Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene

Lee51 · Member

Struggling to Make Decisions

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Let me encourage you not to beat up on yourself and to try a gratitude list because as I found out when I thought all was done and over I was wrong. Yes finding a sponsor is really helpful along with getting as many phone numbers of the local groups to call for help. Stick with us Lee, keep checking in cause you are important in recovery. ((((hugs)))) confuse

shrnp · Senior Member

Hello Lee,
It is very difficult to be alone with someone who is drinking everyday especially if they become belligerent. My latest ex-abf wanted me to sit and listen to him rant a rave. Another ex-abf would get depressed and cry. Neither situation was pleasant but it is the possibility of violence that might make it reasonable for you to call a domestic violence hotline. The police know of safe houses that help in emergencies. Living with alcoholism is not a requirement for being a decent human being. I use to think that I owed somebody something or that I was designated to live my life as a servant to some alcoholic, that everybody needed to feel loved ect. ect.. That is very far from the truth, sure everyone deserves to be loved but so do we. We deserve to live in a safe and peaceful environment, free from stress that can make us sicker than what we already might be. Sometimes we try so hard and it does not matter. There are many people who learn to live with an alcoholic spouse, and some spouses get help. Either way, it takes time but you are certainly worth it, so keep coming back, and I hope things get better for you.

Iamhere · ~*Service Worker*~

Hey there (((Lee))) - I hope you can be gentle with yourself - like you, I tend to struggle with life/functioning when I don't feel well. I also am not a super patient person and what I have managed to gain in recovery tends to fly out the window faster when I am under the weather.

My best suggestion is to return to your meetings - as many as you can - to see if you can get some balance back into your recovery. Living with this disease is very difficult and for me, it was so very helpful for me to jump into the middle of Al-Anon. Try to focus just on one day at a time - and keep coming back!

Lee51 · Member

Thanks for your response. I'm hoping I'm well enough to get to my next meeting. They were helping so much in my keeping a positive attitude. I'm taking this setback as a "sign" that I need to co

Bo · ~*Service Worker*~

Lee51 wrote:
I'm really struggling with making decisions right now. I started attending meetings twice a week a few months ago, but then a sudden illness has kept me away the past couple weeks. I'm still not 100% recovered and reminding myself that not feeling well is adding to my stress.
I'm a year from retirement and am seriously considering leaving my husband. He is off from work for the summer and starts drinking beer by 10AM and continues till he falls asleep. Some days I feel so disgusted that I can barely contain my feelings. He becomes very belligerent and verbally abusive which makes it difficult for me to feel kind toward him when he is sober. We have had several arguments lately and I have been afraid he was going to hit me. A couple times I left in the car and just drove around until I figured he was asleep. He is neglecting our house and yard, won't keep up with mail, etc. I am resenting having to do everything. We still have a mortgage on our home, my kids are grown and none live within a day's drive, so I'm not sure where I would even go. I have no close friends because I've been ashamed of letting people into this mess of a life. The entire situation is complicated because I do have a young grandchild here (the parents never married) who has been in treatment for a serious disease and I can't stand the thought of not being near him.
I do not have a sponsor yet, so that's another strike against me.
I guess I'm just looking for some words of encouragement right now. I'm doing my readings every morning and night, but feel they just aren't sticking right now.
Thanks for letting me vent.

Get back to the basics -- the very basic -- start going to meetings again. Find a sponsor. Start talking to him/her. A lot. Start doing the work with your sponsor.

Slow down, relax, breathe. Decisions are not absolute. They aren't usually RIGHT NOW or death, LOL. Just relax and get to a meeting. That's the next step for you to take.

Enigmatic · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome back Lee, always good to have you here.

I feel for your experience with the isolation, loneliness, and uncertainty; that is what brought me to the rooms of AlAnon. For the first time in years, that is where I first found true relief and the insight and tools to help me find my way to healthier perspectives, decisions, and serenity.

In AlAnon I learned that I do not know what is best for myself and certainly not for others, and thus try to avoid telling others what I feel they should do, what their next step should be, etc. The suggestion to seek out meetings, literature and others in the fellowship as mentioned by others above, however, is truly the best way to find a spiritual solution that will guide you to the peace you seek.

The one exception to giving specific advice that Alanon notes is where personal safety is involved. I feel a great deal of concern for you when you mention your fear that your qualifier may turn physical violence toward you.

In addition to reaching out to AlAnon, please do not ignore this fear, talk with someone who deals with domestic violence. There are many sources available for search online, if you are concerned about browser history, one is National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) , thehotline.org where there are many resources: info, online chat, 24-hr phone support.

You are not alone, we are pulling for you, hang in there...and please care for your safety!

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene