I can't fix/change them, but I for SURE can change and fix MY thinking why I have this in my life...do I want this in my life and if the answer is "NO", then I come to decision....action....(changing ME)........i hope i made sense here...You are plenty smart enough to know whats going on here and I hope that smart mind goes into your heart...yes, it is sad to be alone, when I got rid of my abuser, I was astounded at the quiet house...No horror shows at 1 - 2 am...no more having to run outside in my undies to get away from him....NO MORE BEING AFRAID.....its like removing a REAL bad tooth that ached adn ached...you pull it out and YES..the first few days, you have a bleeding hole in your mouth and it HURTS, BUT, that kind of hurt heals...that is a productive pain....that pain will lead you to a ache free mouth.....but leaving the tooth in there????? all you get is pain and more pain till it gets infected and you have other issues with your body....the infection can go all through your system and you get so sick you could even die.......you see what I am saying here???? I am sure you do b/c your posts show me a very sharp young lady who WAY deserves better than this....and when you get over the pain and get out , you will find someone who will treat you like the nice little lady that you are.........supporting you and sending you comfort hugs.....
Rakiaanan one of the things that helped me so much when I separated from my alcoholic/addict wife was that I filled the empty spaces with people in the program of Al-Anon. I not only got new friends and family and I got new friends and family who had much success in recovery and then that included MIP. My present wife is not an alcoholic addict and is a member of Al-Anon and she has been gone for 9 weeks visiting family in the u.s. and while yes at times I miss her the program has showed me that I don't NEED HER. She is my wife, not my higher power. She is a very very good lady and awesome lady and still I don't need her. I have my program and recovery and my Higher Power and am good. Keep on keeping on. ((((hugs))))
Hi Rakiaanan. I'm very sorry that you went through this. You did not deserve this abusive treatment. None of it is your fault. Now that he is gone I would still suggest to go to your Al-Anon meetings. You can get support there and learn tools that will help you not only heal from this but with other relationships in the future.
some update.. he already back to his home country two weeks ago..and last week was telling me going to detox .... now everyday I feel lost . Repeating going work , going home .... life seems missing something. I know time might fix this feeling.. And one thing , I still talk to him .. and seems we really not break up , and I don't want to too hurt him to let him go more crazy .. I know Here always said -we can't control their behaviour . But sometimes I still think , if I change how to say something- it will help I little bit .. And of coz I agree it's their decision. Sometimes just need to think more selfish after being in a relationship. Now just lost the direction...
Good to see you back Rakiaanan - sorry for the pain and confusion still happening because of the disease. Be gentle with you as best you can and do things that make you happy. I do believe what is meant to be will be and none of us have a crystal ball to know what the future brings....Keep coming back - there is always hope and help in recovery!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Find out where Al-Anon Family Groups get together in your area and go as early as you can...look for the literature and stay for the meetings and sit and listen with an open mind. Learn how it was that you chose an alcoholic/addict for your relationship. Keep coming back ((((hugs))))
Hi, Rakiaanan, I'm glad your back, as there's help and hope available. I can understand what you're going through as I went through something very similar myself... I started with small steps in recovery, but it helped me very much all the same. In the beginning, the Just for today prayer helped me - I read it in the morning. The last paragraph is especially hopeful, I found:
Just for today - I will be unafraid. Especially I will not be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful and to believe that as I give to the world, so the world will give to me.
Be gentle with yourself, and keep coming back. (((Hugs)))
