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I am not sure what to title this yet because I just need to get it out. My AH was drinking yesterday he came home early from work and started drinking so by the time I got home he must have been intoxicated but I wasn't expecting it and so I didn't notice. Lately he has been trying to curb his drinking and many nights during the week he won't drink and so I "forget" so darn quickly. At dinner I got roped into a conversation where he was asking for advice about doing something (he knows how to rope me in) and I took the bait rolled up my sleeves and tried to solve the problem for him until we reached a certain point and he said "Nah I don't want to do that anyway" with a little smirk on his face. I was mad but if I am honest I was mostly mad at myself. What happened to my program? Why did I jump in so quickly to solve a problem that wasn't mine to solve? When he changed tactics like that so quickly I identified at once that that he was drunk that and the derogatory nasty language that slipped out of his mouth while we were talking was a tip off. I went out with a friend for a few hours (as planned). And as I was getting ready to go out he mentioned how my friend stands me up and he hopes she doesn't do that to me tonight he would hate to see me miss a fun evening. I had a great time with my friend and lots of laughs and I am so glad I went out. I got a text on my way home that was confusing so I just called him to tell him I would be home in a minute and help him then and he sounded even more intoxicated. He couldn't set the alarm clock he wanted my help but was refusing to give me the alarm clock and didn't want me to turn on the light so I said "sorry I can't help you if I can't hold it and see it" and I left the room. He asked me back handed me the alarm clock and I set the alarm and went downstairs. In the past I would get so frustrated when he refused to let me help him but I didn't feel that way last night. He then came downstairs (even though he was already in bed with every light in the house off) and proceeded to tell me he watched the final episode of a tv show we had been watching together while I was out. I said ok and set up the TV to watch the episode myself. He doesn't usually do that but I have offered to him in the past that if he wants to watch it to just do that and let me know. So I set up the TV to watch it myself. He asked me twice if I was mad and I said no I'm not mad and ended it because there is no point trying to have a discussion with someone who is drunk. He then went back up to bed and came down again and said "I didn't actually watch the whole thing I just watched the first 20 minutes of it but I felt guilty watching it without you". I said "OK so why did you tell me you watched the whole thing?"....silence......"I forgot". I said ok and he went to bed. So there I was 10 minutes into an episode of a show we had been watching together which is one of the things we do together trying to figure out what I should do. Should I watch it? Should I stop watching it? Should I watch something else? I felt so manipulated I was very angry and sad at this point. So I watched it (the whole thing) enjoyed it and went to bed in a separate room. Wait! before I went to bed I did some investigative work because my old habits are hard to break and it pretty much looks like he didn't watch the episode at all. Not the whole thing not 20 minutes but really didn't watch it at all. I feel so disheartened, frustrated and hurt. I know it's not such a big deal the actual facts of the situation (we have had much more serious issues than this) but the part that really bothers me is the manipulation of my emotions (or at least the attempt to do so). In the past I would have been questioning my own sanity by the end of the night wondering why I was so angry because every little thing would have worked on me and I would have been raging. I definitely wouldn't have slept. I am grateful to this program for the insight I gained. This morning my daughter got up and she had drawn something on her arm again (after a discussion last week where I asked her not to draw on her arms with pen) she turned her arm away and said "What are you talking about there's nothing on my arm" I calmly told her not to do that. Not to try to convince me that what I see isn't there. She agreed and it was ok. But it struck me that it bothers me when she does that because that is the sort of thing my AH does to me. Tries to convince me that what I see or hear isn't accurate (I know she's not trying to do that exactly but sometimes I really think he is). It used to make me question my own sanity. Nights like last night make me feel like I don't want to be in this marriage anymore. So if I reflect on this issue I would say that I let myself fall into denial a little when I just started to assume that because he wasn't drinking as much and things were getting better that it was going to stay that way. I'm so glad I pulled myself out of it. I let myself fall into trying to solve his problem and give advice which is my old behaviour that wasn't working for me. I was pretty good at detachment and not getting hooked into any arguments or have any angry outbursts. I felt confident in my ability to trust my own judgement. Oh and when I found myself getting frustrated or worried we would have an argument I asked my higher power to be with me and that really helped me to remain calm. In fact I just handed my AHs behaviour over to my HP and that allowed me to deal with the situation. Oh and best of all I got a decent sleep. I didn't try to sleep in a room with a loudly snoring, alcohol smelling AH, I didn't stay up stewing about the problem because I put it in my HPs hands for the night. I just went to bed and went right to sleep. Thanks for reading/listening. Any ESH is welcome :)
Good for you for letting go, letting God and getting a good night's sleep! Sounds like you utilize the wisdom of the program really well, even if with some slips :) Progress not perfection! I know my abf is a master at mind games, I just couldn't wrap my head around the insanity quite often. Its gotten a lot easier for me to let go because we're now living separately for almost a month already, and its a lot easier - if he's acting crazy or manipulative with me, I can just hang up the phone or leave his apartment if I'm visiting, if it gets too much... Like right now, actually. I've just had several very unproductive video calls with him, and he says he hasn't been drinking but is stoned, in any case, crazy talk, blaming etc... So grateful for Alanon... I managed to enjoy my cappuccino while talking to him, and that's saying something. :) Keep coming back, you are doing great!
