The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Today's author compares showing courtesy to being polite. The writer notes that you can be polite to someone without being loving. Courtesy, however, involves loving concern, consideration for how someone feels and awareness of their needs.
Practicing courtesy in the home gives opportunities to show love, sometimes the very place it can be overlooked.
Today's Reminder: I will take the opportunity to show courtesy to those close to me and as well as in casual encounters. These acts of love and kindness help reduce my resentment, and give dignity and respect to members of the household that is due all of god's creatures.
"Courtesy makes a less troublesome game of life. Misunderstandings melt away; it gets rid of the avoidable obstructions."
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Before I turned to recovery in AlAnon, I sometimes allowed my frustration, anger, resentment and feelings of moral superiority to displace my courtesy when dealing with my qualifier in the home.
Thanks to the wisdom and reminders of the program, I realized that I, too, had many shortcomings and no right to treat another person unlovingly or without respect. I had to change the way I felt about myself and my qualifier, and continue to work diligently to change my behavior.
Treating my qualifier and others discourteously was a roadblock for my recovery. I had to let it begin with me and give up the unhealthy thinking that I could let my behavior hinge upon my qualifier's sobriety. This is an area that I still work on daily, but I can see progress... so grateful for the guidance
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
Today's topic offered an opportunity for me to think about my upbringing and me definition of polite, and notice how that is different from courtesy. I grew up in a very polite environment. (Has anyone heard of "Minnesota nice"?) And I was accustomed to politeness as the default mode of dealing with people. It was easy to be polite with my wife, and that also lead to several misunderstandings about how I really felt about things.
This reading helped me to notice that polite was not good enough, because I was leaving out the loving concern and compassion for her.
Thanks to the tools of this program, I was able to focus on myself and what I was doing, take care of myself and my needs, which allowed me the emotional energy to treat her with compassion.
I hope you have a lovely day!
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Skorpi
If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you are living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present. - Lao Tzu
Good Morning Paul Thank you for sharing your thoughts on this important subject and Skorpi for identifying the difference between being " polite" and "courtesy". I do believe much of my" apparent politeness was coated with sarcasm and arrogance
I know when I read this page, many years ago. I made the decision to implement " courtesy for all "as one of the principles I would live my life by . It has not failed me yet.
Before program , when I thought of it, I would be polite to others but when angry or walking around unconsciously, I failed to notice people and treated them absentmindedly. Placing this principle above my personality, I soon discovered the power of treating others with respect. Thanks for your service.
This is such an interesting topic, and one that I am going to think about. I stay in touch with an older brother who abused me for many years in my childhood, without protection from my parents. I believe I have forgiven him. I no longer shake when I am near him, but I do not seek time alone with him. I am more comfortable with the family around. He is having heart problems and may just have another year or two. I'm not sure I can get to "courtesy" with him because he is still a very sick person. I email with him once in a while, and see him maybe 1-2x a year. I am polite and nice. I will pay some attention to this reading. Thanks for bringing it to the table, Lyne
Thank you Enigmatic for your service and ESH. It took me a long time to even consider being courteous to my qualifiers because I didn't feel they deserved it. Having dignity and courtesy for others is almost, not always, but almost just part of who I am now. What I found when taking my inventory was past pain/hurt was causing me to be disrespectful to my qualifiers because I believed in an eye for an eye, that was my sick thinking. Today with guidance from HP, I can naturally feel compassion for sick people because Al-Anon teaches us humility and it wasn't long ago the disease was effecting my sanity.
-- Edited by _bunny_ on Wednesday 7th of June 2017 11:58:31 AM
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- Carrie
Stress is caused by being 'here' but wanting to be 'there'. Eckhart Tolle
Thanks all for adding your thoughts, experience and hope; such a very interesting and important topic...
Lyne, I was thinking when I wrote this that courtesy and politeness are areas I certainly have need of work, and generally are good things to strive for. As with most things, however, there may be exceptions and limits to how/when they are applied. Personal safety is certainly one that comes to my mind, as is dealing with a predatory individual from the past or in the present.
Props to you for the strength, courage, and program you have demonstrated to get where you are today. Thank you very much for sharing your ESH
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Paul
"...when we try to control others, we lose the ability to manage our own lives." - Paths to Recovery
How ironic that I am just arriving here today after a day of 'too much courtesy'....I had one event planned today and then wanted to spend some time on my home as I'm hosting a Going Away Part for a fellow Al-Anon friend who is moving to HI. Well - let's just say I ended up spending time with both of my sons, my two grand-sons, seeing their baby-momma and I'm tired.
I too work hard to be courteous always as well as kind. However, there is that 'part' of me that still expects basic manners and we seem to have missed that lesson around here. So, I am tired, worn out and a little stressed! However, because of this awesome program in recovery, my gratitude list is plain, simple and short - I did not bit anyone's head off, I managed to not take it personally and I did survive with my dignity and no need to make amends.
My serenity did suffer today and I don't know if there is such a thing as 'qualifier overload' but that's kind of how it feels. I've worked hard in recovery to have boundaries that help me from these types of days yet it was just a reality for varying reasons. It could have been better and it could have been worse!
I learned polite from FOO - not sure I learned courtesy there. We are a caring family, but we are somewhat distant. It works for the most part and it's all I've ever known. What I do know about my family is if I need help, they will help. We love enough to know that family comes first. I too need to give this more thought - been one of 'those' days!
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Practice the PAUSE...Pause before judging. Pause before assuming. Pause before accusing. Pause whenever you are about to react harshly and you will avoid doing and saying things you will later regret. ~~~~ Lori Deschene
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