The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
As I posted earlier, my AW is in jail again. Her sentencing date is in mid-july. I thought she was going to be in for a long sentence. I was relaxed, sleeping better, etc. She called me a couple of nights ago and said that her lawyer thinks she will be sentenced to time served and getting out. My anxiety shot up and I have not been sleeping well since. My mind is racing with the thought of her out. I am not ready for her to come home at this time, maybe not ever. This time is far different from the other times she has been in jail, I could not wait for her to get out. Now, not willing to face that lifestyle again.
She is saying all the right things: never again, I am done, found god, make things up to you, I am sorry, etc. The same things she has said after every rehab, after every jail sentence, after every night spent drinking.
I have a meeting this week F2F and will bring this up and begin work on a plan for myself. Going to visit her in jail next week and I want to have something to say.
Focus on just today - what you can do for you today to bring peace. Deal with tomorrow as it comes. When I first started in recovery, I needed as many meetings as I could find/get to. Each one brought me more ESH to give me the hope and confidence I needed to detach with love and set boundaries for my own sanity. I encourage you to lean into all recovery tools available to you and trust the process.
I fully understand the broken promises made in jail. BTDT - Been There & Done That. Each time it happens, I learn more. So - no matter the outcome, stay focused on just the here and now and seek to learn and understand.
Sending you positive thoughts and prayers!!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
((((T84)))) I am feeling your anxiety... breathe. breathe again.
My ESH (experience, strength, and hope) with your post is that I had the same feelings when my husband was in a 90 day rehab for meth. By that time I was just getting a handle on my feelings and honestly, I was flourishing without him in the home. I DID NOT WANT HIM BACK. Even after 20 years of marriage. But we had a child, so I had to consider his feelings as well. I had many sleepless nights too, just trying to deal with the anxiety of what will I do next. For me, it was explaining my boundaries to my qualifier. That included a "I'm not sure when you can move back home," clause. I had to see that he was going to embrace and work recovery before I would allow him back in. I specifically did not give a time frame (based on knowledge I gained at F2F meetings), b/c I was told that they will "white-knuckle" it until that time frame is met, so leaving that open was the Next Right Thing for me.
You are smart for going to that F2F meeting... there you will get more strength and experience... sit still and listen to that little voice inside you... that will be your HP telling you 'The Next Right Thing.'
Whatever happens, don't let go of Al-Anon... it helps you to stay level-headed and grounded... whether you are dealing with an "in-house" qualifier, or an outside qualifier. I speak from experience b/c my old qualifier is now my new qualifier, except now it is alcohol.
Sending you peace and light.
__________________
"The wolf that thrives, is the one you feed." - Cherokee legend
"Hello, sun in my face. Hello you who made the morning and spread it over the fields... Watch, now, how I start the day in happiness, in kindness." Mary Oliver
As I posted earlier, my AW is in jail again. Her sentencing date is in mid-july. I thought she was going to be in for a long sentence. I was relaxed, sleeping better, etc. She called me a couple of nights ago and said that her lawyer thinks she will be sentenced to time served and getting out. My anxiety shot up and I have not been sleeping well since. My mind is racing with the thought of her out. I am not ready for her to come home at this time, maybe not ever. This time is far different from the other times she has been in jail, I could not wait for her to get out. Now, not willing to face that lifestyle again.
She is saying all the right things: never again, I am done, found god, make things up to you, I am sorry, etc. The same things she has said after every rehab, after every jail sentence, after every night spent drinking.
I have a meeting this week F2F and will bring this up and begin work on a plan for myself. Going to visit her in jail next week and I want to have something to say.
I have a question or two for you...you don't want her to come home, you are not ready for her to come home, you're having anxiety simply at the possibility of her coming home, and you are now having trouble sleeping simply because of the possibility of her coming home...OK...so with all of that...why are you home? Are you contemplating leaving? Thanks.
__________________
Bo
Keep coming back...
God, grant me the serenity...to accept the PEOPLE I cannot change...the courage to change the ONE I can...and the wisdom to know it's ME...
It's okay to listen to what your body and mind is telling you and not have her home. Why not take some time for your own recovery whether she is in jail or not. Living apart for a while sounds sensible and rational. Do what's good for you. Your recovery is very important.
This program is a program of honesty and taking care of ourselves with that honest appraisal of our lives. Sometimes it is hard to figure out what we want versus what we need. Sometimes it is the same thing. Give yourself some time. Go to meetings. Talk about it.
T84,
I would be stressed too. I would find out if the information is true. Did she get bonded out, are they releasing her on her own recognizance? Does she have a felony charge ect.. I do not want to know the answers to those questions but maybe you can find that out for your own peace of mind. From my own experiences, people will say a lot of wishful things when they are in jail waiting to get out. One reason why I left my A ex-by was because of the constant legal problems.
