The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's page author realized that bitterness directed toward the qualifier was causing great self harm, and as with most things, concluded that there was a choice: Continue to carry bitterness based on blame and resentment, or change perspective and find peace.
The author chose the latter, acknowledging partial responsibility for how things had developed and a reluctance to admit the need for self recovery. There was a lesson to be learned and a burden to be shed.
Reminder: I will not allow old resentments to drag me down any longer. I am building a better and more loving life today.
"Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt." Mary McLeod Bethune
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This reading reminded me of the old question 'Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?' Before beginning recovery, I relentlessly sought to be right... everyone lost. When I stop keeping score, look for learning opportunities from which to make changes within myself, peace is within my grasp.
So grateful for the reminders
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Great Reminder Paul. I became willing to let go of my destructive tools of anger, resentment, blame, judgment , gossip, and criticism when I accepted the fact that I was only "Hurting " myself with these actions and attitudes.
The Steps and HP helped me in this process . Deciding to place "principles above personalities" also allowed me to treat everyone with courtesy and respect which permitted my compassion and empathy to surface.
Thanks for your service.
Great, great reading today - thank you Paul and Betty for your ESH! Thank you Paul for your service and the daily.
Boy howdy....I learned from birth forward about conditional love, acceptance, intolerance and judgement. I was one who judged a book by it's cover, knew right from wrong and certainly felt I was better than those who had lesser values!!! PFFFFFTTTTTTTT - what a rude awakening recovery was for me.
What I learned in recovery is that we are all equal in the eyes of our creator. If he wanted me to have a greater role in the universe, he would have let me know by now. I was one among many - no better and no worse, and each of us and our imperfections have a place in this world!! Took me a long, long, long time to 'get here'...and still when I am uncomfortable or uncertain, there is a part of my old habits that wants to rise up. So grateful for the gifts of prayer, meditation, pause and more!
I had many resentments when I arrived. I felt forgiveness and letting go suggested I condoned bad behavior in others. What I've come to realize is most around me accept my bad behavior - why can't I be the same for others? I have not led a perfect life and I have tons of love, support and grace given to me every day from lovely family and friends. Why can't I 'be' and allow others to 'be' also?
As a double winner who has been sober almost 30 years, Al-Anon was frightening to me....I did not want to show up to meetings and find a group of people who sat around and bashed the alcoholic in their lives. This unrealistic fear almost caused me to 'miss out' big time. I had to attend a few meetings to feel at home and am so grateful that those who arrived before me were gentle, loving and align with Al-Anon principles.....in most instances of my face-to-face meetings, I have no idea what brought people to Al-Anon and that's how it should be!
My recovery today is for me and about me. Until I could accept this is a disease, and I was part of the problem, I could not easily let go or forgive. Accepting my own 'isms' and allowing the grace of the program to enter my open mind has given me the ability to love unconditionally and treat all with respect and kindness. There is no room in my program or life for bitterness, resentments or regret! It does work when we work it.
Make it a great day - 6 wins and 2 losses for the week-end warrior softball player! Ankle is on the mend well - I even ran for myself....happy Monday!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
Thank you Paul, for your service. Today's C2C is a good one! I believe it is an especially good one for newcomers to this family disease. Why? Because when you are finally sick of all the crazy, and you have nowhere else to turn, you stumble upon forums and you finally see that other people are living very similar lives of crazy that you are!!! You immediately find relief... but then you begin hearing slogans and slowly begin to realize that those slogans are there for a reason! You really CAN'T control this disease, or the person immersed in it. But, and this was a huge but for me - you find that you are still sick with bitterness. Anger and resentment towards your qualifier clouds your judgement and you stall at STEP ONE.
It's not until you finally realize that all that bitterness and resentment directed to your qualifier is causing YOU great harm do you begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
For me, the quote, '... change perspective and find peace' was like a light bulb moment for me! "Forgiving is not forgetting, it's letting go of the hurt." - Mary McLeod Bethune's quote is spot on!!
Today I am tired of causing MYSELF pain... I will choose a different path.
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"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
Wow, I held resentment in an iron clad wall until into program about two years. I thought if I put my guard down, I would be hurt over and over and over again, as for the last 12 years or so. I didn't realize how sick I had become. My protection plan was not working at all. And it didn't affect my A at all! She just continued with all her addictive qualities and couldn't see or understand any suffering on my part. I think Alanon showed me that I didn't have to suffer any longer. I could take time to figure out my future while I healed. What a concept! Thanks all, Lyne
One thought that helped me was the idea that with the resentment that I was feeling, I wasn't respecting his right to be who he is. He is who he is. He gets to choose, not me. (I get to choose for me). I could put my guard down if I could know that he would be who he is... and then I got aware, had to accept, exactly who he was.
But then came the sadness that he was choosing what he was choosing. I didn't want to accept that he would choose what he chose. He was acting exactly how he had to act.... and I had to accept it.
Actually that is quite freeing- to accept and not to resent. Can't be bitter over that.
I don't know if I ever mentioned that I have an adopted daughter here...I was (before my recovery) going with her dad...he was an alcoholic so marriage was OUT of the question, but I did legally share his daughter...
well she treats me horribly one moment, nice the next AS LONG as I never need her for anything...recovery has helped me put distance but with compassion and decency...I am grateful that she lets me see the kids and I just "don't go there" re: holidays which she liked to ruin for me until I decided to do holidays on my own...and mother's day IF i am lucky I may get a facebook PM from her....
I just see it as "it is what it is " and the only thing I can change is ME!! so-- no expectations of her.....If i get ill and need ride to doctor, I call someone else, I do holidays with my friends or just hang out with me, myself and I at the house and I am at PEACE.....I don't have to be right anymore and I SURELY can't and don't try to change her....I just detached, maybe, if I am brutally honest with myself, I don't love her as much, but I do and will ALWAYS care about her as a human being who needs to get into alanon and work out her issues re: her dad's still drinking...HE gets the good treatment, I get the passive aggressive abuse...
so I detached from it..I just don't put me in a place where she can "Zing" me again....I don't depend on her for a thing...it seems to work because in taking care of me , the resentments are way lower...I do life on my own terms with people who treat me with respect....I visit the house to see the kids and I am kind and loving to her because she is a human being , and I forgive her because she is only hurting herself and not me anymore......Its her choice and her life...I set her free to make her own mistakes and learn her own lessons....If she ever wants to get into alanon, I will step up and support her anyway I can, but SHE has to want to get help...
Bitter?? I used to be but not anymore...I can actually laugh and joke with her because I took my life back and I don't set me up for her to hurt me anymore..I know the areas where I must stay away from and things are good....I will pray for her and wish her well, but I have reduced my wanting to be around her for obvious reasons....anyway, just thought I would toss my 2 cents worth in....
