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You all know how it goes. It's a little different for my ex-AH, because he's a binge drinker, so there are periods of calm. He was in one of those for a while, and he moved in with a friend and things seemed to be on an even keel.
But then of course everything fell apart. I got word that the friend came home and found him passed out on the sidewalk. He appears to have hurt himself but wouldn't go to the doctor, and told a different story to everyone, and then was so incapacitated that it was clear he needed medical attention. He told everyone that the friend was taking him to the hospital, but he didn't tell the friend. And so on. He disappeared twice. Last he was seen, he was extremely unwell, and right now everyone is trying to find him.
As I said before, I am many thousands of miles away, so I can't be sucked into this too directly. But our mutual friends are reporting on it to me, and it's obvious they are frantically trying to save his life. So I'm just sitting over here while bits of alarming news trickle in.
I have reached acceptance on his alcoholism, for me. But I am just so sad for our child, who wants a healthy and responsive dad. Alcoholism is sad for everyone but I think saddest for the children. I am not telling our kid (who is a teenager now) about these latest developments right now, at least until the situation is a little clearer. But it's hard to think that this will have a wholly happy ending. So just taking it day by day. Thanks for letting me vent.
(((Mattie)) I am so very sorry to read of this new development. I experienced a similar situation with my son , with neighbors and friends calling and searching frantically. i agree the children do suffer the most from this dreadful disease.
You all know how it goes. It's a little different for my ex-AH, because he's a binge drinker, so there are periods of calm. He was in one of those for a while, and he moved in with a friend and things seemed to be on an even keel.
But then of course everything fell apart. I got word that the friend came home and found him passed out on the sidewalk. He appears to have hurt himself but wouldn't go to the doctor, and told a different story to everyone, and then was so incapacitated that it was clear he needed medical attention. He told everyone that the friend was taking him to the hospital, but he didn't tell the friend. And so on. He disappeared twice. Last he was seen, he was extremely unwell, and right now everyone is trying to find him.
As I said before, I am many thousands of miles away, so I can't be sucked into this too directly. But our mutual friends are reporting on it to me, and it's obvious they are frantically trying to save his life. So I'm just sitting over here while bits of alarming news trickle in.
I have reached acceptance on his alcoholism, for me. But I am just so sad for our child, who wants a healthy and responsive dad. Alcoholism is sad for everyone but I think saddest for the children. I am not telling our kid (who is a teenager now) about these latest developments right now, at least until the situation is a little clearer. But it's hard to think that this will have a wholly happy ending. So just taking it day by day. Thanks for letting me vent.
I am so sorry to hear that you are in this situation. I understand how this goes as I too have been in this exact situation as well -- as recently as last week when I got a text message regarding a suicide attempt. Unfortunately, it is very common that a child suffers the most, and it's very sad that a child has to go through this. It is most often harder for a child -- as they may not have access to the resources, tools, insight, and al-anon, like we do. Of course there is al-ateen.
Focus on you. Focus on your child and you will be able to be there in a healthy and supportive way. Like you said, you are thousands of miles away and perhaps that can help you not get sucked in. And, continue as you said, taking it day by day...one day at a time. All the best.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
Mattie, I'm thinking of you and your son. Ive been in a similar situation too and it was my son, its the worst type of fear.
Your post actually made me a little angry if Im honest, angry at the disease. This disease is so selfish, complete disregard for other people, for responsibilities. I think of how powerful this disease is, how the drinker is so full of self pity and self obsession and the pain that drives them to get completely out of their own heads, its sad.
All his friends out looking for him trying to save his life. Its all very dramatic and alcoholics thrive in the drama, it reinforces all their faulty beliefs about themselves like Im the centre of the universe but at the same time I am incapable of looking after myself.
How do you save the life of an alcoholic? is it possible? are all the efforts of all the people desperately trying to help actually just prolonging the inevitable? I wonder what would happen if people backed off, set the boundary , let him go to live as he chooses no matter how fearful those choices make others. Some get recovery when this happens I also imagine some die too. Either way there must be some relief for all concerned.
Thank you all. He was found and taken to the hospital, where he is being admitted with various problems. Part of the insanity/immaturity is that he has been mistakenly receiving some payments that should have been sent to our child (I have full custody) - long story how this happened - and now he has decided that because I am persecuting him (??) and he's mad about it, he is not going to pass along the money. This is around $2000 and growing, which is not a small amount in my world. So it looks as if I'll have to try to go to court or something to get the money before the final payments come in and none of it goes to our child. I should add that he has never paid the required child support payments in his entire life. What a major hassle on top of everything.
I am going to have to do some strict gratitude-listing, because this is stressful and I am having a lot of anger about it. I had been grateful that although my ex-AH is alcoholic and chaotic, he has never been vindictive or actively dishonest with money. These are new developments. I know alcoholism is progressive but I'm a little blindsided by the changes. This is not going well. I need to rally, because it's clear that in this scenario I'm the one with the tools for serenity. Now to get them out and work on it. Thank you all again.
I am glad that he was found, and in hospital for the moment.
So sorry to hear about the financials, though. It sounds as though the disease is in full control. It sounds as though you are using the tools of the program very well to take care of yourself and your child. This is a hassle, but hopefully the courts will be able to help get the payments to your child, where they belong.
First things first, right?
__________________
Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Mattie,
Sorry you are going through this. My ex-a had to be admitted to the hospital a few months back. Even though we weren't together I was still worried. However, he had been on a binge and went to a hotel for a few days with some vodka. He got really sick and ended up calling the ambulance. So, even though he ended up in the hospital I was glad that he was somewhere being taken care of. Unfortunately, alcoholism is progressive whether someone is a binge drinker or not. I think binge drinking does have some dangerous consequences. I am glad that your ex was found and is getting help right now.
