The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Right now I am up against a lot of stressors. Finding a job has proved difficult. I seem to get the run around on a lot of stuff. I put in a lot of effort to get a long term temp job and it got cancelled out of nowhere. I had really tried to put in effort so I had more than one choice but it didn't turn out that way and I am left holding the bag. So I have to now put in a tremendous effort to secure work for myself because my unemployment is almost out. I feel totally bewildered about it. I did better when I lived in denial.
I also have a chronic stressor with the landlord. He is not a good communicator. He has to do some work on a storage shed in the back because the code inspector is insisting he does. The trouble is that this usually involves a lot of work and emergencies on the tenants part (which is me and the A). I am trying to detach from it and not get resentful but it is pretty hard. In theory the work should be finished pretty quickly but there is rain on the way and more. The A being a pack rat has tons of stuff in the shed, he should really move it but that means a tremendous amount of work and he has not been asked to move it either. I have asked the landlord to communicate explictly he does not. I am just staying out of it but it puts a damper on my being home and looking for work. In theory I may just get a temp job next week and the following week which will take me completely out of it. That would be the best remedy for me to just be away from it and not deal with it at all. I have written to the landlord saying be explicit about what you need, if you need the car(s) moved (the A has cars that don't work or are uninsured) we can't park them out on the street (the drug dealer next door takes up all the the space with his 20 cars).
The A does his people pleasing mode to the landlord (on some level he is pretty good at it after all he owes the landlord money and the landlord puts up with it) and then comes to me with his deep resentments and eventually tantrums.
I would appreciate any esh others have of dealing with multiple stressors. The A is totally unsympathetic to my issues of course because only he exists doesn't he. He does not mention chest pains or feeling bad and according to him he had a near heart attack and he is eating everything in sight so I guess he isn't sick anymore. Oh I forgot he is the only one who is allowed to be sick or feel anything.
So please send esh on how to not get over involved how to just count the days (after all the work can't go on for ever) and move on. There will be a day when I have better choices I hope I know one of the ways to them is to increase my income but I have to just get over the disappointment about not getting this job after putting in so much effort to get it. I have some good leads, some strong ones. I can work, I have had temp work recently (there has not been much of that for years before) and I am "willing" and of course I have you guys which is after all the ultimate secret weapon.
AH, Ason, Afather Over the top hecktic job. I am very new at this, but I had been so intertwined in everyones lives and so baffled by their chaos that I was not doing well at work. Been a propeller headed computer geek there for over 10 years. Just a couple of years ago I got to have diner with the CEO of this fortune 500 company as a 'Thank you' for all my contributions.
I was making good money, but we kept doing every event and buying every toy under the sun trying to fix our home life. Nothing worked ... and then we ran out of money.
3 months ago I realized I was going to work and doing nothing really useful, just worrying over my home and family issues. That made me stop and think " this is not just crazy, this is really wrong."
Multiple stressors... yeah. LOL
I remembered my mom going to Al-Anon when I was a kid... so here I am. Meetings and books and this web site has made a drastic change in my live already.
You have reminded me and others to use the program in EVERY peice of your live. Many of these tools to keep us sane in the face of Alcoholism are simply life lessons that we have forgotten because of our long term exposure to the disease.
Go easy on yourself... The right job just hasn't presented itself. Keep looking, your HP will help when the time is right.
- r
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Sounds a bit tough in your world right now. I wish that I could share with you the beautiful white beaches where I live and no-one around for miles for you to find some serenity. You need some personal space of your own with all the chaos around you. Don't fret too much hand it to HP he/she will have something better lined up for you around the corner. Try and detach as much as possible and ask HP to let others be responsible for their own problems. (()) Luv Leo xx
Such great insight here. I think sometimes we hit a wall so that we can learn something. I have been told that if you can't get out of it, get in it. Hope everything works out for you. Using these principles in all our affairs seems to apply.
I wish I could send you some magic. The situation is a tough one. I feel for you a lot becuz I don't hear ya ever talk about some light times. WE all need that desperately.
For me, I just get to the point that I am so done I say get out. If I lived with him, I would leave. Packup whatever and go.
But I have never, ever put myself in a position to depend on another person since my parents. I tried a bit with this marriage and almost lost everything.
But I do know, I would rather scrimp and pay an electrician than to have my A stay here to fix what needs to be done. I was so so peeeeee ooooooooed. There was NO question I was done yet again.
I am still not sorry at all. I knew he would blow it. But did not listen. The RED fLAGS were everywhere.
I pray you will find a job and be able to prepare to change your life as you wish.
Are you going to face to face meetings? love,debilyn
I understand the impact that multiple stressors can have. I can only share what happened to me -- I do not advocate it as a road to take, but you decide if it helps. My stressors were different than yours, yet were ones that if one looked at the list of huge stressors in ones life (deaths, moving, job issues, etc etc, and the stressors most of us logged in have dealt with) I was exceeding the acceptable range. None of us have the same experience.
What I did was not take care of myself, and my health and everything else suffered. I kept taking care of everyone else until I could not do so anymore.
Interestingly, I was properly diagnosed with my physical ailment that was causing my body to shut down during the same year that a new colleague took me by the hand to Al Anon. I truly believe my HP was at work.
For me, while there was no way out but through, there truly was no way out for me until I took care of myself and my issues first. I was repeatedly reminded of the basic concept we all hear everytime we take a plane ride -- in the event of an emergency, put your own oxygen mask on first before trying to help children or others. As I have gotten better at doing this, each year is better than the last one. I'm sorry to say my marriage ended, and my EH (who would sue me for defamation if he thought I was telling anyone he was any kind of an A -- so there is some denial there, perhaps) continues to blame me for a variety of things that are his behaviors ... with the truly bad part of that being how it has an effect on our kids and how I am to handle that so as not to badmouth their dad yet not accept the blame he presents to the kids as attaching to me. So, the stressors took their toll on me because I did not set clear boundaries and take care of myself early on. Still, it is never too late to learn, and the more I learn through this program, the better my life gets.