I think I go back to I didn't get here over night I'm not going to stop over night and the best that I have is learning quickly when I slip and when I stop.
That whole thing about telling someone they didn't see what they saw is a big sticking point for me because that's how I grew up. That is not ok. I have learned to stand in my own truth and STOP JADE'ing how I feel or what I saw .. I had a bit of a slip today. I still get stuck in needing to hear the validation that I did see what I saw. So it's important for me to just know .. I know what I know and it is what it is. Standing in that truth though helps me know what I see is valid what I feel is valid and allowing the other person to live in the denial .. kids are different because my daughter did the arm drawing which actually lead to cutting later on. She has dealt with it however I learned that needed to be addressed.
Letting God and letting go is the way to go.
Big hugs :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
There is a term that is used often by program people regarding this subject of the A trying to convince us we didn't see what we saw or hear what we heard. It is "Gaslighting". There is an old movie with Ingrid Bergman where her husband does it to her in order to make her appear insane. I watched the movie not to long ago, and although it is a very extreme example of the term, it does shed some light! I gave up trying to prove him wrong and myself right and just accepted that it was a part of the dance and I had to step out of it. It has helped my serenity immensely to just not participate.
My night last night had strong similarities to yours. Luckily, yesterday was my F2F meeting and after work I went for a pedicure, so I was relaxed and rejuvenated. I came home to my AH passed out on the deck in a chaise lounge in 102 degree weather. I had to decide then and there how I was going to feel for the evening and I chose to feel calm, cool (after turning on the AC!!!) and collected. I changed my clothes, put away the groceries and then went to wake him. He came in, changed out of the sweaty stuff he was in, and I made sandwiches for dinner. He ate a bit and then went to bed. I had the rest of the evening to relax, read a book, watch whatever I wanted on TV and then go to sleep in the guest room. I too don't sleep in our bed when he is drinking heavily. I don't sleep at all if I try to do it. So, I got settled in the guest room, which I have prepped to be ready for me at any time and slept just fine. When I woke, I had to decide again how to react to him and I chose to be calm and courteous. It allowed my morning to go smoothly, without any needs for amends!
It really does work if you work it. I am grateful for this program which allows me to be okay, regardless of what my AH does.
Keep up the good work. Progress not perfection, and one day at a time.
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Bethany
"Folks are usually about as happy as they make their minds up to be." Abe Lincoln
Wow!...felt like I was reading my very own strory from a couple of days ago!..I walked into the same trap with my AH (help me!/no dont help me!)and was thinking the same thing why on earth did I fall for it so easily. I just take each and learn from them for the next attempt. Gaslighting is very really in my situation and nothing is as it seems so I have to be very careful because the disease is so slick that if Im tired, stressed or having a crappy day in general I'll always fall for it. Good for you using your tools in both situations and seeing through the crazy!!!!
Great post. have compassion for yourself for not perfecting detachment, lol
when I practice the opposite of detachment... an attachment to my secret wish or expectation that "they" will get better, or that things should be different than they are... when I am in resistance to "what is".... I feel irritable too. it's okay, every day is just another opportunity to keep practicing, just as you are doing (((big hugs)))
It was hard for me to accept that alcoholics lie, part of the disease. I was once told that if the lips of an alcoholic are moving, they're probably lying. this helped ME to stop taking it personally.
Is it possible that by going along with what he asks you to do (like setting an alarm clock for an adult who should be able to) leaves you feeling this is not right for you, so you walk away feeling resentful??
I remember granting him his every wish through gritted teeth, just so I wouldn't have to "pay the price" for saying no. but i alone am responsible for my people-pleasing resentments. when I detached from his expectations of me and learned to say no to him, I felt more true to myself.
Like Bethany, I committed to more meetings to help me stay in the peace of detachment, also a daily spiritual routine....
Because it's not a matter of if but WHEN something will happen that I won't agree with. My former husband is not even in my life today, yet the opportunities to practice are constant.
-- Edited by 2HP on Thursday 22nd of June 2017 10:36:50 AM
KT - great share and I too believe you've demonstrated how it works when we work it.....progress is good enough for me today - it took me a long time to 'get there' as I was raised to do/be/try perfect. Goodness - I know I wore me out trying for that and when I heard progress, not perfection I really thought that was so backwards.
I have come to truly believe nobody is perfect and we are all just here to do what we can each and every day to live a life with joy and peace. One day at a time. That's been one of the best gifts the program gave to me - just today. Yesterday is already the past and I can't change it. I can learn from it and try to be/do better today. That's it - I am grateful that I can 'cut me slack' as I've always been able to offer others. I have to admit I have been my own worse critic for most of my life.
(((Hugs))) - you got this!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
awwww hugs to all of you. Thank you for your feedback. I love this program and I love all of you. (((((HUGS)))) I like that whole thing of "when I am in resistance to what is I am irritable" lol that's exactly it. Progress not perfection is such a powerful reminder. The support I get here is overwhelmingly supportive and helpful. Thank you.
